Reflections Of: The Way Life Used To Be

I have been very reflective lately. It could be from the wine I injested at a Christmas Party I attended earlier but I have been thinking a lot about my past. In order to really get to know me and how I work mechanically in terms of my thought process, you must understand my past and where I come from. My true essence and development is wrapped up in many years of going everywhere but not going anywhere at all. Let me explain.

I was born in St. Louis, Missouri and in 1982, when I was seven, my father got a job offer in Houston and we moved. After that we moved to several other cities such as Las Vegas, Phoenix, Memphis, Jacksonville, Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and South Carolina. I went to six elementary schools and five high schools. To say I became a chameleon in my environment is an understatement. I spent my young life being the person I was supposed to be depending on the situation and mood of the area. For instance, when I lived in Phoenix for five years, I was a valley girl. When I moved to Memphis, I was a 'hood girl. When I moved to Florida, I became a beach bum. South Carolina? The southern belle. On and on it went. It took me until I was about 25 or 26 to know and understand who I really was and be able to truly define the real me. 

All of that moving around really did a number on me mentally if you think about it. I didn't have a center, a true home. I didn't have structure. The longest place that I lived as a child was 5 years and that was Phoenix, Arizona. As soon as I began to feel comfortable and sure of myself, then my dad announced we were moving. I could never really feel like I had a "home". We were nomads, meandering throughout the country trying to find ourselves. I don't even think my parents understood how that would shape my life in a negative way.

I wanted stability. I wanted structure. I wanted peace and security. I thought I had found all of that when I met and fell in love with my first love, Ronald Lorenzo Davis. I was in Jacksonville. We met through a mutual friend. Over the course of a year, we went from friends to as serious as you could be at that age. He was three years older. He was like a father figure. I trusted, loved, and respected him. But then it got cloudy. And my parents announced we were moving away. My heart felt torn.

I was a divided soul. Living in central Florida but longing to be in Jacksonville. We did the phone thing. I ran up the bill to over $1500.00. I even ran away a few times to see him. Took the Greyhound. I wanted to be with him so much. I didn't care. My parents gave me an ultimatum.

I moved on with hesitation. Then when I was 17, met and fell in love with my son's father. Again, someone else who was like a father figure to me. 4 years older. He had a lot going on for himself. I got completely wrapped up in him. When he asked me to carry his seed, I instantly said yes. There were no questions. I thought that the love we shared would last forever. Suffice to say, in 4 short years, it was over.

I became involved with these men (and some after) searching for someone to give me a foundation. I was looking for it in an individual when I should've been looking inside myself for these answers. I struggled to hold onto people that weren't worthy because I just wanted everything to be the same. I had so much change in my life, so leaving would be just another change I had to face. Didn't want to do it. And over time, I kept myself in situations in which I should've gotten myself the hell away from.

I look back on my life from this point, and wonder what it would've been like had I of stayed in one place like most people. I think I would be centered and more focused. But I also know the lessons learned while growing up in such volitility and change has made me a better person. I've been around. I've lived in every climate. I have traveled. Seen things that most don't. And so I am grateful. I wouldn't change the roads I have taken for nothing in the world.

As this year comes to an end, I continue to reflect on how my life has changed. Evolved. Grown. I went from a shorty, to a woman-child, to a woman of all seasons who holds it down for her family. I am still evoolving. Still growing. Still learning. Still seeking. Still transisitioning. I am happy in the place I am now. And I look forward to continuing the journey that lay ahead...