Oh Freaking Boy! (An Open Letter)

We hadn't talked in a minute. The connection we had back in the thick of things had wavered. And yet today, when I talked to you, despite our hiatus, despite the busy schedules that we both maintain and trips recently taken, we fell back into the groove. Yes, it was awkward at first because it had been awhile. But when you are used to talking to someone as much as we talked, the communication comes naturally.

I missed your friendship. You didn't go anywhere. Neither did I. And yet, there was always something indeed missing. At least on my end.

You still intrigue me. You are still that dope being that has effortless cool on the phone and even more so in person. I am drawn to you because you are a unique individual with confidence that puts other men to shame. You are indeed an alpha male. I've always been attracted to that.

Yes there is someone else in my life. We discussed it. Me and ole boy aren't serious, although we are this close to becoming as physical as two can be. You don't want a relationship (with me). I mean, how could we even have one with YOU there and ME here? We have both moved on although we never stopped  moving on. But I still have feelings for you. I won't front. My heart was open to you at one point and I was not in the business of being hurt. So I did close the door. But above all else, your friendship is most important to me.

You made me smile today because you said that we were not platonic. All this talk of friendship that you have expressed during these six months and you let me know that you see me as other than JUST a friend. And that does mean something. No matter what the future holds.

I always want to be in your life no matter what. And I always want us to share that connection. I will always be your flower girl. Ride or die.

MUAH

Confidence Is Dope. Bragging? Not So Much

I simply adore my confident brothers and sisters out there, let me put that on front street. Media will perpetuate that within the Black urban community, those that are doing well for themselves are rappers or basketball players, or dope boys, or less than stellar individuals who hustle their way through life on the not so up-and-up. But there are also those of us who are out there on the daily living professional lives in our fields grinding it out and making a good living while doing so. We are living the good life because we work hard and devote so much of our days to our prospective occupations and endeavors and for that, we indulge.

But this blog post is not in reference to those individuals. The individuals whom I'd like to discuss are those out there with "new money" and they have to floss what they have in order to get attention. Let me break down what I mean so you can understand the essence.

I have a good friend. He's a guy. This past weekend before I left, we hung out. We ate at a fine dining restaurant here in the Lou called Brio and afterwards we went to see one of his boys perform at a club in the Loop. 

He kept saying during the meal that this place was so this and so that. And yes it was. It went without saying. Brio was nothing new to me, I had been there several times. But the way he talked, it was like wanted me to be impressed that he chose such a nice dining establishment. NOPE! LOL.

During the whole entire meal, he went on and on about his new E Class Benz that he purchased a few weeks ago. Now, I for one, congratulated him on his purchase when he sent me a picture mail on my phone of him standing next to it. But during dinner he talked about his new Benz, and his new loft downtown, and the fact that he was going to Aruba in February and this and that. I refer to this as new money because when people that have had money for awhile don't have to throw it out there that they have money. Those who haven't had it that long seem to be more braggadocious about it. He and I used to have deep conversations about hella stuff and the dinner seemed to be filled with his latest and greatest purchases.

No I am not jealous. Again, I applaud homeboy for being able to afford the things that he wants. I love that he has flow like that. But I am no bump on a log myself. I don't have a Benz, but I do very well thank you. Plus, would rather be measured by my character, not by the money that is in my bank account.

I told him that.

His reply to me is that he is a good catch because all the ladies see him on a come-up and now he has to beware of gold diggers. And I am almost certain that that is a true statement. But speaking about your have's most certainly will attract the gold digger type of chick, don't you think? I told him to marinate on that and he simply laughed.

The money has gone to his head.

I also sensed that his bragging and continuous talk of money really displayed the fact that he was insecure. He would rather discuss his latest vacation and 5 Star hotel visit than talk about himself, the man, as if his worthiness depended on his platinum Amex. SMH. This was a person that I so loved hanging out with and kicking it with and now there is mostly silence between us because it's all about him.

What he displayed that evening wasn't confidence at all. A confident person can have all of the swag (yes I said we need to bury the word swag but let me use it just this once) and have not a penny to his name because his worth is not measured by his money, but he himself. That is the type of brother I am attracted to, not some chocolate Ritchie Rich who is really a scared little boy on the inside.

We were such good friends. I don't know what is going to happen to us now because I can't put up with the whole bling bling conversations. I'd rather just hang onto my memories.

I Am. Divorced.

Many of you know that I am divorced. What many people do not know is the circumstances behind the split. Here are the details:

I met my ex husband in 1998. Online. We were both in a Yahoo chat room (remember those?) and he mentioned that he was from St. Louis. I was living in Florida and I sent a private message letting him know that I was from St. Louis originally. We exchanged emails, struck up a friendship and which grew over time.

Fast forward to the year 2000. I had been struggling in Florida and thinking about just giving up and moving somewhere else. I had already tried to move to Atlanta and failed before I was even unable to move. I knew I had to do something because Florida was becoming a place that I hated to live. It was during this time that my ex husband was breaking up with his woman. Our emails became more frequent and I told him of my troubles and he invited me to come to St. Louis to visit him. Purchased a ticket for me and had it waiting at the ticket counter.

I thought why not? Most of my family lived in St. Louis so I would have a place to stay. He sent me a ticket and I came to visit on August 12, 2000. I stayed.

Fast forward. We got serious rather quickly. Fell in love. He was brilliant, funny, warm, open, honest, and handsome. He was the prototype and we had so much in common. We were both only children. Our families got along. He was my best friend. A match made in heaven.

We got married.

We had a daughter.

He became another father to my son.

But marrying your best friend is hard. People think this would be the ideal marriage but it wasn't. We were always looking for something. Everything was too familiar. Too perfect. Too cookie cutter. Just going through life daily and not experiencing excitement began to take a toll on our marriage.

Then he cheated.

Then I did.

Then it was just the two of us trying to hurt one another over and over again. We tried to work it out but we couldn't overcome the past. There was too much damage done. I couldn't forget his discretion and he couldn't forget mine.

We separated in January if last year and the divorce was final in October.

There are times that I feel I will ever get married again but I know that probably isn't the case. I do know that when and if I get married again, it won't be to my best friend. I know this sounds ridiculous but when you are too much like someone else, and you have that best friend thing that turns into a marriage, it oftentimes comes to bite you in the ass. I am thankful to my ex-husband. He is a great father to the both of my children. He takes care of business. And we still remain close.

Our marriage was not a mistake.

We just weren't ready. I know that now.

Lovers. &. Friends.

We all know that mixing friendship and sex and love and all of that can be a recipe for toxicity. Right now, I am feeling that I am delving into matters and situations with someone close to me that is causing me to break that forbidden and sometimes, unspoken rule. 

Question:

Can men and women be friends. Platonic. No sex?

Answer:

Yes. I have several male friends with whom I am strictly friends with and we haven't gone into that forbidden territory. Of course, some will say that men and women can be friends but there is always that "want" for one or the other or both to eventually have sex. There is always that attraction. And I do agree with that to a certain extent. But I do have friends who are male that I do not feel attracted to whatsoever and they aren't attracted to me (or so they say). So let's say the jury is still out on that one.

But let's get back to the topic at hand. I have a friend who is male and the two of us have been friends for a few years. Now this is a little different because I do believe we have been attracted to each other even before I divorced (more on my divorce later). Anyway, he and I have been kicking it ALOT I would say over the past several months and it we kissed for the first time in over two years last month. It could have went farther but I think we both knew that if it did, we would be at the point of no return and neither one of us are prepared for that.

Shit. He is so cool. And we have a lot in common. We both adore music and the way to my heart, or at least the map, always involves music. And with the new year upon us, I don't want to count him out because we are such good friends. But I also don't want to ruin the wonderful friendship we have built. He is very important to me and I don't think trying to make something between us would be worth potentially damaging our friendship.

This sucks.

Tonight we spoke for a half hour or so and neither of us were confident or comfortable enough with bringing up our pending "relationship"exploring it further. But I must admit, the thought of possibly being his woman, walking beside him, holding his hand, having his back, cooking his dinner and rubbing him down at night is quite appealing. I think about it often. Although, hell, neither one of us are ready for that. He just got out of  relationship a few months prior and I just divorced last October. So we are still healing from the past.

I don't wanna hold onto falsehoods. But I don't want to let go either.

I get wet when I see him. When we kissed and our bodies connected and he held me in his arms, I was ready to burst. When I am around him, I feel tingly and warm and fuzzy all at the same time. I can't front.

What's a girl to do?

The Pleasure Principle

...and I am not talking about the Janet song. I am talking about the principle in which two people who are kicking it have an understanding which is basically eff buddies 101. You do your thing, I do mine. And when we feel the need, we execute the pleasure principle.

The reason why I as is because this "proposition" has been presented to me a few times by the same gentleman and I turned it down. I told a girlfriend of mine while driving to work this morning that I said NO to him, and she thought I was a prude because I wasn't down with getting the D without any strings attached. She understands that right now I really don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, but is tired of hearing me say that I am missing some good bedroom action and she thought that my homie's "proposition" would ease my sexual tension. And she is right. But it's not just about easing my frustration with getting a good nut.

Like, I can't do anything halfway. I know some ninjas out there that can do that. They are satisfied with giving just 50% or 65% or some ish like that. But not your girl! When I do something, I want to do it right and I don't want to have a "buddy" whom I kick it with and then let it go down. If I can't have the relationship with the sex, then I don't want any part of it. It's like all or nothing. Am I crazy for feeling like that?

I dunno. Right now, I am in a place in my life where I want to focus on me and only me. I don't want a relationship because I am not ready to give that part of me to someone else. I've been through a lot this past year and I need to explore things by myself before I delve into the girlfriend/boyfriend thing. So no sex. 'Cause for me, sex without strings is a recipe for disaster. Someone is going to catch feelings (usually me) and then it's all downhill from there. Why even bother with that foolishness? Love games are so predictable.

I did say no to the pleasure principle. As much as I crave it, want it, think about it, and NEED it, nothing good is going to come of it. So I will stay on the solo tip for now until something magnificent this way comes. I am not settling this time. NO WAY. And it's okay to be alone. No drama. No worries. Good times.

The Bish Is So Heartless

Someone told me this was girlfriend season BUT it seems more like heartbreak season around these parts. If one more fella tells me that their woman is on some other ish, I will pass the hell out. I guess all the break-ups must come before Christmas so peeps can save their duckets since they don't have to buy their girl a gift OR they can still unwrap it and take it since they still have the receipt because there is like, 15 days before the big day? The love thing is stoned right now, officially. So glad that I am not in that category for the moment.

But enjoy a little 'Yeezy for your afternoon heartbreak and even though you and your girl are no longer an item, I am sure you will be at the club in a few weeks meeting a new tender. Mark the tape F-R-E-S-H. (LOL--yes, I am talking 'bout u).

Say what you want about 808's, Kanye brought it with Heartless. Yup!

Oh and to read what 'Ye had to say about his "supposed" poor record sales (I think that 450,000 units in this day and age during the first week is good outstanding but that's just me. You know I stan for Kanye), click HERE.

Attraction Doesn't Always = Relationships

BUT...

Dig this. 

He is attracted to me. I am attracted to him.

He is affectionate. More than most. And he cares.

I care.

We haven't had sex yet and we have talked about it. And we aren't going to.

We have the best conversations EVER!

All of this, and it doesn't = a relationship.

Waste of time?

Or is it okay in this instance to be all of the above and still be friends? Your take?

Boyfriend Gifts vs. Friend Gifts- What Is Too Much

Those few of you who read this blog (one day I will really promote it to the masses but I am just quite not ready yet) know that a lot of my conversations with my friends on the 'net and real life somehow magically make it onto my blog. It's catharsis for me. Today is no exception. A friend of mine who happens to be male and I were discussing Christmas gifts and we were telling one another what we wanted. He had told me in the past that he wanted a Sony PS3 and I was cool with that, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like that gift was like a gift that a woman gives to her man. Not a woman to her friend. Him and I aren't at that point so I thought that type of gift would've been a little over the top. He didn't agree. And on a sidenote, I've seen his television (it's hella old) and thought that it would be cool to get him a flatscreen but then of course if a PS3 is over the top, that would be like towards the heavens. LOL.

He didn't agree with me. He said that he didn't think a PS3 or plasma would be over the top but of course he would be the benefactor in this so why would he? When he asked what I wanted, I told him to put the amount that he would've spent on my gift and give it to his church as an offering in my name. Now I think that is appropriate.

I just think high ticket electric items such as game consoles and televisions, and the like are things that friends (well male and female friends) don't give to one another. Unless there is more going on. I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. Let me know if you agree or not. I am anxious to read your input. 

"I Wanna Be In Love...But I'm Working On Me First..."

Awesome topic, eh? A friend of mine whom I met on the Internet and I were chatting on Yahoo messenger and it had been awhile since we really chatted other than hi and bye and that type of stuff. Anyway, I asked him if he was married yet because he used to talk about settling down all the time and it had been awhile and he went on to say that he was still single and it was mostly because women didn't know what they wanted (go figure) and then he said something really profound, and it caught me off guard because you rarely hear it anymore, especially from a 28 year old. He said he was "just trying to get himself together mentally, financially, and spiritually" before he was going to be able to really commit to a woman on that level. I sat back and applauded him silently because it was a very on point thing to say.

The loneliness can set in and the need for sex and companionship and all that comes with having a relationship with a BOO has been the focus of many 20 and 30 somethings but at the same time, how can we give ourselves to someone else when we aren't even ready? Not ready in the sense of being ready to be in an exclusive relationship, but ready in the sense of having our ish together so that we come to the table with plenty to offer. I mean, how can we be with someone whom we expect to have it together when we aren't able to say the same? I am so proud of my little homie because he brought that back into prospective for me. Not that I didn't know that already because TRUST, I do, but it's easy as a human and as a female in this world of ours to forget the basics and get caught up in the rapture.

Speak on it....