It didn't work.
As sweat formed on my forehead in the unusually 70 degree December night heat, I opened my window and listened to the wind blow against the screen. I turned on my television and flipped to an Adult PPV. Picked the first one that looked interesting and bought it through the remote. An overwhelming since of guilt overcame me but I knew that I was at the point of no return.
My hand took a trip down south. My legs spread. And I submitted to the deed.
I have been fighting off the urge to masterbate for almost as long as I have been fighting the urge to have sex. But the intense feeling that I was experiencing would not let me go to bed without fulfilling my bodily urges. And need.
I do feel defeated and I do feel like I let myself down. I also must make sure that this sexual adventure that happened last night will not happen again anytime soon. I don't want to settle with pleasuring myself in order to get my rocks off. I don't want to fall into that all familiar pattern.
I slipped. But I am back on my feet again. We will see if I prevail tonight.
Add: dannigyrl_is_fab@yahoo.com
3 comments:
.....your human.Its cool.
I'm just mad to you actually order a porn for that purpose.Internet is F-R-E-E.
lol @nightfall914
wow...i'm sorry i can't shake the erotic image of you pleasuring yourself...but i understand your goal to refrain from escaping or meeting unmet needs that way. i wish you well...but honestly, self-pleasure is certainly much less damaging than casual or anonymous sex. it's going to be ok..
You need to read "Oh God! A Black Woman's Guide to Sex and Spirituality" by Rev. Dr. Susan Newman. This book will help you to not feel guilty about enjoying yourself. I read it after I confessed Christ in 2004. I considered myself to be saved by the Holy Spirit but I still enjoyed having sex with my fiance...who's now my husband. This book helped...alot!
Post a Comment