4 Months. And. Counting.

I haven't had sex in four months. Make that four and a half months. My body is weakening but my resolve is strong. I didn't set out on a quest to be celibate or to abstain from sex. I am a spiritual person but I wouldn't say I am highly religious. I am mainly not taking part in sexual activity because I am not in a serious or committed relationship. I don't want to have a one night stand. I don't want to have casual sex. I want to be in a steady and monogamous relationship and until that happens, I will not be participating in sexual intercourse.

Oral? Well that may be another story. But that is also another topic for another time.

The last time I had sex was in August. I was dating a person whom was living in Arkansas. We were doing the long distance relationship type of thing. I guess. If you could even call it a relationship. The sex was okay, nothing to write home about. And then on my way home, I thought about it. I thought, why did I just do that? We were safe and we protected ourselves. But it wasn't just about that. Why did I give myself to someone that I really didn't have feelings for. Did I care about him? Yes. I care about all of my friends. But I wouldn't give up the panties to my friends, neither. That is why they are simply friends and not anything more.

I crossed the line and I am not going to cross it again. Mind you, I have been divorced. I was married for five years.  And I dated my ex-husband for eight years prior. So this dating thing is all new to me. Again. And I see that the rules have changed. I never was one to believe in casual sex. And I am also very proud to say that I can count the number of partners I have using both my hands with several fingers left unclaimed. I have never been promiscuous but I do enjoy the act of having sex and experiencing an orgasm. Lately I have fallen back into my old habit of masterbating and watching porn which is something that I have been fighting for years, every since I was a little girl. I don't want to be a slave to sex. I want to experience making love with someone who I am in a relationship with, not a drive-by action.

I am sticking to my guns.

Which is why it has been four months. Four and a half months. And it has been hard. Especially when you are around someone who you are really attracted to. Someone that you are close to physically and kiss and hug and share intimacies with besides sex. Right now I am going through it trying to keep my sensibilities in focus. My want versus my needs are hard to distinguish at times but I still manage.

I am hoping that the drought will be over soon.

But, until then my friends, I will continue to fight the good fight. I don't want to have any regrets later, so therefore. I must keep this commitment to myself. And I am worth it.