I Am Not My Hair

This particular blog entry is difficult for me to write because I have so many hang-ups and whatnot when it comes to my hair. Since I could remember, I have had issues with my hair and just recently, I decided to just let it go and do what I feel is best for my overall well being when it comes to my strands. Here is my story:

As a child, I was told I had good hair. Whatever that means. It was a nice length, fine, and wavy. My mother usually put my hair in braids or ponytails and I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down until I was like 13. Yes, I am serious. At that age, I began going to get my hair done at the salon and I would get it pressed. My mother would not allow me to get a perm for fear it would mess up my "good" hair. When I was 15, my mother finally relented and I got a relaxer and there began my love/hate relationships with chemical straighteners.

When I was 16, with the popularity of Toni Braxton and Halle Berry and Anita Baker tapered short cuts and styles, I chopped all of my hair off to conform. At first, I loved it but then I realized that keeping the style meant I had to get my hair done every week and I had to get it cut quite often. Bored with the style after 6 months or so, I let my beautician put in a sew in weave. I loved the instant length it afforded and I began wearing a weave pretty much all of the time.

Now anyone who remembers the early nineties remember that weaves were somewhat controversial. Now weaves are considered very mainstream and as a fashion accessory but back then, it was a travesty if people knew you had a weave. I moved around a lot and when I started my Junior and Senior year at high school, everyone saw me with the long hair and thought it was mine. I began living the lie of having long hair when I really didn't and this created tension because I didn't feel comfortable wear my own hair.

Wearing a weave became a crutch that I would have pretty much throughout my adult life. I wouldn't allow my own hair to breathe because I felt I needed to keep up the persona of having long hair. My beautician was so good at putting in the weave that no one was the wiser believe it or not and there were few people that knew I wasn't wearing my own hair.

This all came to a head when I got into a fight at school. The first thing the girl did was pull on my hair as girls often do when fighting and the weave track came out of the top of my head. She was carrying it in her hand and the crowd watching it was shocked to see that it was a weave. It was hard for me to show my face the next day at school but my mom and dad made me go to school. (I lost the fight by the way).

After that tragic incident at school, I started wearing my own hair. And that lasted for awhile. By then it had grown to a nice length but was very damaged after relaxing it myself when I took out the weave. So I began to experiment with pieces. Falls and ponytails and things like that to cover up the unhealthiness of the hair. I began college with braids and wore them during the mid to late 90's.

During the pregnancy of my son, my hair grew very long and strong but I had another brush with scissors and cut it all off again into a short bob that was the rage then. Of course I got bored with the length and I began wearing full headed weaves again.

It was a vicious cycle that I perpetrated.

Fast forward to now and I am still wearing weaves. But I don't wear them all the time. I give my hair a resting period and wear my own hair from time-to-time. I have had a relaxer constantly for too many years and decided in October, after having a heat-to-heart with my stylist to go natural.

There is nothing wrong with straight hair. Or chemically relaxing your hair. Or wearing weaves. But I think that the combination of all of the those things is displaying to others that I can only be beautiful with these "crutches" and that is not true. For starters, my beauty doesn't come from my outside but from my inside. Number two, the hair in a relaxed state and bought in a store is not truly mine. I am not being myself if I cannot wear my hair in its natural state.

I love looking at sisters who are rocking twists or locks, or an Afro, or curls or whatever hair style they chose that is natural. It's a statement. It's funky. And it's being true to oneself. Not that wearing a weave or having relaxers mean you can't be true, but using it for a crutch, which was my experience, it can seem like you are being your hair. And I am not my hair. India.Arie had it right when she sang that song:

I have been researching ways to transition my hair to natural. Right now I am wearing a sew in weave in order to transition in. I am also going to try rocking braids and some curly do's. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to cut the relaxed ends off and that will be the day I am borne again as a woman. A natural one, napps, waves, curls, and all.

I will still straighten my hair. My current stylist specializes in natural hair and said that in its natural state, my wavy and fine hair would be easy to train and straighten with a flat iron without chemicals. Right now, being totally chemically free is my goal and I cannot wait to achieve it. It will give me so much flexibility to wear it curly, wavy, or straight and I will have so many more options when it comes to my hair.

If you have any suggestions on how I can transition my hair, please reply to this post. I would be most grateful and thankful. Taking this new journey is going to be long and I am sure I will have some stumbling blocks along the way. But this is a new phase, a new direction in which I would like to follow. I need to do this for myself.

His Hands = The Sweetest Taboo

His hands were like lightening to my thunderstorm when we connected. Sensual. Loving without love if that makes any sense. He is smooth with it. Takes his time to get it right. Not methodical or calculating. I can tell he is living for the moment, spontaneous with the passion. Not too much but not too little. Just enough to get that thang right.

He asked me to take of my clothes which I did slowly. He took off his. And then we stood there touching one another like this was out first time seeing the opposite sex naked. He emitted positivity and I was drawn to it. His skin was smooth. Brown. Serene. The right amount of moisture. He put his hands on my breasts and cupped them like he was holding a baby. So soft. I whispered he didn't have to be so gentle. But if he wanted to be soft he could. But if he wanted to rub em harder, he could do that too.

He sat on his bed. I stood facing him. His hands went from my breasts to my waist to my hips to my thighs and then he cupped my ass. Jiggled it. We laughed. He told me he never would've thought about doing this two years before. I said I know, me neither. I was married then. He was with ole girl. It would've been completely wrong. To engage in this sort of behavior before now. But here we were. Attraction had taken over. And now we can do what we've been wanting to do.

The nakedness of this whole affair was arousing. We didn't get RIGHT to it. We made ourselves familiar with one another. His bedroom was warm, a blanket of heat and eroticism in the air. His Ipod was on a playlist of slow songs and I was sure I wasn't the only female to here them. In this room. But I didn't care. Couldn't care less. At this time, being in a relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. It was all about the BIG O.

We laid in the bed. He was still caressing my breasts, which I think was his favorite part on my body. My other body parts were getting jealous but it was okay. Time. And patience. I had that. He played in my hair. Cupped my face with his one free hand. I giggled because Lovers and Friends from Lil Jon and Usher came on. It was like the Ipod knew our relationship up to that point. I asked him if he liked to kiss. He said yeah.

I asked him to kiss me.

He did.

A kiss is a deal breaker for me. If a dude can't kiss, then I am out the door. It is that serious to me. Our lips connected and met. And saliva. The kiss was nice. Slow as hell, not too deep, kind of teasing. Okay. I could stay. He knew how to kiss.

We touched and felt and kissed for hours it seemed. I looked at the time and it was almost 2 in the morning. I had to go to work the next morning.

We didn't do the deed.

I got dressed slowly and he helped me. It was cute. He was still hard and I felt bad. All of that foreplay and we didn't do anything. But to be honest, I didn't want to anymore. It wasn't about that tonight. We had been co-workers before. Then friends. Then "brother and sister". Then possible hook-up homies. The titles of our relationships had changed so many times. This was not something we should rush.

We hugged. And kissed. I made it to the front door. We hugged again and I told him I would call him later that day. I started walking to my car and then he called my name. I turned around. He met me halfway and we hugged again. A quick peck. And I got in my Jeep with my sweetest taboo.

The next day at work, I logged onto Facebook. And to my surprise, he had updated his status. And he did it in a way that paid homage to our night before. No one else knew but me what it meant. But it was touching and cute. And all of that.

His hands. I want to feel them again. It's been too long. Yeah.

I Got My Hair Did (LOL)

Thoughts? LOL.

I Am Thinking Of Going Natural...

No more juices and berries and relaxers and all that jazz. Just the raw truth, whatever that is. I haven't had virgin hair since I was 14 years old. I can't even imagine what it would be like. But lately, I have really been thinking about going au naturel and let my hair's natural texture take effect. I've been browsing many natural hair websites and I've been really inspired to do it! My mom has been natural for like 4 years or something like that and she loves it. Just wash and go! And a friend of mine named Laverne on the web took the natural challenge this summer and girlfriend looks fierce! YUP!

I know relaxers and weaves and all of it is just a crutch. I can admit that to myself. But how do I even begin this journey? Are their any natural-ites out there? How would I transition from relaxed to natural? Please clue a sistah in and givesome advice. It would be greatly appreciated.