New Blog Redesign Is Complete!

Hi guys! My new blog redesign has been completed and is now up and functioning. As you may have read earlier, I am now using WordPress for Make Blog Not War and will no longer be using Blogger. To see the new website, please visit http://www.blognotwar.com

I will no longer be updating this particular page. I hope to see you on the other side!

Growing Pains

I am now three months deep into my blog and I have noticed that I am outgrowing my space. I am not that crazy about my current blog layout so I have decided to hire a professional designer to create a more personalized internet environment for me and my thoughts. The site will now be self-hosted with my own hosting instead of Blogger, which will allow for more personalization and less cookie cutter action. I am also changing the site from being in Blogger to Wordpress, so this is going to be a big transition. Hopefully, you guys will stick with me during this "pardon my dust" era, which should be complete within the next week or so.

Guest Blogger- Naturally Alise Responds To My Personal Domestic Abuse Post

Under my previous post entitled: Not To Be Taken Lightly, I discussed my own personal experience with physical and verbal abuse. In the comments section, one of my Twitter friends and blog colleagues Naturally Alise, did not fully agree with my closing statement, time heals all wounds. In order to clarify her reasoning for not agreeing and also give her a forum in order to reply in full to my post, I asked her to write a featured Guest Blog on my site. The following is her blog entry written expressly for BlogNotWar:

I had to rebuild my self confidence and strength back, but I know what it feels like to be overpowered and bullied by the one that you love and who supposedly loves you. So I do feel for not only Rihanna, but for every victim of domestic or physical violence male or female.You can They say time heals all wounds. I would say that that is a correct assessment.

I must respectfully semi-disagree with my buddy Dannigyrl. Time does NOT heal all wounds. In fact, emotional wounds behave just like physical wounds. * You can ignore the wound and it will get infected and become much larger and more detrimental than the original injury. In fact in 1997, I was sexually assaulted. I will not go into the specific details (I'll save that for my memoirs one day, shit, I'm gonna be famous y'all), but I swept it under the rug and refused to deal with it until a few years ago. That pain ate me up and festered in my spirit for all those years. It affected my lifestyle and affected every relationship I was ever in negatively. time did not heal a single thing. Not a one.* You can deal with the wound. You can endure the sting of the alcohol and cleanse it. Do you once I started talking about what happened to me and dealing with my emotions constructively, through therapy and support of friends I was able to come out a better and infinitely stronger woman. I just had to get over the feelings of shame and stigma (the sting of the alcohol, if you will) and just hold my head up. I did that, time didn't do a single thing. Not a one.BUT*Just like a wound, it scars. It leaves something behind. That doesn't mean it necessarily has to be bad. I am a firm believer in turning tragedy or negativity into something fruitful in the end. That is the key, use that time on this planet to do something that will help or encourage the next woman to restart her life and maybe be encouraged not to waste precious time walking around with open wounds.***I also really feel the need to throw in this random PSA. STOP blaming victims. Le sigh...***Thanks,Naturally Alise

You can visit Naturally Alise by going to her blog Black Woman Lost and Found HERE and Cubicle Crusaders HERE

I Have Faltered.....

I could tell towards the end of January that I was getting bored with blogging. Not bored in the sense of not wanting to blog, but bored in the sense that it was getting hard for me to keep up the daily pace of blogging at least once a day AND keep up with my duties as mother and property manager and the like.

There are a lot of bloggers that blog everyday once or twice or maybe even more than that. I envy them because I wish I was creative enough to think of topics to fill up these pages. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Multitasking, although I am somewhat good at it, can sometimes lead me astray.

I need to get out of my head. I have received several emails from my followers and other readers wanting to know if I was okay and if I had given up on my blog. What I now understand is that this blog is bigger than me. The content, the writing, the subjects are all an outlet for ME but there are those of YOU that care about it and come to my site because what I write touches something in YOU. As I have stated before, I have started so many blogs in the past just to stop writing after a few days or weeks and I promised myself that that would not happen again.

So I apologize in advance and hope you understand. Sometimes life happens. But in reality, I need this blog in my life. I've faltered, as we all often do, but I hope I haven't lost you as a follower and that you continue to read my blog.

Thanks!

Update- 30 Day No Soda Challenge & Other Items

Can you believe it has been almost a month since I began my 30 Day No Soda Challenge? I began the challenge not only as a New Year's Resolution, but as a goal to live my life healthier in '09. I found myself drinking at least a six pack or so more of soda each day, and with diabetes being a problem in my family for so many years, I knew I had to stop the addiction. So on Monday, January 5, 2009, I started my 30 Day No Soda Challenge.

There have been many times that I slipped and fell off the wagon. But what kept me on the straight and narrow (besides prayer) is knowing that I would be so defeated if I drank a soda because I would have to blog about it and let you all know that I lost the good fight. That is one blog I don't want to have to write, especially since a few of my Twitter folks are also riding with me on the Challenge.

I have lost 11 pounds since I began. I wasn't doing this Challenge to lose weight, but this is a great side effect and I needed to lose bout 15 pounds anyway. I feel like I have more energy each day and I don't feel as bloated. I still get headaches every now and then but they don't last as long as they used to, and my body is getting used to not having as much caffeine. I drink about 15 glasses of water daily along with a few servings of juice (either cranberry or apple) and I also drink sweet tea, which is my latest addiction.

Someone on Twitter recognized that sweet tea can be just as bad as soda and pointed that out to me, so I began weaning myself off of that this week. I plan to be completely sweet tea free by the middle of next month as well. I am trying not to start too many Challenges at one time in order to keep balance and control in my life. I don't want to be overloaded with too many goals.

This Challenge will last beyond 30 Days. I would like to stay soda free (with the exception of a can or two here or there once or twice a month) for the rest of the year. I also want to begin a rigorous exercise challenge of Cardio and Yoga in February. My homie Forever Lex and I along with the USUAL SUSPECTS are planning a TweetUp in Miami in May and I so want to look flawless in a  two-piece. Dade County will never be the same. 

This Challenge this is slowly morphing into a lifestyle change and a way of life for me. Thanks to everyone who has continued to show me support through this No Soda Thing. I am ever so grateful. More than you know. :P

I Am Not My Hair

This particular blog entry is difficult for me to write because I have so many hang-ups and whatnot when it comes to my hair. Since I could remember, I have had issues with my hair and just recently, I decided to just let it go and do what I feel is best for my overall well being when it comes to my strands. Here is my story:

As a child, I was told I had good hair. Whatever that means. It was a nice length, fine, and wavy. My mother usually put my hair in braids or ponytails and I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down until I was like 13. Yes, I am serious. At that age, I began going to get my hair done at the salon and I would get it pressed. My mother would not allow me to get a perm for fear it would mess up my "good" hair. When I was 15, my mother finally relented and I got a relaxer and there began my love/hate relationships with chemical straighteners.

When I was 16, with the popularity of Toni Braxton and Halle Berry and Anita Baker tapered short cuts and styles, I chopped all of my hair off to conform. At first, I loved it but then I realized that keeping the style meant I had to get my hair done every week and I had to get it cut quite often. Bored with the style after 6 months or so, I let my beautician put in a sew in weave. I loved the instant length it afforded and I began wearing a weave pretty much all of the time.

Now anyone who remembers the early nineties remember that weaves were somewhat controversial. Now weaves are considered very mainstream and as a fashion accessory but back then, it was a travesty if people knew you had a weave. I moved around a lot and when I started my Junior and Senior year at high school, everyone saw me with the long hair and thought it was mine. I began living the lie of having long hair when I really didn't and this created tension because I didn't feel comfortable wear my own hair.

Wearing a weave became a crutch that I would have pretty much throughout my adult life. I wouldn't allow my own hair to breathe because I felt I needed to keep up the persona of having long hair. My beautician was so good at putting in the weave that no one was the wiser believe it or not and there were few people that knew I wasn't wearing my own hair.

This all came to a head when I got into a fight at school. The first thing the girl did was pull on my hair as girls often do when fighting and the weave track came out of the top of my head. She was carrying it in her hand and the crowd watching it was shocked to see that it was a weave. It was hard for me to show my face the next day at school but my mom and dad made me go to school. (I lost the fight by the way).

After that tragic incident at school, I started wearing my own hair. And that lasted for awhile. By then it had grown to a nice length but was very damaged after relaxing it myself when I took out the weave. So I began to experiment with pieces. Falls and ponytails and things like that to cover up the unhealthiness of the hair. I began college with braids and wore them during the mid to late 90's.

During the pregnancy of my son, my hair grew very long and strong but I had another brush with scissors and cut it all off again into a short bob that was the rage then. Of course I got bored with the length and I began wearing full headed weaves again.

It was a vicious cycle that I perpetrated.

Fast forward to now and I am still wearing weaves. But I don't wear them all the time. I give my hair a resting period and wear my own hair from time-to-time. I have had a relaxer constantly for too many years and decided in October, after having a heat-to-heart with my stylist to go natural.

There is nothing wrong with straight hair. Or chemically relaxing your hair. Or wearing weaves. But I think that the combination of all of the those things is displaying to others that I can only be beautiful with these "crutches" and that is not true. For starters, my beauty doesn't come from my outside but from my inside. Number two, the hair in a relaxed state and bought in a store is not truly mine. I am not being myself if I cannot wear my hair in its natural state.

I love looking at sisters who are rocking twists or locks, or an Afro, or curls or whatever hair style they chose that is natural. It's a statement. It's funky. And it's being true to oneself. Not that wearing a weave or having relaxers mean you can't be true, but using it for a crutch, which was my experience, it can seem like you are being your hair. And I am not my hair. India.Arie had it right when she sang that song:

I have been researching ways to transition my hair to natural. Right now I am wearing a sew in weave in order to transition in. I am also going to try rocking braids and some curly do's. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to cut the relaxed ends off and that will be the day I am borne again as a woman. A natural one, napps, waves, curls, and all.

I will still straighten my hair. My current stylist specializes in natural hair and said that in its natural state, my wavy and fine hair would be easy to train and straighten with a flat iron without chemicals. Right now, being totally chemically free is my goal and I cannot wait to achieve it. It will give me so much flexibility to wear it curly, wavy, or straight and I will have so many more options when it comes to my hair.

If you have any suggestions on how I can transition my hair, please reply to this post. I would be most grateful and thankful. Taking this new journey is going to be long and I am sure I will have some stumbling blocks along the way. But this is a new phase, a new direction in which I would like to follow. I need to do this for myself.

Tagged & Awarded

I've been slipping lately on my blog. I was actually Tagged by my blog and Twitter pal Fungkeblakchik last Saturday and I am just getting around to posting and responding (charge it to my head and not my heart sis). While sitting here waiting on my plane to leave, I thought this would be as good of a time as any to return the favor to Fungkeblakchick and pass the award along to others who are well deserving. Time for me to pay it forward:

Five yummy things:

1. My smothered potatoes 

2. Giodorno's Pizza 

3. Grandma's liver and onions 

4. Filet mignon from Fleming's steakhouse 

5. Cobb or wedge salad with plenty o' bleu cheese dressing

Five songs I know by heart:

1. Paper Thin by MC Lyte

2. Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House 

3. Dear Mama Tupac

4. Rocket Man Elton John

5. I Need Love LL Cool J

Five places I would like to escape to (in no particular order):

1. Tokyo

 2. Maui 

3. London 

4. NYC 

5. Barbados

Five things I would never wear:

1. my hair blonde 

2. velvet 

3. gellies (shoes....why on earth did they make a comeback?) 

4. jogging pants 

5. CROCS

Five favorite TV shows (in no particular order):

1. Intervention 

2. American Idol 

3. Big Love 

4. Judge Mathis 

5. Anything on HGTV

Five things I enjoy doing (in no particular order):

1. Sleeping 

2. Shopping 

3. Writing 

4. Being a mommy to Codi and Laylah 

5. Thinking dirty thoughts

Five Favorite toys (in no particular order):

1. My Blackberry Curve 

2. My Chi iron 

3. My new digital camera (can't wait to start vlogging) 

4. Trixie, my laptop 

5. My truck

Five people who I am tagging to fill this out and who I’ll also pass on the “Helping Hands Award” and those who I would want to participate in ‘paying it foward’:

1.NightFall914- I don't quite remember how I fell into the world of Blue Bloggington (Myspace perhaps) but this brother's blog has become my latest addiction. Raw, funny, and nerdy, NightFall never ceases to amaze me or entertain me.

2.Miss Jia- Ooh, chile, if you want no nonsense then Miss Jia is the blog to read. Full on uncanny honesty, as well as a You Tube sensation, while visiting Miss Jia, you will never be bored.

3. Forever Lex- This is my homie from Twitter who has become like a e-sister to me. Lex's blog is bold, fearless, and raw as she exposes her innermost feelings with every post. Visit her and you will see what I mean.

4. Rasha- Gotta love Raheim Shabazz. He stays on the grind and holds his passion of writing to the highest regards. Visit his site and show him some love.

5. Jillian- This girl is a beautiful blogger who started a new blog this year entitled New Year, New Attitude 2009. Follow her as she speaks of the changes she is making in her life on a journey of self improvement. And tell her I sentcha. :)

The Rules:

1. Select 10 bloggers: 5 you consider your blogging Helping Hand then “Pay it Forward” by extending your “Helping Hand” to 5 additional bloggers in support and encouragement for their efforts. (I obviously didnt’ follow these directions, but decided to use the same 5)

2. In passing on the Emblem, each recipient must provide the name of blog or blog author with a link for others to visit.Each recipient must show the Emblem and put the name and link to the blog that has given it to her or him.

3. Link the Emblem to this post: Helping Hand: Much Obliged and Paying it Forward so that others will know it origin and impetus.

4. If you have not already done so, show your recipients some love by adding them to your blog roll, Technorati Favorite list, or in any other way to further let them know that their blog voice is important to you and being heard.

5. Add your name to The Helping Hand meme and don’t forget to leave a comment as a permanent record of all Helping Hand recipients.

6. Display the rules.

My First Post Of '09. Thank You To New & Old Followers & Readers.

So we finally made it. 2009 has begun and I just know that it is going to be a good year. Personally, 2008 was a watershed year for me but I am not one to continue a negative thought process, especially when a new beginning is upon us. As I blogged before in my previous post, I am looking forward to conquering a few goals and continuing to grow in many aspects including my blog and video blog and website. This blogging experience is still new for me, and I feel there is so much for me to share with the world.

To my followers and readers, I appreciate you for taking time out of your busy day to read my blog. When I first began blogging, I felt disenfranchised because I wasn't getting many comments or feedback. But what I have learned (through my stats) is my visitor count is growing daily and I have been getting a constant flow of repeat readers who are interested in what I have to say. My followers are the best! You guys always keep me on my toes and give me your ear when I am in need of an unbiased point of view. For that, I am eternally grateful and hope that I continue to entertain you and enlighten you with my reality blog. This project is not about comment count or even traffic, but more about me letting go of baggage that used to consume me everyday. I now have an outlet to release and fortunately, that outlet identifies with others.

So again, here's to '09. There is so much more for me to share, so much living to do, and so much to look forward to.

MUAH!

I Had To. Do It.

Last night was rough. I wasn't feeling well. But I was oh so horny. TINGLY. Warm and FUZZY. I tried to fight off the urge as much as I could. I even tried to put a pillow in between my legs as to control and mediate the pulses and sensations that were running amuck in that area. I squeezed my thighs together tighter thinking that with that one act, I would be able to curtail the persistent urge that radiated throughout my body and my inside.

It didn't work.

As sweat formed on my forehead in the unusually 70 degree December night heat, I opened my window and listened to the wind blow against the screen. I turned on my television and flipped to an Adult PPV. Picked the first one that looked interesting and bought it through the remote. An overwhelming since of guilt overcame me but I knew that I was at the point of no return.

My hand took a trip down south. My legs spread. And I submitted to the deed.

I have been fighting off the urge to masterbate for almost as long as I have been fighting the urge to have sex. But the intense feeling that I was experiencing would not let me go to bed without fulfilling my bodily urges. And need.

I do feel defeated and I do feel like I let myself down. I also must make sure that this sexual adventure that happened last night will not happen again anytime soon. I don't want to settle with pleasuring myself in order to get my rocks off. I don't want to fall into that all familiar pattern.

I slipped. But I am back on my feet again. We will see if I prevail tonight.

Just The Lonely. Talking. Again.

Is it possible for me to have the type of love that I have dreamt about and prayed about all of my life? Is it possible for me to be truly fulfilled by another man and have in my life a true soulmate that I can bond with until the end of my days?

I would like to know. Is my quest for a fruitful relationship with another man pointless and a waste of time? I know I am such a nerd. I know I am such an idealistic individual. I want what I see in the movies and read in romance novels. I know friends, close friends, who have that in their lives. I am just wondering if I will be able to experience that for myself as well. 

Just food for thought I guess. Because I can admit. I can front like I have it all. Or be truthful and admit that I am lonely.

That's My Mama

Saturday night will be one to remember. After working half a day, I ran a few errands and planned to relax for the evening. I was invited to yet another Christmas party but I really wasn't interested in going and there was no RSVP required so I didn't feel bad skipping out. But anyway, Mom calls me that afternoon and asks me if I wanted to go out for drinks and dinner. 

Not really. The temperature was dropping and it was getting windy. My toasty house was feeling so good but I relunctantly said yes because I knew she had been under a lot of stress personally and needed to get out the house and enjoy herself.

I was able to make last minute reservations at Magianno's at 9:15 and that gave me plenty of time to get some rest in before I had to pick up mom for dinner. Anyway, when we arrived at Magianno's we were early and our table was not ready so we sat at the bar and my mom ordered her usual Long Island ice tea and I had my usual amaretto sour.

Now let me digress a moment and tell you that my mother and I have quite a rocky past. If you read my blog post about an incident when I was 14, you would know that my mom wasn't the best mom on earth. No one would give her an award for her parenting. While growing up, my mom showed me love, but was also distant in some respects. She was high a lot which I am sure clouded her judgement. She even lost me, according to my dad, when I was 2 years old and he found me walking down a major street by myself. No, I cannot make this up!

The last five years have been a time of healing for my mom and I. In 2000, I moved to St. Louis from Florida and in 2005 after my mom went through Hurricane Rita (the follow-up after Hurricane Katrina) I went to get her from West Palm Beach and move her here. During the car trip from Florida to St. Louis, we healed many wounds. I forgave her for being a less than stellar parent. My mom was 18 when she was married and 19 when she had me. She went straight from her mother's house to living in a home with my dad and didn't understand about taking care of a home or a child. She tried many times, and I think she regretted settling down and having a kid so young. She took that out on me I think. But I no longer blame her. What's done is done and I have moved on from that former pain.

So anyway, back to present day. We are at the bar at Magiannos and she is the life of the party at the bar. Cracking jokes, talking in her patented New York accent that she always does to impress the masses. My mom is a ham and she really puts it on when she has been drinking. She kept saying this is my daughter, introducing me to everyone like I was a star of some sort. She is so cute with her mini-adoration of me. Some even commented that they thought we were sisters and not mother and daughter. But we are used to it because we get it a lot.

We were placed at a nice table in the center of the restaurant and we had a fabulous time. But, my mom was kicking back the teas like it was no one's business and pretty soon, it was apparent that she was drunk. I told her that she didn't need anymore to drink. She agreed.

My mom says she needs to go to the bathroom and before I can volunteer to help her to the bathroom, she fell while walking away from the table. Such a lush! Everyone in that area of the restuarant was gawking at us and I just smiled and kept it moving and helped her to the bathroom. Mama is not a young woman anymore and now has problems holding her liquor.

I love that woman. I do. You only get one and the one mom and I have may not be the best but she is mine. I am sure soon there will be another falling out (we tend to have our little tiffs every now and then) but we always break-up to make up. Can anyone else out there relate?

Cocaine. Binges. Pack-up. Move.

I have been having the same dream ever since I was 14 years old. I run into the street covered in blood screaming for someone to help me. I yell at the top of my lungs as loud as I can pleading for someone to hear me and they never do. I can hear the quiet of the night, the dogs in the neighborhood barking, the crickets chirping, the wind whistling in the late night Arizona skies. I look behind me and I can feel his presence and before I know it, he slams me to the ground and gets on top of me. Before I am able to move, he covers my mouth and I feel the harshness of suffocation.

I usually awake from the nightmare at this point screaming out loud and in a cold sweat. I never really get to the point where he kills me; I don't think the channels in my mind or my thought process would allow it. In my mind I am a fighter, I am chosen to live. And therefore, in this instance, my life cannot be taken away from me.

This dream stems from a real-life event that happened in February of 1990. My mother and I were staying in an apartment home in Phoenix, Arizona while my father was working in Memphis, Tennessee on a contract. We had been separated for several months and due to this, my mother (and I later found out my father) were having affairs and living separate lives. I of course was immersed in my life of being a Freshman and wasn't really paying attention to the obvious decline of my parent's marriage.

Anyway, on this young February night, my mother had a guest over. I don't remember his name but he was this smooth looking chocolate colored cat from the other side of town. Anyway, my mother was in the living room entertaining this dude and I was in my bedroom trying to block it out, doing what 14 year old girls do at that time, like talking on the phone, watching videos and reading magazines. Doing my nails. All of that shit. I don't think I paid much attention to my mom's guest. I wasn't stupid. I knew her game. But I wanted her to be happy so I played along knowing if my dad knew about this set-up, he would be more than 38-hot.

I remember going to bed around 11 that night. I was all geeked up about this Valentine's Day dance that was coming up at high school. This smooth dude asked me to go to the dance and I was all happy and stuff, plotting in my mind what I would wear and how I was going to do my hair. All of that young puppy love type ish.

I remember hearing this blood curdling scream and it awoke me from my peaceful slumber. It was something out of the movie Psycho, only it wasn't a flick. It was my mom's voice. I jumped up out of my bed and ran to the living room and all I could see in the darkness with the moonlight streaming through the window was blood on the wall and my mother laying on the floor. The dude looked at me and then ran out the door leaving it wide open. I got enough courage to go and close the door and lock it and then tended to my mother who was holding her right eye. He had punched her with so much force in her eye that it was nearly hanging out the socket.

I called 911. Then called my mom's best friend Tanya because I didn't know what to do. My mom was crying and in so much pain. She couldn't even talk. I remember getting a towel for her to hold her eye and soak the blood. I was scared but I wasn't crying. I was like a robot, a programmed soldier. The police came in like 10 minutes and my mom's best friend came in right behind them. They took a report and my mother was sent off to Thunderbird Hospital in Glendale.

I stayed with Tanya at the apartment, and the next day, a plain clothes policeman followed me and watched me while I stood at the bus stop, just in case this idiot of a man tried to come back and do something to me. My mom was in the hospital for a week and they performed two surgeries on her eye. My father was told about the incident and immediately flew to Arizona where I was told he was looking for ole boy, although I never saw him when he came. The whole thing was a blur.

Then I was told we had to move. Out of state. Back to Memphis where my dad was. And if you know anything about me or have read my blogs before, this was a pattern that still affects me to this day.

I was so strong that day for my mom and I. I felt like that was when the roles reversed. It was like from that day forward, I became the mom and she became the daughter. And at 14, that was a lot of pressure. I hated leaving my friends. My school. The constant day-to-day of life. But I knew that in order for my parents marriage to work, we needed to all be together in one house under one roof. I had to give up my peace to save my family.

This whole thing happened because my mom and this guy were on a cocaine binge. My mother always smoked pot and had recently got into "harder" stuff like blow and speed. I think old boy may have been doing crack while in the apartment. And I don't know if he clicked or what but he hit my moms, almost destroying her face, and he was never caught. My mom and I haven't talked about this incident since it happened, and this is the first time I have really talked about it in depth.

But every once in awhile, I have that dream and I am face-to-face with him and he kills me. But in real life I got away. And in real life, I am a true survivor.

Your Ego (A Rant)

This ego thing is out of control. It is causing a particular person in my life to play games, water down, dumb down, his feelings. This person isn't a liar by any means BUT if he doesn't tell me how he really feels, isn't that the same as lying? He is a man and I am a woman and you would think that would be enough for the both of us to keep it 100 at all times but it seems that it is not.

Ego's getting in the way and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

We met sometime ago. So this isn't something new. This isn't a new path or a new journey or a new anything. It was before but it's not now. Now is the time when we sit down and talk and determine which direction we are to go. Now he can sit there and act like he doesn't have any feelings for me or we are just friends or homies or buddies or pen pals but the fact of the matter is pretending is for children. I long for the opportunity to share my world with him. I don't want to be his woman but I could. I don't want to be serious but I could. I don't have to have these things but, yes, it would be nice.

Ego's getting in the way.

There are things that have been spoken between us, and yet there are things that haven't. The unsaid is more powerful. There is a connection, an inate force the brought us together but I am willing to bet that same force can tear us apart. I want to be done but I also want to give Mr. Ego one last chance to see if he can hop off of his high horse and show me some love. Anything. A sign. Wave a banner. Send an e-mail. A text. Write it in the sky.

There are more questions than answers, but hell, I am tired of making the first move. I've chased pavements a little too long. Maybe I've run out of concrete. And maybe you've changed. Adieu.