Oh Freaking Boy! (An Open Letter)

We hadn't talked in a minute. The connection we had back in the thick of things had wavered. And yet today, when I talked to you, despite our hiatus, despite the busy schedules that we both maintain and trips recently taken, we fell back into the groove. Yes, it was awkward at first because it had been awhile. But when you are used to talking to someone as much as we talked, the communication comes naturally.

I missed your friendship. You didn't go anywhere. Neither did I. And yet, there was always something indeed missing. At least on my end.

You still intrigue me. You are still that dope being that has effortless cool on the phone and even more so in person. I am drawn to you because you are a unique individual with confidence that puts other men to shame. You are indeed an alpha male. I've always been attracted to that.

Yes there is someone else in my life. We discussed it. Me and ole boy aren't serious, although we are this close to becoming as physical as two can be. You don't want a relationship (with me). I mean, how could we even have one with YOU there and ME here? We have both moved on although we never stopped  moving on. But I still have feelings for you. I won't front. My heart was open to you at one point and I was not in the business of being hurt. So I did close the door. But above all else, your friendship is most important to me.

You made me smile today because you said that we were not platonic. All this talk of friendship that you have expressed during these six months and you let me know that you see me as other than JUST a friend. And that does mean something. No matter what the future holds.

I always want to be in your life no matter what. And I always want us to share that connection. I will always be your flower girl. Ride or die.

MUAH

Update- 30 Day No Soda Challenge & Other Items

Can you believe it has been almost a month since I began my 30 Day No Soda Challenge? I began the challenge not only as a New Year's Resolution, but as a goal to live my life healthier in '09. I found myself drinking at least a six pack or so more of soda each day, and with diabetes being a problem in my family for so many years, I knew I had to stop the addiction. So on Monday, January 5, 2009, I started my 30 Day No Soda Challenge.

There have been many times that I slipped and fell off the wagon. But what kept me on the straight and narrow (besides prayer) is knowing that I would be so defeated if I drank a soda because I would have to blog about it and let you all know that I lost the good fight. That is one blog I don't want to have to write, especially since a few of my Twitter folks are also riding with me on the Challenge.

I have lost 11 pounds since I began. I wasn't doing this Challenge to lose weight, but this is a great side effect and I needed to lose bout 15 pounds anyway. I feel like I have more energy each day and I don't feel as bloated. I still get headaches every now and then but they don't last as long as they used to, and my body is getting used to not having as much caffeine. I drink about 15 glasses of water daily along with a few servings of juice (either cranberry or apple) and I also drink sweet tea, which is my latest addiction.

Someone on Twitter recognized that sweet tea can be just as bad as soda and pointed that out to me, so I began weaning myself off of that this week. I plan to be completely sweet tea free by the middle of next month as well. I am trying not to start too many Challenges at one time in order to keep balance and control in my life. I don't want to be overloaded with too many goals.

This Challenge will last beyond 30 Days. I would like to stay soda free (with the exception of a can or two here or there once or twice a month) for the rest of the year. I also want to begin a rigorous exercise challenge of Cardio and Yoga in February. My homie Forever Lex and I along with the USUAL SUSPECTS are planning a TweetUp in Miami in May and I so want to look flawless in a  two-piece. Dade County will never be the same. 

This Challenge this is slowly morphing into a lifestyle change and a way of life for me. Thanks to everyone who has continued to show me support through this No Soda Thing. I am ever so grateful. More than you know. :P

The Hilton.

We both knew why you called me. And we both knew that when I arrived at Room 742 that it was going to be about business. Business that only you and I would be able to handle. As of last year, it was unfinished. I replayed the interrupted scenario over and over in my head many times and tonight, I would finally be able to see it play out in its entirety.

You answered the door with that smile that you always had. Crooked. Showing just a few of your exceptionally beautifully white teeth made for a Colgate commercial. You were dressed comfortably in a white T-shirt and basketball shorts. Lounging in the room watching the play-offs. Waiting for my arrival since you touched down in the Lou five hours previously. My heart pounding, I gave you a playful hug and walked into your room and allowed the door to close behind me. There were double beds. I smiled to myself. Okay. This is going to be interesting.

I sat down on the bed and crossed my legs with my coat on. You told me to stand up because you wanted to get a good view of me. I felt your eyes on me seeming to pierce through the epidermis of my skin. It was like you could read my every thought and movement before I moved or thought. You told me to take off my coat and I did as I was told. I was wearing a black blouse belted at the waist and a pair of black leggings and heels. You licked your lips and I knew what you were thinking.

You gave me them fuck me eyes. I reciprocated.

Hands around my waist, you pulled me close. Stuck your tongue down my throat hard and fast and I was frustrated because I was used to being in control and you were taking that away from me. My hair was in a ponytail and you pulled my head back so your tongue could penetrate me deeper. Then you stopped suddenly and I opened my eyes to see you smiling at me.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Last year, you and I were at this same place. Different room. But during that time, we were interrupted by feelings that seemed to overwhelm us. And vibrating phones and secret phone calls brought about our hiatus. Jealously. Envy. But tonight, it was going down. We didn't care about the past.

You slowly unbuttoned my blouse and we both watched as it fell to the ground. My strapless bra was next to be removed. You marvelled at the 38 D's that were in front of you and cupped. Kissed my nipples and watched as they hardened in slow motion. You slid off my pants and you smiled because you saw that I still didn't wear any panties. Your hands were on my ass and then my back and then my neck as you kissed  me again.

I took off your t-shirt. Your chest still sported muscles. No hair. Shit was sexy. I played around with the elastic on your b-ball shorts, putting the tip of my nail around the drawstring and pulling on it teasingly. You took my hand and put it on your hardened pole.

It was time to begin.

We started with me on my back, my legs over your shoulders. I could feel all of you when it was like this. You showed no mercy and I didn't want any either. We had a lot of time to make up for and with each thrust inside of me, you were punishing me for the time we were apart. I didn't want to moan, didn't want you to know you had me feeling all good but I couldn't help myself. You withdrew and watched as my mouth begged for you to continue. Your chest was sweaty. You looked high but it was my chocha was now your drug. 

We hit a rush.

You turned me on my back and infiltrated me from behind, moving slow and deep as I purred and cooed at your prowess in the bedroom. It was magnetic heat that was being transferred in between the both of us and we were both spellbound at the action taking place. Unable to get the proper leverage you needed, you had me get on my knees and you entered me hard once again, moving in as I arched my back and backed up into your rhythm. You began to move faster and I didn't want it to end but I could tell you were getting ready to explode because I was too.

I got on my knees and pleasured you orally. This, above all else, was what kept you coming back for more after all of this time.

You dreamt about it. You plotted and planned. And now it was happening in this room.

I started off slowly and then with each movement, I took more of you inside of me.

Before you could say my name, I stopped. Looked up at you like I used to do with my doe eyes and allowed you to spill your liquid all on my breasts.

Round two would commence shortly. After a small breather.

I Am Not My Hair

This particular blog entry is difficult for me to write because I have so many hang-ups and whatnot when it comes to my hair. Since I could remember, I have had issues with my hair and just recently, I decided to just let it go and do what I feel is best for my overall well being when it comes to my strands. Here is my story:

As a child, I was told I had good hair. Whatever that means. It was a nice length, fine, and wavy. My mother usually put my hair in braids or ponytails and I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down until I was like 13. Yes, I am serious. At that age, I began going to get my hair done at the salon and I would get it pressed. My mother would not allow me to get a perm for fear it would mess up my "good" hair. When I was 15, my mother finally relented and I got a relaxer and there began my love/hate relationships with chemical straighteners.

When I was 16, with the popularity of Toni Braxton and Halle Berry and Anita Baker tapered short cuts and styles, I chopped all of my hair off to conform. At first, I loved it but then I realized that keeping the style meant I had to get my hair done every week and I had to get it cut quite often. Bored with the style after 6 months or so, I let my beautician put in a sew in weave. I loved the instant length it afforded and I began wearing a weave pretty much all of the time.

Now anyone who remembers the early nineties remember that weaves were somewhat controversial. Now weaves are considered very mainstream and as a fashion accessory but back then, it was a travesty if people knew you had a weave. I moved around a lot and when I started my Junior and Senior year at high school, everyone saw me with the long hair and thought it was mine. I began living the lie of having long hair when I really didn't and this created tension because I didn't feel comfortable wear my own hair.

Wearing a weave became a crutch that I would have pretty much throughout my adult life. I wouldn't allow my own hair to breathe because I felt I needed to keep up the persona of having long hair. My beautician was so good at putting in the weave that no one was the wiser believe it or not and there were few people that knew I wasn't wearing my own hair.

This all came to a head when I got into a fight at school. The first thing the girl did was pull on my hair as girls often do when fighting and the weave track came out of the top of my head. She was carrying it in her hand and the crowd watching it was shocked to see that it was a weave. It was hard for me to show my face the next day at school but my mom and dad made me go to school. (I lost the fight by the way).

After that tragic incident at school, I started wearing my own hair. And that lasted for awhile. By then it had grown to a nice length but was very damaged after relaxing it myself when I took out the weave. So I began to experiment with pieces. Falls and ponytails and things like that to cover up the unhealthiness of the hair. I began college with braids and wore them during the mid to late 90's.

During the pregnancy of my son, my hair grew very long and strong but I had another brush with scissors and cut it all off again into a short bob that was the rage then. Of course I got bored with the length and I began wearing full headed weaves again.

It was a vicious cycle that I perpetrated.

Fast forward to now and I am still wearing weaves. But I don't wear them all the time. I give my hair a resting period and wear my own hair from time-to-time. I have had a relaxer constantly for too many years and decided in October, after having a heat-to-heart with my stylist to go natural.

There is nothing wrong with straight hair. Or chemically relaxing your hair. Or wearing weaves. But I think that the combination of all of the those things is displaying to others that I can only be beautiful with these "crutches" and that is not true. For starters, my beauty doesn't come from my outside but from my inside. Number two, the hair in a relaxed state and bought in a store is not truly mine. I am not being myself if I cannot wear my hair in its natural state.

I love looking at sisters who are rocking twists or locks, or an Afro, or curls or whatever hair style they chose that is natural. It's a statement. It's funky. And it's being true to oneself. Not that wearing a weave or having relaxers mean you can't be true, but using it for a crutch, which was my experience, it can seem like you are being your hair. And I am not my hair. India.Arie had it right when she sang that song:

I have been researching ways to transition my hair to natural. Right now I am wearing a sew in weave in order to transition in. I am also going to try rocking braids and some curly do's. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to cut the relaxed ends off and that will be the day I am borne again as a woman. A natural one, napps, waves, curls, and all.

I will still straighten my hair. My current stylist specializes in natural hair and said that in its natural state, my wavy and fine hair would be easy to train and straighten with a flat iron without chemicals. Right now, being totally chemically free is my goal and I cannot wait to achieve it. It will give me so much flexibility to wear it curly, wavy, or straight and I will have so many more options when it comes to my hair.

If you have any suggestions on how I can transition my hair, please reply to this post. I would be most grateful and thankful. Taking this new journey is going to be long and I am sure I will have some stumbling blocks along the way. But this is a new phase, a new direction in which I would like to follow. I need to do this for myself.

Um, I'm Milking.

Okay. A strange phenomenon just occurred within my body. I was sitting here responding to work emails when I felt something wet and warm on my bra. I looked down at the blouse I am wearing and viola! There was a wet stain near my left nipple. WTF?

I rushed to the bathroom and unbuttoned my blouse and noticed a substance coming out of my nipple. MILK.

Now I've watched enough porn to know what milking is. The thing is, this never happened after the birth of my son and daughter who are 14 and 4.

I am not even pregnant. Just had my monthly visitor. Why is milk coming out of my left titay? OMG. I need to look this up on Web MD.

Confidence Is Dope. Bragging? Not So Much

I simply adore my confident brothers and sisters out there, let me put that on front street. Media will perpetuate that within the Black urban community, those that are doing well for themselves are rappers or basketball players, or dope boys, or less than stellar individuals who hustle their way through life on the not so up-and-up. But there are also those of us who are out there on the daily living professional lives in our fields grinding it out and making a good living while doing so. We are living the good life because we work hard and devote so much of our days to our prospective occupations and endeavors and for that, we indulge.

But this blog post is not in reference to those individuals. The individuals whom I'd like to discuss are those out there with "new money" and they have to floss what they have in order to get attention. Let me break down what I mean so you can understand the essence.

I have a good friend. He's a guy. This past weekend before I left, we hung out. We ate at a fine dining restaurant here in the Lou called Brio and afterwards we went to see one of his boys perform at a club in the Loop. 

He kept saying during the meal that this place was so this and so that. And yes it was. It went without saying. Brio was nothing new to me, I had been there several times. But the way he talked, it was like wanted me to be impressed that he chose such a nice dining establishment. NOPE! LOL.

During the whole entire meal, he went on and on about his new E Class Benz that he purchased a few weeks ago. Now, I for one, congratulated him on his purchase when he sent me a picture mail on my phone of him standing next to it. But during dinner he talked about his new Benz, and his new loft downtown, and the fact that he was going to Aruba in February and this and that. I refer to this as new money because when people that have had money for awhile don't have to throw it out there that they have money. Those who haven't had it that long seem to be more braggadocious about it. He and I used to have deep conversations about hella stuff and the dinner seemed to be filled with his latest and greatest purchases.

No I am not jealous. Again, I applaud homeboy for being able to afford the things that he wants. I love that he has flow like that. But I am no bump on a log myself. I don't have a Benz, but I do very well thank you. Plus, would rather be measured by my character, not by the money that is in my bank account.

I told him that.

His reply to me is that he is a good catch because all the ladies see him on a come-up and now he has to beware of gold diggers. And I am almost certain that that is a true statement. But speaking about your have's most certainly will attract the gold digger type of chick, don't you think? I told him to marinate on that and he simply laughed.

The money has gone to his head.

I also sensed that his bragging and continuous talk of money really displayed the fact that he was insecure. He would rather discuss his latest vacation and 5 Star hotel visit than talk about himself, the man, as if his worthiness depended on his platinum Amex. SMH. This was a person that I so loved hanging out with and kicking it with and now there is mostly silence between us because it's all about him.

What he displayed that evening wasn't confidence at all. A confident person can have all of the swag (yes I said we need to bury the word swag but let me use it just this once) and have not a penny to his name because his worth is not measured by his money, but he himself. That is the type of brother I am attracted to, not some chocolate Ritchie Rich who is really a scared little boy on the inside.

We were such good friends. I don't know what is going to happen to us now because I can't put up with the whole bling bling conversations. I'd rather just hang onto my memories.

A Day I Will Never Forget

Despite the fact that there were a few flubs in that swearing 

in ceremony, I must say it was a perfect day! 

No one could steal my (or anyone else's) joy that Obama was

now our 44th President of the United States.

Despite detractors who said that the swearing is was not official due 

to a few errors, the Consitution states that the President Elect

becomes President at exactly 12 noon on January 20th. 

And just to quiet the hush, Obama was sworn in again yesterday

evening.

HISTORY!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: A Dream Realized

If Martin Luther King, Jr. would have been alive today, he would've turned eighty years old last Thursday. The man who gave perhaps one of the most famous speeches in history, was just 33 years old, the same age as I am currently, when he delivered the I Have A Dream speech in August 1963.

Today is not only a day to celebrate his legacy and life, but also remember his dream and how is has somewhat come to a realization today as we embark on the Inuguration of the 44th President of these United States, the first African American President, Barack H. Obama. 

Oh, how proud he is of us today. The Dream still lives on....

Tagged & Awarded

I've been slipping lately on my blog. I was actually Tagged by my blog and Twitter pal Fungkeblakchik last Saturday and I am just getting around to posting and responding (charge it to my head and not my heart sis). While sitting here waiting on my plane to leave, I thought this would be as good of a time as any to return the favor to Fungkeblakchick and pass the award along to others who are well deserving. Time for me to pay it forward:

Five yummy things:

1. My smothered potatoes 

2. Giodorno's Pizza 

3. Grandma's liver and onions 

4. Filet mignon from Fleming's steakhouse 

5. Cobb or wedge salad with plenty o' bleu cheese dressing

Five songs I know by heart:

1. Paper Thin by MC Lyte

2. Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House 

3. Dear Mama Tupac

4. Rocket Man Elton John

5. I Need Love LL Cool J

Five places I would like to escape to (in no particular order):

1. Tokyo

 2. Maui 

3. London 

4. NYC 

5. Barbados

Five things I would never wear:

1. my hair blonde 

2. velvet 

3. gellies (shoes....why on earth did they make a comeback?) 

4. jogging pants 

5. CROCS

Five favorite TV shows (in no particular order):

1. Intervention 

2. American Idol 

3. Big Love 

4. Judge Mathis 

5. Anything on HGTV

Five things I enjoy doing (in no particular order):

1. Sleeping 

2. Shopping 

3. Writing 

4. Being a mommy to Codi and Laylah 

5. Thinking dirty thoughts

Five Favorite toys (in no particular order):

1. My Blackberry Curve 

2. My Chi iron 

3. My new digital camera (can't wait to start vlogging) 

4. Trixie, my laptop 

5. My truck

Five people who I am tagging to fill this out and who I’ll also pass on the “Helping Hands Award” and those who I would want to participate in ‘paying it foward’:

1.NightFall914- I don't quite remember how I fell into the world of Blue Bloggington (Myspace perhaps) but this brother's blog has become my latest addiction. Raw, funny, and nerdy, NightFall never ceases to amaze me or entertain me.

2.Miss Jia- Ooh, chile, if you want no nonsense then Miss Jia is the blog to read. Full on uncanny honesty, as well as a You Tube sensation, while visiting Miss Jia, you will never be bored.

3. Forever Lex- This is my homie from Twitter who has become like a e-sister to me. Lex's blog is bold, fearless, and raw as she exposes her innermost feelings with every post. Visit her and you will see what I mean.

4. Rasha- Gotta love Raheim Shabazz. He stays on the grind and holds his passion of writing to the highest regards. Visit his site and show him some love.

5. Jillian- This girl is a beautiful blogger who started a new blog this year entitled New Year, New Attitude 2009. Follow her as she speaks of the changes she is making in her life on a journey of self improvement. And tell her I sentcha. :)

The Rules:

1. Select 10 bloggers: 5 you consider your blogging Helping Hand then “Pay it Forward” by extending your “Helping Hand” to 5 additional bloggers in support and encouragement for their efforts. (I obviously didnt’ follow these directions, but decided to use the same 5)

2. In passing on the Emblem, each recipient must provide the name of blog or blog author with a link for others to visit.Each recipient must show the Emblem and put the name and link to the blog that has given it to her or him.

3. Link the Emblem to this post: Helping Hand: Much Obliged and Paying it Forward so that others will know it origin and impetus.

4. If you have not already done so, show your recipients some love by adding them to your blog roll, Technorati Favorite list, or in any other way to further let them know that their blog voice is important to you and being heard.

5. Add your name to The Helping Hand meme and don’t forget to leave a comment as a permanent record of all Helping Hand recipients.

6. Display the rules.

Internet FAKERS.

This is a topic that must be discussed. Period and point blank. 

Let me start this latest blog entry off by saying I am not new to the Internets. Blogging maybe. But I have been on the Internet since 1995, when I got my first computer (A Gateway2000 'memba them?) and subscribed to American Online (before it was shortened to AOL). Back in them days, the scenery was very organic. Very real. There were, of course, people who played headgames even back then. But it was as real as it could be in cyberspace. It was a way to communicate and learn information and meet new people in other parts of the country and world. It was FUN!

Then social networking sites began to hit the Internet and thus started to take their toll on the fun-ness of logging on. People began to be preoccupied about their appearance more so than substance. "Let me post the best picture, even though it may be ten years ago when I was fifty pounds lighter, or better yet, let me just steal someone else's pics. Let me create a personality, another virtual me, that is nothing like me. Let me invent an identity. A resume. I graduated from Stanford and have a PhD in Biochemical Warfare. I have seven cars for every day of the week and I travel every week to a new place and I am invited to all of these parties and premieres and such. I am so fabulous, yo!"

Why can't people just be themselves? Be proud of their occupation or lack thereof, whatever it is. Why do we feel the need to impress? I am noticing, especially on TWITTER, that everyone seems to be a publicist, a model, a manager, a record exec, a something. There are only a handful of folks such as myself that aren't in the "industry". Knowing what little that I do know about the entertainment business, I find this hard to believe because it is a very close-knit and small group of folks in the urban realm. Don't get me wrong, I am not calling each and every person I've met online a liar because I do know there are those of you who are grinding it out and doing their thing and are quite successful at doing it too. And I love it. I love seeing folks on the come-up. But for those who feel that they have to create a false lifestyle in order to feel elite is suspect to me.

And then there are those individuals who are not necessary lying about their occupations or lifestyles but create a SASHA FIERCE character to coincide with their real life. For instance, in real life they are quiet, reserved, introverted. But online they become boisterous, obnoxious, loud, bold. Come on now. I am seeing people with statuses like "I am going to whip on this 'hoe' or "I am at ole boys house and he and I are getting ready to get busy" when in actuality they are sitting on their couch watching Maury Povich and can't get crunk in real life to save themselves from an uncertain death.

You don't have to lie to kick it.

Be you. Flaws and all. I think those that keep it real are the most fabulous.

I Am. Divorced.

Many of you know that I am divorced. What many people do not know is the circumstances behind the split. Here are the details:

I met my ex husband in 1998. Online. We were both in a Yahoo chat room (remember those?) and he mentioned that he was from St. Louis. I was living in Florida and I sent a private message letting him know that I was from St. Louis originally. We exchanged emails, struck up a friendship and which grew over time.

Fast forward to the year 2000. I had been struggling in Florida and thinking about just giving up and moving somewhere else. I had already tried to move to Atlanta and failed before I was even unable to move. I knew I had to do something because Florida was becoming a place that I hated to live. It was during this time that my ex husband was breaking up with his woman. Our emails became more frequent and I told him of my troubles and he invited me to come to St. Louis to visit him. Purchased a ticket for me and had it waiting at the ticket counter.

I thought why not? Most of my family lived in St. Louis so I would have a place to stay. He sent me a ticket and I came to visit on August 12, 2000. I stayed.

Fast forward. We got serious rather quickly. Fell in love. He was brilliant, funny, warm, open, honest, and handsome. He was the prototype and we had so much in common. We were both only children. Our families got along. He was my best friend. A match made in heaven.

We got married.

We had a daughter.

He became another father to my son.

But marrying your best friend is hard. People think this would be the ideal marriage but it wasn't. We were always looking for something. Everything was too familiar. Too perfect. Too cookie cutter. Just going through life daily and not experiencing excitement began to take a toll on our marriage.

Then he cheated.

Then I did.

Then it was just the two of us trying to hurt one another over and over again. We tried to work it out but we couldn't overcome the past. There was too much damage done. I couldn't forget his discretion and he couldn't forget mine.

We separated in January if last year and the divorce was final in October.

There are times that I feel I will ever get married again but I know that probably isn't the case. I do know that when and if I get married again, it won't be to my best friend. I know this sounds ridiculous but when you are too much like someone else, and you have that best friend thing that turns into a marriage, it oftentimes comes to bite you in the ass. I am thankful to my ex-husband. He is a great father to the both of my children. He takes care of business. And we still remain close.

Our marriage was not a mistake.

We just weren't ready. I know that now.