Late Nite. Early Morning. Blog. About Porn.

I am a only child, the product of a two income family household so that meant that at an early age, I was responsible for staying home by myself. I became a latchkey kid when I was about seven years old and I was not allowed to leave the house until my parents got home from work, which was usually around five in the evening. When I was in elementary school we got out at 3 and then I would walk home which usually took about 15 minutes, so theoretically I was by myself for an hour and a half or so give or take.

It was the mid-80s during that time and we had a Beta VCR. I remember being bored and going through my parents closet looking at my dad's Playboy magazines. I was thouroughly intrigued by the women in the magazine; their breasts, they bodies, their prefectly shaved private areas. I would spend the afternoon looking at the pictures in wonderment observing and taking notes. It was also at this time that I discovered that my parents had a huge porn collection of video tapes and since I had nothing else to do, I started watching them.

These tapes turned me on. I  look back at this to try to understand at how at such a young age I was so sexual, but I think it was because I was being stimulated so early with visualizations of sex. After looking at the dirty mags and videos for awhile, I began masterbating and stimulating myself and it became a habit. It was something I did almost every afternoon when I was home alone.

This habit became an obsession.

I started masterbating a lot as a child. Not even knowing the full ramifications or even full understanding of sex or my blossoming body. I got my period when I was 11. Got my first bra when I was 9. I had all of this sexual energy running through my body, yet I wasn't even told the birds and bees at that point.

I lost my virginity when I was 15. I remember being so disappointed after having sex with a boy the first time because I didn't experience an orgasm. I knew how to make myself climax and surely thought that having actual sex would give me the same feeling and it didn't.

I was in my middle twenties before I actually had an orgasm while having sex.

Playing with myself at such a young age stunted my growth sexually. The only way for so many years that I could have an orgasm was by playing with myself. And that came from years and years of practicing self stimulation, something that I had been doing since I was 8 years old.

I still have issues with porn. I haven't had sex in a long time, and there are some nights when I am on PornHub watching. It always ends up with me masterbating. I don't think I am addicted per se to porn, but it is easy for me to get drawn in to those images and visualizations, especially since I haven't had sex in some time.

This is something that I have been fighting for awhile.

It's late, I can't sleep. And I am trying not to go onto the net into that world again. I have been doing so well staying away from it. Sometimes I feel like that 8 year old, being guided into a world that she doesn't understand. Only this time, I do understand its effects. And that is what scares me.