Checking Myself (Because Someone Has To)

I am so stoked about my new blog design, but I will blog about that later. While on IM earlier speaking with the gentleman that is redesigning my fabulous blog, I was going through my posts to see what I wanted to transfer to the new site, and I came across this blog entitled 2008. Yeah. that I wrote on Monday, December 29, 2008. In the blog, I listed the things I was hoping to accomplish this year. To read the complete entry, you can click the link above, but here is a list of the goals for 2009 that I set forth on that day:

*Get my non-profit off the ground and invest in my own business endeavor
*Get in shape. Work out on a regular basis. I have fallen off the last few months
*Establish better eating habits. Less dining out and cut out the sodas (oh how I love 'em)
*Finalize the revisions and edits of my novel and get it published this year, by May 1st
*Less television. More ME time
*Work on my son's website and help him establish his acting career
*Be more frugal when it comes to spending but not lose the spontaneity
*Continue to cultivate my blog and launch my personal website and vlog.
*Finally go to NEW YORK CITY!

Now of course this is only March 4th but I have noticed that I am slipping in most of these areas. I haven't worked on my non-profit paperwork or spoke with my planned Board since January. I've stopped drinking soda completely (yay) but I still do not have the best eating habits and I still eat out way too much (which is why I have been making a valiant effort since beginning my new Challenge). My novel still isn't completely edited and I have pushed the publishing date back AGAIN. I have the television on constantly AND my spending hasn't been curtailed. As far as my goal for my blog, I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I could be, even though I have plans to do more after my blog is redesigned. And I haven't even taped my first video blog (or vlog) and that was something that I was really looking forward to doing. I've went online and shopped airfares for NYC but still haven't purchased my ticket OR settled on a date to go.

There's not one thing that I have been consistent with on that list, well, with the exception of not drinking soda which I have done. It's kind of depressing when I think about it because the words staring back at me are ones that I wrote, goals that I have developed for myself and I have faltered. Took my eye off of the ball one too many times and here it is, heading into the 2nd quarter of the year and I am still seeking goals and not achieving them.

I've got to get my act together. NOW.

I never wanted to be the type of person who talked a lot of game, but in the end, was unable to back it up. I've known people like that and it's not a good thing to witness, especially when you see one's potential and they are too lazy to do anything with it. Laziness is not an option for me, I have too many things that I want to get done and I have to count on ME to get them done.

I consider this entry a reality check, one that needed to be done now and not six months from now. I will play my position. I will complete the goals that I have given myself, and I will NOT be lazy. If I can't check myself, who will?

I am accountable for my actions. And the buck stops here and the work begins. Try hard or end hard.

FIN.

Day 1- Healthy Eating & Living Challenge

Many of you are aware that in January, I began a 30-day No Soda Challenge which I successfully completed and as of today's date, still haven't indulged in a full soda (although last week I had a sip of someones Coke). Now that I have lost a few pounds and feel the difference that living soda-free has made in my life, I have decided to also challenge myself with eating more healthy in order to get in shape and lose some more weight. My goal is to lose 15 to 20 lbs, which would make me picture perfect for a nice two-piece which I plan to wear during my trip to Miami with ForeverLex.

My goals are simple: NO FAST FOOD. No sodas. Work out at least three times a week. Cook a healthy meal at home at least five nights a week and stay away from take-out. I would like to stay under 1800 cals a day.

Here is the data on Day 1 of the Healthy Eating & Living Challenge:

Breakfast- a bowl of Rice Chex cereal with two percent milk (150 cals)

Lunch- nothing

Snack- two pieces of sharp cheddar cheese (180 cals)

Snack- 1 cup of orange juice (125 cals)

Dinner- Hungarian Skillet Stew with egg noodles (400 cals)

Snack- 1 cup of Silk chocolate milk (140 cals)

= 995 cals.

My Daddy, My Hero. My Life.

Early on during my beginning existence, my father and mother married. Mom got knocked up by my dad, whom she had been dating for two years, and they decided to get married when she was about two months along. That would be the best decision my mother ever made.

My father is and was a champion. Growing up, my parent's marriage was mostly in discord, but my dad was as good as gold. Being an only child, I was doted on and spoiled and played the Daddy's Little Girl role perfectly, but that is not why I consider my dad a good father. I consider my dad a wonderful dad because he stayed around while most dad's didn't. My mother was 19 and my dad was 21 when they had me, the two of them were relatively young and inexperienced in the ways of the world BUT he did what he was supposed to do, what some fathers don't do, and played his role.

I was often closer to my father than my mother for several reasons which would require another blog entry and another talking point. But let me just say that I don't think my mother really wanted to be a mother at so young of an age, and I am sure that is why she got her tubes tied early and never had any more kids. She wasn't the nurturing type of person, or touchy feely, where my dad was that type. He was affectionate. He attended all of my events at school, took me shopping for my first bra, and pretty much raised me while my mother always seemed to be searching for something other than what she had. I am not saying that my mother wasn't a good mom. I am just saying that when it came to parenting, she was out of her element most of the time and she will even admit that now.

There was a time in my Dad's life where he fell down and my parent's separated and that was when he got into cocaine heavily. In reality, both of my parents dabbled in recreational drug use but my dad got into it quite heavily and we almost lost everything we had. Once he quit the drug use, he began to drink and became an alcoholic and received two DUI's. My dad was not perfect, but when it came to ME, he made sure I was always taken care of and he continues to show me (and now HIS grandson and granddaughter) and he is always there when I need him. STILL!

The drinking caught up with my dad. When he was 35, he had his first heart attack and since then has been diagnosed with heart disease. He also has had several operations on his heart. My father also suffers with kidney problems and is in stage 3 of renal failure and will result in having dialysis weekly. I have already decided that once it gets to that point, I will be tested to see if I am a match so that I can donate my kidney to him. He also has liver problems and it seems his body is breaking down and according to his primary physician, is more like 75 years old instead of the 55 years old that he really is.

Our bond is eternal and I just when I think I cannot love him anymore than I already do, it continues to grow and grow. With his health deteriorating, each moment that I spend him is cherished more than the last. I love this man with all of my heart, and I am so blessed that he has been in my life, the way father's are supposed to be.

LOVE YA DADDY!

Guest Blogger- Naturally Alise Responds To My Personal Domestic Abuse Post

Under my previous post entitled: Not To Be Taken Lightly, I discussed my own personal experience with physical and verbal abuse. In the comments section, one of my Twitter friends and blog colleagues Naturally Alise, did not fully agree with my closing statement, time heals all wounds. In order to clarify her reasoning for not agreeing and also give her a forum in order to reply in full to my post, I asked her to write a featured Guest Blog on my site. The following is her blog entry written expressly for BlogNotWar:

I had to rebuild my self confidence and strength back, but I know what it feels like to be overpowered and bullied by the one that you love and who supposedly loves you. So I do feel for not only Rihanna, but for every victim of domestic or physical violence male or female.You can They say time heals all wounds. I would say that that is a correct assessment.

I must respectfully semi-disagree with my buddy Dannigyrl. Time does NOT heal all wounds. In fact, emotional wounds behave just like physical wounds. * You can ignore the wound and it will get infected and become much larger and more detrimental than the original injury. In fact in 1997, I was sexually assaulted. I will not go into the specific details (I'll save that for my memoirs one day, shit, I'm gonna be famous y'all), but I swept it under the rug and refused to deal with it until a few years ago. That pain ate me up and festered in my spirit for all those years. It affected my lifestyle and affected every relationship I was ever in negatively. time did not heal a single thing. Not a one.* You can deal with the wound. You can endure the sting of the alcohol and cleanse it. Do you once I started talking about what happened to me and dealing with my emotions constructively, through therapy and support of friends I was able to come out a better and infinitely stronger woman. I just had to get over the feelings of shame and stigma (the sting of the alcohol, if you will) and just hold my head up. I did that, time didn't do a single thing. Not a one.BUT*Just like a wound, it scars. It leaves something behind. That doesn't mean it necessarily has to be bad. I am a firm believer in turning tragedy or negativity into something fruitful in the end. That is the key, use that time on this planet to do something that will help or encourage the next woman to restart her life and maybe be encouraged not to waste precious time walking around with open wounds.***I also really feel the need to throw in this random PSA. STOP blaming victims. Le sigh...***Thanks,Naturally Alise

You can visit Naturally Alise by going to her blog Black Woman Lost and Found HERE and Cubicle Crusaders HERE

Not To Be Taken Lightly.

I refuse to jump on the Rihanna/Chris Brown story because I do not know all of the facts at hand. There have been few public statements given by the parties involved, and thus I cannot make a proper assessment without having knowledge of the event in its proper context. What I do know, is that physical violence against someone else is very serious, and domestic violence is not something to be taken lightly.

Instead of giving my two cents on a situation that I do not know much about, I have decided to discuss my own experience with domestic violence.

As many of you know, I had my son at the age of 18 and in doing so, I became involved with a man four and a half years my senior. If I knew then what I know now, I would've discovered that the reason why he became interested in a then-17 year old womanchild was the fact that a female of that age can be someone that he could dominate or control. It is not normal in modern times for a 22 year old man to be infatuated with a 17 year old girl, other than pure attraction. The mindset of a 17 year old young woman is not very appealing nor mature. My son's father became obsessed with me because I was moldable like clay and able to be made into the woman that he wanted in his vision. But of course, again, at the age of 17 and 18, I could not (or simply refused to) see the forest for the trees.

The signs of violence began while we were dating. He didn't want me to spend time with other friends, he wanted me to be with him 24/7. Everyday after school, I had to wait about 45 minutes until he got off at 3 so that he could pick me up and take me home. He didn't want me riding the bus or driving my car to school for fear I would drive others or communicate with others. Back then I saw that as love but of course I know that love had nothing to do with it.

One night after an intense fight about his temper, I started to pack my bags to leave. Now mind you, I graduated from high school when I was 17 and my mom and dad were going through a divorce so I was kind of left to do what I wanted, so most nights I would stay at his apartment and I just kind of moved in slowly. Anyway, I told him I was going to go back home and sort things out and he pulled a gun out and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself if I left. Of course I didn't want to be the cause of his death, so I stayed. Now I know that he was way to vain to off himself, but then I wasn't the wiser.

Then he got me into the whole, I want to you to have my baby thing because he had a two year old son and wasn't allowed to see his son because of drama. I gave in to him because he cried on my shoulder every night and I really thought we were going to be together forever. So I stopped taking the pill and suffice to say, it was downhill from there.

The verbal abuse started. He would call me fat as I gained weight with the pregnancy. He always liked me to wear skimpy items of clothing and as my belly got bigger, I could no longer rock my cute tops and tennis skirts that were in at that time and he would make me feel bad and tell me that I would have to shop at Lane Bryant if I got any bigger. After my son was born, I lost all the weight within two months but he still wasn't satisfied.

One night, I went out with the girls, the first night out since I had had my son, and he acted a fool. He followed us to the club in Tampa and demanded I came home and when I refused, he pulled me in the car, practically dragging me. I didn't get hit that night but the blows started shortly after that.

First it was a push here or a shake there and those became slaps, and then punches and kicks. I remember one night very clearly: New Edition was on a reunion tour with Keith Sweat and my friend won tickets on the radio station to see the concert at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg. I told him about the concert weeks before, but that night he acted like he didn't know I was going out. He told me he wasn't watching our son and I told him I already made arrangements with his mother to watch him and he snapped. He told me I wasn't going to go anywhere and that he rented movies for us to watch that night. I told him to get out of the bathroom while I was getting ready because there was no way I was missing the concert. I got in the bathtub and he took my curling iron that I had just plugged up and tossed it into the tub. The only thing that saved me from getting electrocuted was the plug was yanked out the wall when he threw it in the tub so there wasn't enough electricity to shock me.

I didn't go to the concert that night.

No one in my family knew of the violence I was going through. It was a scary situation because there were many nights that I thought I was not going to make it. He was always careful to hit me in places that were not visible to the public. Usually my stomach or back. But I can tell you that the verbal abuse was worse than the physical. The bruises always healed but the memory of his words saying the most hurtful things to me would replay over and over.

I didn't feel worthy.

And then a divine intervention occurred. He got arrested for having a unregistered weapon and was in jail for a few days. I took those few days and the money I had saved and my son and I moved into another apartment. He didn't have access or keys. He flattened my tires a few times but there was nothing he really could do to harm me anymore. I wasn't in his control. In order to see his son, we always met at his mom's house or in a public place. I had so much dirt on him that I threatened to call the police if he tried to take my son or harm me in any way.

That was ten years ago.

Now, we are good. Or as good as we can be with our history. I moved away to my hometown and he became involved with another woman and it became HER problem, not mine. I got married and divorced. And he is still struggling with women and relationships. We don't discuss it. It is all about our son during phone calls or visits to Florida. But every once and a while, he apologizes for what he did to me. And our son, because our son did bear witness to many of these events. And he remembers some of them even though he was only two and three years old at the time.

I had to rebuild my self confidence and strength back, but I know what it feels like to be overpowered and bullied by the one that you love and who supposedly loves you. So I do feel for not only Rihanna, but for every victim of domestic or physical violence male or female.

They say time heals all wounds. I would say that that is a correct assessment.

30 Day No Soda Challenge-Mission Accomplished

I have officially completed my 30 Day No Soda Challenge. I lost a total of 16 pounds and 2 and a half inches off of my waist. My beverage intake consisted of water, sweet tea, cranberry and apple juice. I am sure the weight loss is contributed to not drinking soda, but I also changed my eating habits by cooking more healthy foods, not eating after 8pm, and curving eating in between meals.

I have decided to continue my No Soda challenge to see how far I can really go without drinking soda. I HAVE NOT had a soda since January 5, 2009 even though I have surpassed the 30 day tie frame. I honestly don't miss it and I would rather devote my caloric intake to food than to soak it up with  200 calorie per pop soda.

Mission accomplished, at least for now. I planned on adding yoga or Pilates and more exercises to my lifestyle challenge and I have failed to do the latter. I am not giving up on that, though. Weight loss was not a major factor for me changing my eating habits but I do have a goal of losing 30 pounds so I can be leaner and well within the guidelines for weight set forth for my height and age. The YMCA near my home has a yoga class beginning at the end of the month, and by golly, I will be in that class.

I Have Faltered.....

I could tell towards the end of January that I was getting bored with blogging. Not bored in the sense of not wanting to blog, but bored in the sense that it was getting hard for me to keep up the daily pace of blogging at least once a day AND keep up with my duties as mother and property manager and the like.

There are a lot of bloggers that blog everyday once or twice or maybe even more than that. I envy them because I wish I was creative enough to think of topics to fill up these pages. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Multitasking, although I am somewhat good at it, can sometimes lead me astray.

I need to get out of my head. I have received several emails from my followers and other readers wanting to know if I was okay and if I had given up on my blog. What I now understand is that this blog is bigger than me. The content, the writing, the subjects are all an outlet for ME but there are those of YOU that care about it and come to my site because what I write touches something in YOU. As I have stated before, I have started so many blogs in the past just to stop writing after a few days or weeks and I promised myself that that would not happen again.

So I apologize in advance and hope you understand. Sometimes life happens. But in reality, I need this blog in my life. I've faltered, as we all often do, but I hope I haven't lost you as a follower and that you continue to read my blog.

Thanks!

Update- 30 Day No Soda Challenge & Other Items

Can you believe it has been almost a month since I began my 30 Day No Soda Challenge? I began the challenge not only as a New Year's Resolution, but as a goal to live my life healthier in '09. I found myself drinking at least a six pack or so more of soda each day, and with diabetes being a problem in my family for so many years, I knew I had to stop the addiction. So on Monday, January 5, 2009, I started my 30 Day No Soda Challenge.

There have been many times that I slipped and fell off the wagon. But what kept me on the straight and narrow (besides prayer) is knowing that I would be so defeated if I drank a soda because I would have to blog about it and let you all know that I lost the good fight. That is one blog I don't want to have to write, especially since a few of my Twitter folks are also riding with me on the Challenge.

I have lost 11 pounds since I began. I wasn't doing this Challenge to lose weight, but this is a great side effect and I needed to lose bout 15 pounds anyway. I feel like I have more energy each day and I don't feel as bloated. I still get headaches every now and then but they don't last as long as they used to, and my body is getting used to not having as much caffeine. I drink about 15 glasses of water daily along with a few servings of juice (either cranberry or apple) and I also drink sweet tea, which is my latest addiction.

Someone on Twitter recognized that sweet tea can be just as bad as soda and pointed that out to me, so I began weaning myself off of that this week. I plan to be completely sweet tea free by the middle of next month as well. I am trying not to start too many Challenges at one time in order to keep balance and control in my life. I don't want to be overloaded with too many goals.

This Challenge will last beyond 30 Days. I would like to stay soda free (with the exception of a can or two here or there once or twice a month) for the rest of the year. I also want to begin a rigorous exercise challenge of Cardio and Yoga in February. My homie Forever Lex and I along with the USUAL SUSPECTS are planning a TweetUp in Miami in May and I so want to look flawless in a  two-piece. Dade County will never be the same. 

This Challenge this is slowly morphing into a lifestyle change and a way of life for me. Thanks to everyone who has continued to show me support through this No Soda Thing. I am ever so grateful. More than you know. :P

I Am Not My Hair

This particular blog entry is difficult for me to write because I have so many hang-ups and whatnot when it comes to my hair. Since I could remember, I have had issues with my hair and just recently, I decided to just let it go and do what I feel is best for my overall well being when it comes to my strands. Here is my story:

As a child, I was told I had good hair. Whatever that means. It was a nice length, fine, and wavy. My mother usually put my hair in braids or ponytails and I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down until I was like 13. Yes, I am serious. At that age, I began going to get my hair done at the salon and I would get it pressed. My mother would not allow me to get a perm for fear it would mess up my "good" hair. When I was 15, my mother finally relented and I got a relaxer and there began my love/hate relationships with chemical straighteners.

When I was 16, with the popularity of Toni Braxton and Halle Berry and Anita Baker tapered short cuts and styles, I chopped all of my hair off to conform. At first, I loved it but then I realized that keeping the style meant I had to get my hair done every week and I had to get it cut quite often. Bored with the style after 6 months or so, I let my beautician put in a sew in weave. I loved the instant length it afforded and I began wearing a weave pretty much all of the time.

Now anyone who remembers the early nineties remember that weaves were somewhat controversial. Now weaves are considered very mainstream and as a fashion accessory but back then, it was a travesty if people knew you had a weave. I moved around a lot and when I started my Junior and Senior year at high school, everyone saw me with the long hair and thought it was mine. I began living the lie of having long hair when I really didn't and this created tension because I didn't feel comfortable wear my own hair.

Wearing a weave became a crutch that I would have pretty much throughout my adult life. I wouldn't allow my own hair to breathe because I felt I needed to keep up the persona of having long hair. My beautician was so good at putting in the weave that no one was the wiser believe it or not and there were few people that knew I wasn't wearing my own hair.

This all came to a head when I got into a fight at school. The first thing the girl did was pull on my hair as girls often do when fighting and the weave track came out of the top of my head. She was carrying it in her hand and the crowd watching it was shocked to see that it was a weave. It was hard for me to show my face the next day at school but my mom and dad made me go to school. (I lost the fight by the way).

After that tragic incident at school, I started wearing my own hair. And that lasted for awhile. By then it had grown to a nice length but was very damaged after relaxing it myself when I took out the weave. So I began to experiment with pieces. Falls and ponytails and things like that to cover up the unhealthiness of the hair. I began college with braids and wore them during the mid to late 90's.

During the pregnancy of my son, my hair grew very long and strong but I had another brush with scissors and cut it all off again into a short bob that was the rage then. Of course I got bored with the length and I began wearing full headed weaves again.

It was a vicious cycle that I perpetrated.

Fast forward to now and I am still wearing weaves. But I don't wear them all the time. I give my hair a resting period and wear my own hair from time-to-time. I have had a relaxer constantly for too many years and decided in October, after having a heat-to-heart with my stylist to go natural.

There is nothing wrong with straight hair. Or chemically relaxing your hair. Or wearing weaves. But I think that the combination of all of the those things is displaying to others that I can only be beautiful with these "crutches" and that is not true. For starters, my beauty doesn't come from my outside but from my inside. Number two, the hair in a relaxed state and bought in a store is not truly mine. I am not being myself if I cannot wear my hair in its natural state.

I love looking at sisters who are rocking twists or locks, or an Afro, or curls or whatever hair style they chose that is natural. It's a statement. It's funky. And it's being true to oneself. Not that wearing a weave or having relaxers mean you can't be true, but using it for a crutch, which was my experience, it can seem like you are being your hair. And I am not my hair. India.Arie had it right when she sang that song:

I have been researching ways to transition my hair to natural. Right now I am wearing a sew in weave in order to transition in. I am also going to try rocking braids and some curly do's. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to cut the relaxed ends off and that will be the day I am borne again as a woman. A natural one, napps, waves, curls, and all.

I will still straighten my hair. My current stylist specializes in natural hair and said that in its natural state, my wavy and fine hair would be easy to train and straighten with a flat iron without chemicals. Right now, being totally chemically free is my goal and I cannot wait to achieve it. It will give me so much flexibility to wear it curly, wavy, or straight and I will have so many more options when it comes to my hair.

If you have any suggestions on how I can transition my hair, please reply to this post. I would be most grateful and thankful. Taking this new journey is going to be long and I am sure I will have some stumbling blocks along the way. But this is a new phase, a new direction in which I would like to follow. I need to do this for myself.

I Am. Divorced.

Many of you know that I am divorced. What many people do not know is the circumstances behind the split. Here are the details:

I met my ex husband in 1998. Online. We were both in a Yahoo chat room (remember those?) and he mentioned that he was from St. Louis. I was living in Florida and I sent a private message letting him know that I was from St. Louis originally. We exchanged emails, struck up a friendship and which grew over time.

Fast forward to the year 2000. I had been struggling in Florida and thinking about just giving up and moving somewhere else. I had already tried to move to Atlanta and failed before I was even unable to move. I knew I had to do something because Florida was becoming a place that I hated to live. It was during this time that my ex husband was breaking up with his woman. Our emails became more frequent and I told him of my troubles and he invited me to come to St. Louis to visit him. Purchased a ticket for me and had it waiting at the ticket counter.

I thought why not? Most of my family lived in St. Louis so I would have a place to stay. He sent me a ticket and I came to visit on August 12, 2000. I stayed.

Fast forward. We got serious rather quickly. Fell in love. He was brilliant, funny, warm, open, honest, and handsome. He was the prototype and we had so much in common. We were both only children. Our families got along. He was my best friend. A match made in heaven.

We got married.

We had a daughter.

He became another father to my son.

But marrying your best friend is hard. People think this would be the ideal marriage but it wasn't. We were always looking for something. Everything was too familiar. Too perfect. Too cookie cutter. Just going through life daily and not experiencing excitement began to take a toll on our marriage.

Then he cheated.

Then I did.

Then it was just the two of us trying to hurt one another over and over again. We tried to work it out but we couldn't overcome the past. There was too much damage done. I couldn't forget his discretion and he couldn't forget mine.

We separated in January if last year and the divorce was final in October.

There are times that I feel I will ever get married again but I know that probably isn't the case. I do know that when and if I get married again, it won't be to my best friend. I know this sounds ridiculous but when you are too much like someone else, and you have that best friend thing that turns into a marriage, it oftentimes comes to bite you in the ass. I am thankful to my ex-husband. He is a great father to the both of my children. He takes care of business. And we still remain close.

Our marriage was not a mistake.

We just weren't ready. I know that now.

30 Day No Soda Challenge Update (Day 7)

I am on my seventh day of not ingesting soda and I feel great. No more headaches (Thank GOD) and I have lost a total of 5 and a half pounds. All from not drinking soda. I feel better, less sluggish each day and I am sharper. I never really knew that there were "side effects" of drinking so much soda, but I now see what I was doing to my body.

A special thanks to everyone who has given me feedback since I have begun this journey. I a truly grateful and I plan on continuing this challenge for more than 30 days. This is going to be a new lifestyle change for me.

MUAH!

Homeless. Gypsy Woman.

Most of you are familiar with the Crystal Waters tune from 1991 called Gypsy Woman in which she sang about a homeless woman against a thumping house beat. Well, I was literally a gypsy woman a few years ago and was officially homeless for about two months. Below is a recount of how that unfolded and how I found redemption.

In the fall of 1998, I was tired of struggling and barely getting by. My son at that time was 4 years old and I was a single mother. My son's father wasn't contributing that much financially due to his recent arrest for selling drugs, so it was all on me to provide for the welfare of our child. I was making about $7.00 at that time and living in Florida where I was in an area known as Safety Harbor near Clearwater. I was paying about $550 per month rent for a two bedroom apartment and about $95 per week for daycare. In addition, I also had a car note, car insurance, utility bills, etc. etc. and with my wage, it was hard to make ends meet with no additional contributions.

So I came up with this brilliant idea to move to Atlanta. A friend of mine's sister lived there was needing a secretary for her up and coming business and was willing to pay me $11 per hour. Thinking I was on a come up, I gave a 30 day notice to my apartment building and gave notice to my employer, and began selling off my furniture because I was going to start fresh in Atlanta. I cashed in my 401k at the company I was working in and made the necessary plans to move.

My dad agreed to let my son stay with him in St. Louis for a few months until the Christmas holiday while I was in transition. The plan was after I got settled, I would fly back to St. Louis to retrieve my son. The day before I was due to leave, a series of events happened. My 401k was deposited in my bank account, but my account was levied because I owed past due taxes. The IRS took everything in the account so I had no money to move. My last paycheck was also deposited in my account and that was taken too.

I was going to need a few weeks to hustle up some more money before my move but I was told by employer that they had already hired someone to take my place and they were starting that next Monday. I then called my new employer in Atlanta and told her it would be a few weeks until I would have the money to move and she then told me not to even bother coming because she needed someone like yesterday and was going to hire someone else if I didn't get there ASAP. I had already sold all of my furniture and had to leave my apartment at the end of the weekend because my complex had rented it out.

The only good thing at this time was that my son was already in St. Louis so I didn't have to worry about him. My Aunt had flew in from St. Louis for my father and she and my son flew back.

I had only $100.00 to my name.

I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I didn't have any money or nowhere to go. 

My mother and I weren't talking at this time because I called her out on her shit with her drug abuse. My best friend and I weren't talking because she owed me money and didn't want to pay me. When it came to Florida, I didn't have many friends left. That was one of the many reasons why I wanted to leave. The "friend" who's sister I was going to work for in Atlanta stopped taking my phone calls. I had no one.

I called my dad about the job offer falling through but I didn't have the nerve to tell him I was broke. He was taking care of my son and helping me out, so I didn't want to ask for even more when he was doing so much for me already.

So I took what possessions I had and loaded it in my Neon and basically began living out of my car. I found a job working through a temp agency and began working right away as a receptionist. I worked during the day, slept in the car at night, usually in a Denny's parking lot. And in the wee hours in the morning before the sunlight came up, I would wash up in the Denny's bathroom or a hotel lobby bathroom which was next door and get dressed. No one at work knew I was homeless. I dressed well. Hair was done. Make-up applied. I didn't smell. No one was the wiser.

This was such a scary time. I had a cell phone (PrimeCo) that I was able to keep during this unfortunate event, so I would talk on the phone to mere acquaintances to keep myself awake at night. When I couldn't fight the sleep anymore, I would make sure the doors were locked, turn on the radio, and get in the backseat and let the music lull me to sleep. Every car that passed, every person that walked by, I woke up and acted like everything was normal. It was so hard putting on this act day in and day out. But I did it. And I did it well.

It was November and December in Florida and although it didn't get really cold, there were nights that I would turn my car on in intervals and run the heat so I wouldn't freeze. I missed all of my favorite shows without a television. I had no idea what was going on in the world or the news until I got to work each day. I was living a double life.

On the weekends, on the Friday I got paid each week, I stayed in a hotel where I enjoyed sleeping in a real bed and taking a real shower. It was like heaven to me.

Towards the end of December, right before Christmas, I saved up enough money for a small one bedroom apartment in St. Petersburg. I was elated even though it was nothing like the apartment I had before. At least I had a roof over my head and I would have heat and a shower, and a kitchen to fix meals.

Every time now that I get down, I think of this time in my life. I think of the pride that I had during this time and the fact that that pride, that inability to ask for help resulted in me sleeping in my car every night. 

I am so thankful God watched over me during that time and that nothing bad happened to me. I was also thankful that I was able to get out of that situation quickly. I never want to go back to living like that again.

My First Post Of '09. Thank You To New & Old Followers & Readers.

So we finally made it. 2009 has begun and I just know that it is going to be a good year. Personally, 2008 was a watershed year for me but I am not one to continue a negative thought process, especially when a new beginning is upon us. As I blogged before in my previous post, I am looking forward to conquering a few goals and continuing to grow in many aspects including my blog and video blog and website. This blogging experience is still new for me, and I feel there is so much for me to share with the world.

To my followers and readers, I appreciate you for taking time out of your busy day to read my blog. When I first began blogging, I felt disenfranchised because I wasn't getting many comments or feedback. But what I have learned (through my stats) is my visitor count is growing daily and I have been getting a constant flow of repeat readers who are interested in what I have to say. My followers are the best! You guys always keep me on my toes and give me your ear when I am in need of an unbiased point of view. For that, I am eternally grateful and hope that I continue to entertain you and enlighten you with my reality blog. This project is not about comment count or even traffic, but more about me letting go of baggage that used to consume me everyday. I now have an outlet to release and fortunately, that outlet identifies with others.

So again, here's to '09. There is so much more for me to share, so much living to do, and so much to look forward to.

MUAH!

2008. Yeah.

As the year is about to wind down come to an end, most people begin to sit back and reflect on the past year's events; the hits and misses, the mistakes, the pains, the joys, the highs, the lows, and ultimately, what could've been better in retrospect. 

All-in-all, I can say that while 2008 had its challenging moments for me, I am very blessed and I am happy with what the year had to offer overall. I met some new friends whom I hope to have in my life for a very long time. I bonded with my mother and repaired our damaged relationship. I helped my family in many ways both emotionally as well as financially. I bought a new home. I found my niche in the corporate world. And I gained a new perspective about life and became closer to God. What more can you ask for?

I am not one for resolutions. For one, each year that I made a resolution, I've always broken them within a week or two. So I am going to follow in last year's footsteps and not make any resolutions this for next year as well. But I do have a few goals that I've set for myself:

• Get my non-profit off the ground and invest in my own business endeavor
• Get in shape. Work out on a regular basis. I have fallen off the last few months
• Establish better eating habits. Less dining out and cut out the sodas (oh how I love 'em)
• Finalize the revisions and edits of my novel and get it published this year, by May 1st
• Less television. More ME time
• Work on my son's website and help him establish his acting career
• Be more frugal when it comes to spending but not lose the sponteneity
• Continue to cultivate my blog and launch my personal website and vlog.
• Finally go to NEW YORK CITY!

That is just a snapshot of the goals that I have set forth this year. As I accomplish these goals, I am going to refer back to this post and check-mark the goal I have completed off of the list. 

What are some of the things you want to accomplish in the upcoming year? I would love to hear your goals, resolutions, hopes and dreams for the new year. Please comment and let me know what you are thinking about in terms of self improvement in the upcoming year.

I Had To. Do It.

Last night was rough. I wasn't feeling well. But I was oh so horny. TINGLY. Warm and FUZZY. I tried to fight off the urge as much as I could. I even tried to put a pillow in between my legs as to control and mediate the pulses and sensations that were running amuck in that area. I squeezed my thighs together tighter thinking that with that one act, I would be able to curtail the persistent urge that radiated throughout my body and my inside.

It didn't work.

As sweat formed on my forehead in the unusually 70 degree December night heat, I opened my window and listened to the wind blow against the screen. I turned on my television and flipped to an Adult PPV. Picked the first one that looked interesting and bought it through the remote. An overwhelming since of guilt overcame me but I knew that I was at the point of no return.

My hand took a trip down south. My legs spread. And I submitted to the deed.

I have been fighting off the urge to masterbate for almost as long as I have been fighting the urge to have sex. But the intense feeling that I was experiencing would not let me go to bed without fulfilling my bodily urges. And need.

I do feel defeated and I do feel like I let myself down. I also must make sure that this sexual adventure that happened last night will not happen again anytime soon. I don't want to settle with pleasuring myself in order to get my rocks off. I don't want to fall into that all familiar pattern.

I slipped. But I am back on my feet again. We will see if I prevail tonight.

4 Months. And. Counting.

I haven't had sex in four months. Make that four and a half months. My body is weakening but my resolve is strong. I didn't set out on a quest to be celibate or to abstain from sex. I am a spiritual person but I wouldn't say I am highly religious. I am mainly not taking part in sexual activity because I am not in a serious or committed relationship. I don't want to have a one night stand. I don't want to have casual sex. I want to be in a steady and monogamous relationship and until that happens, I will not be participating in sexual intercourse.

Oral? Well that may be another story. But that is also another topic for another time.

The last time I had sex was in August. I was dating a person whom was living in Arkansas. We were doing the long distance relationship type of thing. I guess. If you could even call it a relationship. The sex was okay, nothing to write home about. And then on my way home, I thought about it. I thought, why did I just do that? We were safe and we protected ourselves. But it wasn't just about that. Why did I give myself to someone that I really didn't have feelings for. Did I care about him? Yes. I care about all of my friends. But I wouldn't give up the panties to my friends, neither. That is why they are simply friends and not anything more.

I crossed the line and I am not going to cross it again. Mind you, I have been divorced. I was married for five years.  And I dated my ex-husband for eight years prior. So this dating thing is all new to me. Again. And I see that the rules have changed. I never was one to believe in casual sex. And I am also very proud to say that I can count the number of partners I have using both my hands with several fingers left unclaimed. I have never been promiscuous but I do enjoy the act of having sex and experiencing an orgasm. Lately I have fallen back into my old habit of masterbating and watching porn which is something that I have been fighting for years, every since I was a little girl. I don't want to be a slave to sex. I want to experience making love with someone who I am in a relationship with, not a drive-by action.

I am sticking to my guns.

Which is why it has been four months. Four and a half months. And it has been hard. Especially when you are around someone who you are really attracted to. Someone that you are close to physically and kiss and hug and share intimacies with besides sex. Right now I am going through it trying to keep my sensibilities in focus. My want versus my needs are hard to distinguish at times but I still manage.

I am hoping that the drought will be over soon.

But, until then my friends, I will continue to fight the good fight. I don't want to have any regrets later, so therefore. I must keep this commitment to myself. And I am worth it.

Gravity.

An encounter yesterday left me bewildered and a little saddened. I have to unleash this incident out of my soul so I can be free of it.

I hate to be redundant, but for my new readers or to those that don't follow me on Twitter, I am a property manager for two apartment complexes in the St. Louis area. Anyway, everyday, I come in contact with many people from various walks of life. I love the type of job I have because it allows me flexibility with my schedule and I also get to incorporate my knowledge (and degrees)  in both PR and Human Services with my tenants and prospective residents. Anyway, this entry is not about my gig, but about something that so left a bad taste in my mouth that I must share it with you.

I have a young resident that is a single mother. For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Renee. Now Renee is a stripper in a bar in East St. Louis. Of course I know this because I had to verify her rental history as well as her employment status and income. Anywho, that is not really a big deal. I have residents that do all types of things, and as long as they can document their income and pass a thorough criminal background and credit check, and make three times the amount of rent, they will be approved. So Renee has been living in my complex for almost two years. She pays her rent on time for the most part and I don't hear much from her which I like. In any event, her neighbor informed me a few weeks ago that Renee had a dog in her apartment, a rottweiler which is against her lease. We do allow pets BUT they must be under 20 pounds and the resident must pay a pet fee security deposit of $350.00. They also must pay an extra $25 per month pet rent and submit accurate and up to date health records on the dog and we do not allow specific breeds such as pit bulls or rots. So when this neighbor came to me and told me Renee had a dog, I had to do some investigating.

I tried to track down Renee for a few weeks and I also tried to call her and she was dodging my calls. I finally saw her yesterday while I was walking the grounds and cornered her in a very professional way. I asked her if she had a dog because there had been a complaint and she instantly got on the defensive. I began to tell her that if she had a dog and it was not on the approved pet breed list, she would have to get rid of it or we would be forced to terminate a herlease letter and  find somewhere else to stay.

That is where, my friends, it got hectic. She began cursing me out (I won't repeat it because you all know the types of words that are used in this situation and they aren't very nice). But basically she called me all kinds of bitches and hoes and whatnot. Very loudly. Trying to keep my cool, I warned her that I wasn't going to finish the conversation if she didn't calm down and stop disrespecting me with all of this foolishness and she had the nerve to tell me, "Well, you think you are all that but you ain't. With all that white girl talk."

Now the old me, the old immature reckless me, would've gotten physical and would've connected my fist to her face but I had to keep composure. Everything was in my court. I had the upper hand because I could terminate the lease just off of that and go about my business and let the Sheriff serve her eviction papers by Monday. But I tried reasoning with her because I knew she was young and dumb and misguided and not quite thinking clearly about what she was doing. I asked Renee once more if she had a dog and she told me she was dogsitting. I told her to have the dog removed within 24 hours or my attorney would file papers in the courts for posession of the property.

Her response.

"Bitch, I wish you would."

It was then that I walked away. Walked back to my office to notify my attorneys that I needed them to file posession paperwork STAT. What is wrong with this girl, and so many others that think the world owes them something? Thinks that everyone is against them? Girls who don't know how to have a professional conversation without getting heated and using profanity? Girls who's souls are so lost and they use the pain they are experiencing to inflict pain on others? We as Black women get pulled down every day by society and the media enough. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I have a business to protect so I have to do what I have to do. I guess Renee is just another Lost One. Chalk it up again to the game.

Tell Me Somethin Good

Mood: Anxious. Pensive.

Status: In full holiday mode. Tackling the last few gifts so I can shut the credit cards down.

Wear: Jeans and t-shirt. Just cleaned the living room so I am far from looking cute.

Hair: Two ponytails. I know. School girl chic.

Music: Common. Come Close. With Mary J.

Place: Sofa in living room. Laptop action.

Next move: Meeting with a web designer to work on getting my website up. Hella excited.

Last text I sent: It's kinda long so I don't want to type it right now. Something about tools. From Sears. Craftsman. And setting up lottery stands. I told you. You would have to be there.

To Who: Que

Random Notes: Blog is getting mad love. Thanks a million! Just downloaded Tweet Deck because my friend Lex told me it was the bomb. And she is right. Way user friendly and better than using the regular Tweet. Everything is nice and organized. Wondering what I am going to wear tomorrow. Got to go to the cleaners. Still have to make that eye appointment. I want to go see Seven Pounds. Love me some Will Smith. Who can I go with? That is a good question. I am so happy the weekend is almost upon us. This TMSG is kinda boring but that is how it goes sometime, huh?

MUAH!

My First Orgasm

As I previously blogged in another post, I did not experience my first orgasm from actual sexual intercourse until I was 25. For more on my sexual hang-ups , you can click HERE. But in the meantime, I would like to take this opportunity to discuss and share with you the musings of the first time I came during sex.  And yes, this is a true story. No fakery.

I was living in South Carolina at the time and I met a guy a few years younger than me named Amp at the local supermarket. He was tall, about 6'4 to my 5'5 frame and we hit it off instantly. There was a silent attraction between the two of us. Amp wasn't the usual type of guy that I dated during that time. I hate to say this but if I am going to keep it real, I must disclose that during that unfortunate time in my life up to that point, I dated dope boys, thugs, street villains. Big gorilla swole type nikkuhs who possibly could've been on that Barry Bonds at one point. Amp wasn't squeaky clean, don't get me wrong. He had a normal job that required a W-2 but I know he did a little somethin somethin on the side, but he was hardly a professional street pharmacist. Anyway, Amp was a skinny fella. Handsome. But I was a thick girl and I needed a dude that could pick me up and ram me and ish. A dude that worked out. But Amp wasn't in that mode. But he was attractive. And since the chemistry was off the chain, I decided to give him some.

Mind you, when I let him inside my sugar walls, I hadn't had sex for almost six months. So ya girl was ready for some action. Hot sex on a platter type of ish. So anyway, I was living with my father at the time. This was right after I was homeless (more on that later). Anywho, my dad went to sleep and I invited Amp in for a drink. My dad's guestroom was on the other side of the house so we slipped in gingerly and I locked the door behind us.

I remember letting my hands glide over his chest as I took off his shirt. He was a skinny guy but he had defined muscles on his chest and upper body. He wasn't the bird chest type, and that turned me on because I felt more confident he could handle me. His chest was smooth without an ounce of hair. I figured he shaved or whatnot. I kissed his chest while massaging it. He took off my top and unhooked my bra in one motion. My large breasts were exposed to him and pointing like headlights. He sucked the hell out of my nipples and I began to feel euphoric. It was at this time that I knew I wasn't dealing with your average Joe. He knew how to work my body slowly. And he knew where to touch and how, and the exact amount of pressure that needed to be used.

Amp had some massive bedroom game.

We made our way to the bed and he took of my jeans and then my panties. He stood back and looked at me through the moonlight which was peeking through my window. Before I reached the point of no return, I leaned over and turned on the small stereo which sat on the nightstand next to the bed so that if i got loud, Pops wouldn't hear me. Amp pryed my legs open and began eating me out. He was slow but methodic and thorough, and he worked his mouth on me something serious. I hadn't had oral action like that in my life (up until that point)!

After teasing my neenah with his tongue and almost bringing me to a climax, he slipped on the rubber that he had and turned me on my stomach. He laid on top of me rubbing his member on my ass and then entered me. Slow at first. And then harder and harder with each thrust, pulling out after every several thrusts until I begged him to put it back in.

It was then that it seemed like he picked me up and held me, his member sliding around between my legs, not fully entering me. I couldn't take it anymore and I reached for it and he threw me down and stood back.

"Is this what you want, Danni?"

I shook my head.

"I ain't hear you. Is this what you want Danni?"

"Yes! Yes, I want it!"

I didn't say nothing but a word. It was then that he got on top of me and thrusted his large dick inside of me. Say what you want about "skinny" men, but it has been my experience that they pack heat ALL DAY. So Amp was working with almost more than I could handle. It had been 6 months so it hurt like heck when he rammed it in, but after a few strokes, the pain subsided and it began to feel better and better.

Yes.

And with each stroke I got warmer and warmer and I could feel my toes tingle. I could feel everything from the inside out and I was about to errupt. He continued to enter me full force until I couldn't take it anymore and before you knew it, I felt that familiar tingle and then the tightening of my muscles as I climaxed.

It was the first time. I had an orgasm. During sex.

I felt like I could cry. But I didn't. I lay there as he got off top of me and lay beside of me out of breath himself, covered in sweat. We fell asleep for like an hour or so and then awoke back up from round two where I experienced a series of orgasms.

Amp slipped quietly out of my room in the early hours of dawn and I continued these late night trysts until I moved away to St. Louis a few months later.

That was and still is the greatest sex I ever had.

Amp and I still talk to this day. Every few weeks. We discuss our past sexual actvities with fondess, both of us wondering if we will ever meet again to pick up where we left off. You just never really know these things.

Tell Me Somethin Good-2 AM Morning Edition

Mood: Angelic (thanks Fresh)

Status: Ready to take over the world. Sleeves are rolled up. I'm in my b-boy stance.

Wear: T-shirt, boy shorts.

Hair: Down. I have "pageant hair" from earlier.

Music: Kanye West. Say You Will. My favorite song of the moment.

Place: Sofa in living room. Laptop action.

Next move: I put it out there. Let's see what I get back.

Last text I sent: 'Goodnight'.

To Who: Ole boy.

Random Notes: I can hear the sleet hitting the window pane. Tomorrow i going to be a beast outside. Luckily i am off work and can stay at home to avoid the commute madness. I was called an angel tonight. I feel very honored with the title. I try to put out more than I get back. I live by that code, but more often than not, I don't get back HALF of what I give. I guess I am a sucker. But I also believe in seeing the good in people. Which is why I always get chopped and screwed. I am not going to allow that, though, to stop me from doing what I can for people. For those in need. If it bites me in the ass later, it's okay. I'm a big girl now. I can take it.