Make Blog Not War

New Blog Redesign Is Complete!

2009-03-08T22:50:00.003-05:00

Hi guys! My new blog redesign has been completed and is now up and functioning. As you may have read earlier, I am now using WordPress for Make Blog Not War and will no longer be using Blogger. To see the new website, please visit http://www.blognotwar.com

I will no longer be updating this particular page. I hope to see you on the other side!

Checking Myself (Because Someone Has To)

2009-03-04T13:37:00.005-06:00

I am so stoked about my new blog design, but I will blog about that later. While on IM earlier speaking with the gentleman that is redesigning my fabulous blog, I was going through my posts to see what I wanted to transfer to the new site, and I came across this blog entitled 2008. Yeah. that I wrote on Monday, December 29, 2008. In the blog, I listed the things I was hoping to accomplish this year. To read the complete entry, you can click the link above, but here is a list of the goals for 2009 that I set forth on that day:

*Get my non-profit off the ground and invest in my own business endeavor
*Get in shape. Work out on a regular basis. I have fallen off the last few months
*Establish better eating habits. Less dining out and cut out the sodas (oh how I love 'em)
*Finalize the revisions and edits of my novel and get it published this year, by May 1st
*Less television. More ME time
*Work on my son's website and help him establish his acting career
*Be more frugal when it comes to spending but not lose the spontaneity
*Continue to cultivate my blog and launch my personal website and vlog.
*Finally go to NEW YORK CITY!

Now of course this is only March 4th but I have noticed that I am slipping in most of these areas. I haven't worked on my non-profit paperwork or spoke with my planned Board since January. I've stopped drinking soda completely (yay) but I still do not have the best eating habits and I still eat out way too much (which is why I have been making a valiant effort since beginning my new Challenge). My novel still isn't completely edited and I have pushed the publishing date back AGAIN. I have the television on constantly AND my spending hasn't been curtailed. As far as my goal for my blog, I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I could be, even though I have plans to do more after my blog is redesigned. And I haven't even taped my first video blog (or vlog) and that was something that I was really looking forward to doing. I've went online and shopped airfares for NYC but still haven't purchased my ticket OR settled on a date to go.

There's not one thing that I have been consistent with on that list, well, with the exception of not drinking soda which I have done. It's kind of depressing when I think about it because the words staring back at me are ones that I wrote, goals that I have developed for myself and I have faltered. Took my eye off of the ball one too many times and here it is, heading into the 2nd quarter of the year and I am still seeking goals and not achieving them.

I've got to get my act together. NOW.

I never wanted to be the type of person who talked a lot of game, but in the end, was unable to back it up. I've known people like that and it's not a good thing to witness, especially when you see one's potential and they are too lazy to do anything with it. Laziness is not an option for me, I have too many things that I want to get done and I have to count on ME to get them done.

I consider this entry a reality check, one that needed to be done now and not six months from now. I will play my position. I will complete the goals that I have given myself, and I will NOT be lazy. If I can't check myself, who will?

I am accountable for my actions. And the buck stops here and the work begins. Try hard or end hard.

FIN.

Day 1- Healthy Eating & Living Challenge

2009-03-02T20:55:00.006-06:00

Many of you are aware that in January, I began a 30-day No Soda Challenge which I successfully completed and as of today's date, still haven't indulged in a full soda (although last week I had a sip of someones Coke). Now that I have lost a few pounds and feel the difference that living soda-free has made in my life, I have decided to also challenge myself with eating more healthy in order to get in shape and lose some more weight. My goal is to lose 15 to 20 lbs, which would make me picture perfect for a nice two-piece which I plan to wear during my trip to Miami with ForeverLex.

My goals are simple: NO FAST FOOD. No sodas. Work out at least three times a week. Cook a healthy meal at home at least five nights a week and stay away from take-out. I would like to stay under 1800 cals a day.

Here is the data on Day 1 of the Healthy Eating & Living Challenge:

Breakfast- a bowl of Rice Chex cereal with two percent milk (150 cals)

Lunch- nothing

Snack- two pieces of sharp cheddar cheese (180 cals)

Snack- 1 cup of orange juice (125 cals)

Dinner- Hungarian Skillet Stew with egg noodles (400 cals)

Snack- 1 cup of Silk chocolate milk (140 cals)

= 995 cals.

My Daddy, My Hero. My Life.

2009-03-02T10:05:00.003-06:00

Early on during my beginning existence, my father and mother married. Mom got knocked up by my dad, whom she had been dating for two years, and they decided to get married when she was about two months along. That would be the best decision my mother ever made.

My father is and was a champion. Growing up, my parent's marriage was mostly in discord, but my dad was as good as gold. Being an only child, I was doted on and spoiled and played the Daddy's Little Girl role perfectly, but that is not why I consider my dad a good father. I consider my dad a wonderful dad because he stayed around while most dad's didn't. My mother was 19 and my dad was 21 when they had me, the two of them were relatively young and inexperienced in the ways of the world BUT he did what he was supposed to do, what some fathers don't do, and played his role.

I was often closer to my father than my mother for several reasons which would require another blog entry and another talking point. But let me just say that I don't think my mother really wanted to be a mother at so young of an age, and I am sure that is why she got her tubes tied early and never had any more kids. She wasn't the nurturing type of person, or touchy feely, where my dad was that type. He was affectionate. He attended all of my events at school, took me shopping for my first bra, and pretty much raised me while my mother always seemed to be searching for something other than what she had. I am not saying that my mother wasn't a good mom. I am just saying that when it came to parenting, she was out of her element most of the time and she will even admit that now.

There was a time in my Dad's life where he fell down and my parent's separated and that was when he got into cocaine heavily. In reality, both of my parents dabbled in recreational drug use but my dad got into it quite heavily and we almost lost everything we had. Once he quit the drug use, he began to drink and became an alcoholic and received two DUI's. My dad was not perfect, but when it came to ME, he made sure I was always taken care of and he continues to show me (and now HIS grandson and granddaughter) and he is always there when I need him. STILL!

The drinking caught up with my dad. When he was 35, he had his first heart attack and since then has been diagnosed with heart disease. He also has had several operations on his heart. My father also suffers with kidney problems and is in stage 3 of renal failure and will result in having dialysis weekly. I have already decided that once it gets to that point, I will be tested to see if I am a match so that I can donate my kidney to him. He also has liver problems and it seems his body is breaking down and according to his primary physician, is more like 75 years old instead of the 55 years old that he really is.

Our bond is eternal and I just when I think I cannot love him anymore than I already do, it continues to grow and grow. With his health deteriorating, each moment that I spend him is cherished more than the last. I love this man with all of my heart, and I am so blessed that he has been in my life, the way father's are supposed to be.

LOVE YA DADDY!

Growing Pains

2009-03-01T22:47:00.003-06:00

I am now three months deep into my blog and I have noticed that I am outgrowing my space. I am not that crazy about my current blog layout so I have decided to hire a professional designer to create a more personalized internet environment for me and my thoughts. The site will now be self-hosted with my own hosting instead of Blogger, which will allow for more personalization and less cookie cutter action. I am also changing the site from being in Blogger to Wordpress, so this is going to be a big transition. Hopefully, you guys will stick with me during this "pardon my dust" era, which should be complete within the next week or so.

Guest Blogger- Naturally Alise Responds To My Personal Domestic Abuse Post

2009-02-23T10:22:00.003-06:00

Under my previous post entitled: Not To Be Taken Lightly, I discussed my own personal experience with physical and verbal abuse. In the comments section, one of my Twitter friends and blog colleagues Naturally Alise, did not fully agree with my closing statement, time heals all wounds. In order to clarify her reasoning for not agreeing and also give her a forum in order to reply in full to my post, I asked her to write a featured Guest Blog on my site. The following is her blog entry written expressly for BlogNotWar:

I had to rebuild my self confidence and strength back, but I know what it feels like to be overpowered and bullied by the one that you love and who supposedly loves you. So I do feel for not only Rihanna, but for every victim of domestic or physical violence male or female.You can They say time heals all wounds. I would say that that is a correct assessment.

I must respectfully semi-disagree with my buddy Dannigyrl. Time does NOT heal all wounds. In fact, emotional wounds behave just like physical wounds. * You can ignore the wound and it will get infected and become much larger and more detrimental than the original injury. In fact in 1997, I was sexually assaulted. I will not go into the specific details (I'll save that for my memoirs one day, shit, I'm gonna be famous y'all), but I swept it under the rug and refused to deal with it until a few years ago. That pain ate me up and festered in my spirit for all those years. It affected my lifestyle and affected every relationship I was ever in negatively. time did not heal a single thing. Not a one.* You can deal with the wound. You can endure the sting of the alcohol and cleanse it. Do you once I started talking about what happened to me and dealing with my emotions constructively, through therapy and support of friends I was able to come out a better and infinitely stronger woman. I just had to get over the feelings of shame and stigma (the sting of the alcohol, if you will) and just hold my head up. I did that, time didn't do a single thing. Not a one.BUT*Just like a wound, it scars. It leaves something behind. That doesn't mean it necessarily has to be bad. I am a firm believer in turning tragedy or negativity into something fruitful in the end. That is the key, use that time on this planet to do something that will help or encourage the next woman to restart her life and maybe be encouraged not to waste precious time walking around with open wounds.***I also really feel the need to throw in this random PSA. STOP blaming victims. Le sigh...***Thanks,Naturally Alise

You can visit Naturally Alise by going to her blog Black Woman Lost and Found HERE and Cubicle Crusaders HERE

Not To Be Taken Lightly.

2009-02-20T21:49:00.004-06:00

I refuse to jump on the Rihanna/Chris Brown story because I do not know all of the facts at hand. There have been few public statements given by the parties involved, and thus I cannot make a proper assessment without having knowledge of the event in its proper context. What I do know, is that physical violence against someone else is very serious, and domestic violence is not something to be taken lightly.

Instead of giving my two cents on a situation that I do not know much about, I have decided to discuss my own experience with domestic violence.

As many of you know, I had my son at the age of 18 and in doing so, I became involved with a man four and a half years my senior. If I knew then what I know now, I would've discovered that the reason why he became interested in a then-17 year old womanchild was the fact that a female of that age can be someone that he could dominate or control. It is not normal in modern times for a 22 year old man to be infatuated with a 17 year old girl, other than pure attraction. The mindset of a 17 year old young woman is not very appealing nor mature. My son's father became obsessed with me because I was moldable like clay and able to be made into the woman that he wanted in his vision. But of course, again, at the age of 17 and 18, I could not (or simply refused to) see the forest for the trees.

The signs of violence began while we were dating. He didn't want me to spend time with other friends, he wanted me to be with him 24/7. Everyday after school, I had to wait about 45 minutes until he got off at 3 so that he could pick me up and take me home. He didn't want me riding the bus or driving my car to school for fear I would drive others or communicate with others. Back then I saw that as love but of course I know that love had nothing to do with it.

One night after an intense fight about his temper, I started to pack my bags to leave. Now mind you, I graduated from high school when I was 17 and my mom and dad were going through a divorce so I was kind of left to do what I wanted, so most nights I would stay at his apartment and I just kind of moved in slowly. Anyway, I told him I was going to go back home and sort things out and he pulled a gun out and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself if I left. Of course I didn't want to be the cause of his death, so I stayed. Now I know that he was way to vain to off himself, but then I wasn't the wiser.

Then he got me into the whole, I want to you to have my baby thing because he had a two year old son and wasn't allowed to see his son because of drama. I gave in to him because he cried on my shoulder every night and I really thought we were going to be together forever. So I stopped taking the pill and suffice to say, it was downhill from there.

The verbal abuse started. He would call me fat as I gained weight with the pregnancy. He always liked me to wear skimpy items of clothing and as my belly got bigger, I could no longer rock my cute tops and tennis skirts that were in at that time and he would make me feel bad and tell me that I would have to shop at Lane Bryant if I got any bigger. After my son was born, I lost all the weight within two months but he still wasn't satisfied.

One night, I went out with the girls, the first night out since I had had my son, and he acted a fool. He followed us to the club in Tampa and demanded I came home and when I refused, he pulled me in the car, practically dragging me. I didn't get hit that night but the blows started shortly after that.

First it was a push here or a shake there and those became slaps, and then punches and kicks. I remember one night very clearly: New Edition was on a reunion tour with Keith Sweat and my friend won tickets on the radio station to see the concert at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg. I told him about the concert weeks before, but that night he acted like he didn't know I was going out. He told me he wasn't watching our son and I told him I already made arrangements with his mother to watch him and he snapped. He told me I wasn't going to go anywhere and that he rented movies for us to watch that night. I told him to get out of the bathroom while I was getting ready because there was no way I was missing the concert. I got in the bathtub and he took my curling iron that I had just plugged up and tossed it into the tub. The only thing that saved me from getting electrocuted was the plug was yanked out the wall when he threw it in the tub so there wasn't enough electricity to shock me.

I didn't go to the concert that night.

No one in my family knew of the violence I was going through. It was a scary situation because there were many nights that I thought I was not going to make it. He was always careful to hit me in places that were not visible to the public. Usually my stomach or back. But I can tell you that the verbal abuse was worse than the physical. The bruises always healed but the memory of his words saying the most hurtful things to me would replay over and over.

I didn't feel worthy.

And then a divine intervention occurred. He got arrested for having a unregistered weapon and was in jail for a few days. I took those few days and the money I had saved and my son and I moved into another apartment. He didn't have access or keys. He flattened my tires a few times but there was nothing he really could do to harm me anymore. I wasn't in his control. In order to see his son, we always met at his mom's house or in a public place. I had so much dirt on him that I threatened to call the police if he tried to take my son or harm me in any way.

That was ten years ago.

Now, we are good. Or as good as we can be with our history. I moved away to my hometown and he became involved with another woman and it became HER problem, not mine. I got married and divorced. And he is still struggling with women and relationships. We don't discuss it. It is all about our son during phone calls or visits to Florida. But every once and a while, he apologizes for what he did to me. And our son, because our son did bear witness to many of these events. And he remembers some of them even though he was only two and three years old at the time.

I had to rebuild my self confidence and strength back, but I know what it feels like to be overpowered and bullied by the one that you love and who supposedly loves you. So I do feel for not only Rihanna, but for every victim of domestic or physical violence male or female.

They say time heals all wounds. I would say that that is a correct assessment.

30 Day No Soda Challenge-Mission Accomplished

2009-02-10T19:40:00.004-06:00

I have officially completed my 30 Day No Soda Challenge. I lost a total of 16 pounds and 2 and a half inches off of my waist. My beverage intake consisted of water, sweet tea, cranberry and apple juice. I am sure the weight loss is contributed to not drinking soda, but I also changed my eating habits by cooking more healthy foods, not eating after 8pm, and curving eating in between meals.

I have decided to continue my No Soda challenge to see how far I can really go without drinking soda. I HAVE NOT had a soda since January 5, 2009 even though I have surpassed the 30 day tie frame. I honestly don't miss it and I would rather devote my caloric intake to food than to soak it up with 200 calorie per pop soda.

Mission accomplished, at least for now. I planned on adding yoga or Pilates and more exercises to my lifestyle challenge and I have failed to do the latter. I am not giving up on that, though. Weight loss was not a major factor for me changing my eating habits but I do have a goal of losing 30 pounds so I can be leaner and well within the guidelines for weight set forth for my height and age. The YMCA near my home has a yoga class beginning at the end of the month, and by golly, I will be in that class.

I Have Faltered.....

2009-02-10T19:22:00.004-06:00

I could tell towards the end of January that I was getting bored with blogging. Not bored in the sense of not wanting to blog, but bored in the sense that it was getting hard for me to keep up the daily pace of blogging at least once a day AND keep up with my duties as mother and property manager and the like.

There are a lot of bloggers that blog everyday once or twice or maybe even more than that. I envy them because I wish I was creative enough to think of topics to fill up these pages. But unfortunately, that is not the case. Multitasking, although I am somewhat good at it, can sometimes lead me astray.

I need to get out of my head. I have received several emails from my followers and other readers wanting to know if I was okay and if I had given up on my blog. What I now understand is that this blog is bigger than me. The content, the writing, the subjects are all an outlet for ME but there are those of YOU that care about it and come to my site because what I write touches something in YOU. As I have stated before, I have started so many blogs in the past just to stop writing after a few days or weeks and I promised myself that that would not happen again.

So I apologize in advance and hope you understand. Sometimes life happens. But in reality, I need this blog in my life. I've faltered, as we all often do, but I hope I haven't lost you as a follower and that you continue to read my blog.

Thanks!

Oh Freaking Boy! (An Open Letter)

2009-01-27T20:42:00.004-06:00

We hadn't talked in a minute. The connection we had back in the thick of things had wavered. And yet today, when I talked to you, despite our hiatus, despite the busy schedules that we both maintain and trips recently taken, we fell back into the groove. Yes, it was awkward at first because it had been awhile. But when you are used to talking to someone as much as we talked, the communication comes naturally.

I missed your friendship. You didn't go anywhere. Neither did I. And yet, there was always something indeed missing. At least on my end.

You still intrigue me. You are still that dope being that has effortless cool on the phone and even more so in person. I am drawn to you because you are a unique individual with confidence that puts other men to shame. You are indeed an alpha male. I've always been attracted to that.

Yes there is someone else in my life. We discussed it. Me and ole boy aren't serious, although we are this close to becoming as physical as two can be. You don't want a relationship (with me). I mean, how could we even have one with YOU there and ME here? We have both moved on although we never stopped moving on. But I still have feelings for you. I won't front. My heart was open to you at one point and I was not in the business of being hurt. So I did close the door. But above all else, your friendship is most important to me.

You made me smile today because you said that we were not platonic. All this talk of friendship that you have expressed during these six months and you let me know that you see me as other than JUST a friend. And that does mean something. No matter what the future holds.

I always want to be in your life no matter what. And I always want us to share that connection. I will always be your flower girl. Ride or die.

MUAH

Update- 30 Day No Soda Challenge & Other Items

2009-01-27T20:05:00.005-06:00

Can you believe it has been almost a month since I began my 30 Day No Soda Challenge? I began the challenge not only as a New Year's Resolution, but as a goal to live my life healthier in '09. I found myself drinking at least a six pack or so more of soda each day, and with diabetes being a problem in my family for so many years, I knew I had to stop the addiction. So on Monday, January 5, 2009, I started my 30 Day No Soda Challenge.

There have been many times that I slipped and fell off the wagon. But what kept me on the straight and narrow (besides prayer) is knowing that I would be so defeated if I drank a soda because I would have to blog about it and let you all know that I lost the good fight. That is one blog I don't want to have to write, especially since a few of my Twitter folks are also riding with me on the Challenge.

I have lost 11 pounds since I began. I wasn't doing this Challenge to lose weight, but this is a great side effect and I needed to lose bout 15 pounds anyway. I feel like I have more energy each day and I don't feel as bloated. I still get headaches every now and then but they don't last as long as they used to, and my body is getting used to not having as much caffeine. I drink about 15 glasses of water daily along with a few servings of juice (either cranberry or apple) and I also drink sweet tea, which is my latest addiction.

Someone on Twitter recognized that sweet tea can be just as bad as soda and pointed that out to me, so I began weaning myself off of that this week. I plan to be completely sweet tea free by the middle of next month as well. I am trying not to start too many Challenges at one time in order to keep balance and control in my life. I don't want to be overloaded with too many goals.

This Challenge will last beyond 30 Days. I would like to stay soda free (with the exception of a can or two here or there once or twice a month) for the rest of the year. I also want to begin a rigorous exercise challenge of Cardio and Yoga in February. My homie Forever Lex and I along with the USUAL SUSPECTS are planning a TweetUp in Miami in May and I so want to look flawless in a two-piece. Dade County will never be the same.

This Challenge this is slowly morphing into a lifestyle change and a way of life for me. Thanks to everyone who has continued to show me support through this No Soda Thing. I am ever so grateful. More than you know. :P

The Hilton.

2009-01-25T22:03:00.005-06:00

We both knew why you called me. And we both knew that when I arrived at Room 742 that it was going to be about business. Business that only you and I would be able to handle. As of last year, it was unfinished. I replayed the interrupted scenario over and over in my head many times and tonight, I would finally be able to see it play out in its entirety.

You answered the door with that smile that you always had. Crooked. Showing just a few of your exceptionally beautifully white teeth made for a Colgate commercial. You were dressed comfortably in a white T-shirt and basketball shorts. Lounging in the room watching the play-offs. Waiting for my arrival since you touched down in the Lou five hours previously. My heart pounding, I gave you a playful hug and walked into your room and allowed the door to close behind me. There were double beds. I smiled to myself. Okay. This is going to be interesting.

I sat down on the bed and crossed my legs with my coat on. You told me to stand up because you wanted to get a good view of me. I felt your eyes on me seeming to pierce through the epidermis of my skin. It was like you could read my every thought and movement before I moved or thought. You told me to take off my coat and I did as I was told. I was wearing a black blouse belted at the waist and a pair of black leggings and heels. You licked your lips and I knew what you were thinking.

You gave me them fuck me eyes. I reciprocated.

Hands around my waist, you pulled me close. Stuck your tongue down my throat hard and fast and I was frustrated because I was used to being in control and you were taking that away from me. My hair was in a ponytail and you pulled my head back so your tongue could penetrate me deeper. Then you stopped suddenly and I opened my eyes to see you smiling at me.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Last year, you and I were at this same place. Different room. But during that time, we were interrupted by feelings that seemed to overwhelm us. And vibrating phones and secret phone calls brought about our hiatus. Jealously. Envy. But tonight, it was going down. We didn't care about the past.

You slowly unbuttoned my blouse and we both watched as it fell to the ground. My strapless bra was next to be removed. You marvelled at the 38 D's that were in front of you and cupped. Kissed my nipples and watched as they hardened in slow motion. You slid off my pants and you smiled because you saw that I still didn't wear any panties. Your hands were on my ass and then my back and then my neck as you kissed me again.

I took off your t-shirt. Your chest still sported muscles. No hair. Shit was sexy. I played around with the elastic on your b-ball shorts, putting the tip of my nail around the drawstring and pulling on it teasingly. You took my hand and put it on your hardened pole.

It was time to begin.

We started with me on my back, my legs over your shoulders. I could feel all of you when it was like this. You showed no mercy and I didn't want any either. We had a lot of time to make up for and with each thrust inside of me, you were punishing me for the time we were apart. I didn't want to moan, didn't want you to know you had me feeling all good but I couldn't help myself. You withdrew and watched as my mouth begged for you to continue. Your chest was sweaty. You looked high but it was my chocha was now your drug.

We hit a rush.

You turned me on my back and infiltrated me from behind, moving slow and deep as I purred and cooed at your prowess in the bedroom. It was magnetic heat that was being transferred in between the both of us and we were both spellbound at the action taking place. Unable to get the proper leverage you needed, you had me get on my knees and you entered me hard once again, moving in as I arched my back and backed up into your rhythm. You began to move faster and I didn't want it to end but I could tell you were getting ready to explode because I was too.

I got on my knees and pleasured you orally. This, above all else, was what kept you coming back for more after all of this time.

You dreamt about it. You plotted and planned. And now it was happening in this room.

I started off slowly and then with each movement, I took more of you inside of me.

Before you could say my name, I stopped. Looked up at you like I used to do with my doe eyes and allowed you to spill your liquid all on my breasts.

Round two would commence shortly. After a small breather.

I Am Not My Hair

2009-01-25T19:04:00.004-06:00

This particular blog entry is difficult for me to write because I have so many hang-ups and whatnot when it comes to my hair. Since I could remember, I have had issues with my hair and just recently, I decided to just let it go and do what I feel is best for my overall well being when it comes to my strands. Here is my story:

As a child, I was told I had good hair. Whatever that means. It was a nice length, fine, and wavy. My mother usually put my hair in braids or ponytails and I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down until I was like 13. Yes, I am serious. At that age, I began going to get my hair done at the salon and I would get it pressed. My mother would not allow me to get a perm for fear it would mess up my "good" hair. When I was 15, my mother finally relented and I got a relaxer and there began my love/hate relationships with chemical straighteners.

When I was 16, with the popularity of Toni Braxton and Halle Berry and Anita Baker tapered short cuts and styles, I chopped all of my hair off to conform. At first, I loved it but then I realized that keeping the style meant I had to get my hair done every week and I had to get it cut quite often. Bored with the style after 6 months or so, I let my beautician put in a sew in weave. I loved the instant length it afforded and I began wearing a weave pretty much all of the time.

Now anyone who remembers the early nineties remember that weaves were somewhat controversial. Now weaves are considered very mainstream and as a fashion accessory but back then, it was a travesty if people knew you had a weave. I moved around a lot and when I started my Junior and Senior year at high school, everyone saw me with the long hair and thought it was mine. I began living the lie of having long hair when I really didn't and this created tension because I didn't feel comfortable wear my own hair.

Wearing a weave became a crutch that I would have pretty much throughout my adult life. I wouldn't allow my own hair to breathe because I felt I needed to keep up the persona of having long hair. My beautician was so good at putting in the weave that no one was the wiser believe it or not and there were few people that knew I wasn't wearing my own hair.

This all came to a head when I got into a fight at school. The first thing the girl did was pull on my hair as girls often do when fighting and the weave track came out of the top of my head. She was carrying it in her hand and the crowd watching it was shocked to see that it was a weave. It was hard for me to show my face the next day at school but my mom and dad made me go to school. (I lost the fight by the way).

After that tragic incident at school, I started wearing my own hair. And that lasted for awhile. By then it had grown to a nice length but was very damaged after relaxing it myself when I took out the weave. So I began to experiment with pieces. Falls and ponytails and things like that to cover up the unhealthiness of the hair. I began college with braids and wore them during the mid to late 90's.

During the pregnancy of my son, my hair grew very long and strong but I had another brush with scissors and cut it all off again into a short bob that was the rage then. Of course I got bored with the length and I began wearing full headed weaves again.

It was a vicious cycle that I perpetrated.

Fast forward to now and I am still wearing weaves. But I don't wear them all the time. I give my hair a resting period and wear my own hair from time-to-time. I have had a relaxer constantly for too many years and decided in October, after having a heat-to-heart with my stylist to go natural.

There is nothing wrong with straight hair. Or chemically relaxing your hair. Or wearing weaves. But I think that the combination of all of the those things is displaying to others that I can only be beautiful with these "crutches" and that is not true. For starters, my beauty doesn't come from my outside but from my inside. Number two, the hair in a relaxed state and bought in a store is not truly mine. I am not being myself if I cannot wear my hair in its natural state.

I love looking at sisters who are rocking twists or locks, or an Afro, or curls or whatever hair style they chose that is natural. It's a statement. It's funky. And it's being true to oneself. Not that wearing a weave or having relaxers mean you can't be true, but using it for a crutch, which was my experience, it can seem like you are being your hair. And I am not my hair. India.Arie had it right when she sang that song:

I have been researching ways to transition my hair to natural. Right now I am wearing a sew in weave in order to transition in. I am also going to try rocking braids and some curly do's. I know there is going to come a time where I am going to have to cut the relaxed ends off and that will be the day I am borne again as a woman. A natural one, napps, waves, curls, and all.

I will still straighten my hair. My current stylist specializes in natural hair and said that in its natural state, my wavy and fine hair would be easy to train and straighten with a flat iron without chemicals. Right now, being totally chemically free is my goal and I cannot wait to achieve it. It will give me so much flexibility to wear it curly, wavy, or straight and I will have so many more options when it comes to my hair.

If you have any suggestions on how I can transition my hair, please reply to this post. I would be most grateful and thankful. Taking this new journey is going to be long and I am sure I will have some stumbling blocks along the way. But this is a new phase, a new direction in which I would like to follow. I need to do this for myself.

Um, I'm Milking.

2009-01-22T14:52:00.002-06:00

Okay. A strange phenomenon just occurred within my body. I was sitting here responding to work emails when I felt something wet and warm on my bra. I looked down at the blouse I am wearing and viola! There was a wet stain near my left nipple. WTF?

I rushed to the bathroom and unbuttoned my blouse and noticed a substance coming out of my nipple. MILK.

Now I've watched enough porn to know what milking is. The thing is, this never happened after the birth of my son and daughter who are 14 and 4.

I am not even pregnant. Just had my monthly visitor. Why is milk coming out of my left titay? OMG. I need to look this up on Web MD.

Confidence Is Dope. Bragging? Not So Much

2009-01-22T12:12:00.004-06:00

I simply adore my confident brothers and sisters out there, let me put that on front street. Media will perpetuate that within the Black urban community, those that are doing well for themselves are rappers or basketball players, or dope boys, or less than stellar individuals who hustle their way through life on the not so up-and-up. But there are also those of us who are out there on the daily living professional lives in our fields grinding it out and making a good living while doing so. We are living the good life because we work hard and devote so much of our days to our prospective occupations and endeavors and for that, we indulge.

But this blog post is not in reference to those individuals. The individuals whom I'd like to discuss are those out there with "new money" and they have to floss what they have in order to get attention. Let me break down what I mean so you can understand the essence.

I have a good friend. He's a guy. This past weekend before I left, we hung out. We ate at a fine dining restaurant here in the Lou called Brio and afterwards we went to see one of his boys perform at a club in the Loop.

He kept saying during the meal that this place was so this and so that. And yes it was. It went without saying. Brio was nothing new to me, I had been there several times. But the way he talked, it was like wanted me to be impressed that he chose such a nice dining establishment. NOPE! LOL.

During the whole entire meal, he went on and on about his new E Class Benz that he purchased a few weeks ago. Now, I for one, congratulated him on his purchase when he sent me a picture mail on my phone of him standing next to it. But during dinner he talked about his new Benz, and his new loft downtown, and the fact that he was going to Aruba in February and this and that. I refer to this as new money because when people that have had money for awhile don't have to throw it out there that they have money. Those who haven't had it that long seem to be more braggadocious about it. He and I used to have deep conversations about hella stuff and the dinner seemed to be filled with his latest and greatest purchases.

No I am not jealous. Again, I applaud homeboy for being able to afford the things that he wants. I love that he has flow like that. But I am no bump on a log myself. I don't have a Benz, but I do very well thank you. Plus, would rather be measured by my character, not by the money that is in my bank account.

I told him that.

His reply to me is that he is a good catch because all the ladies see him on a come-up and now he has to beware of gold diggers. And I am almost certain that that is a true statement. But speaking about your have's most certainly will attract the gold digger type of chick, don't you think? I told him to marinate on that and he simply laughed.

The money has gone to his head.

I also sensed that his bragging and continuous talk of money really displayed the fact that he was insecure. He would rather discuss his latest vacation and 5 Star hotel visit than talk about himself, the man, as if his worthiness depended on his platinum Amex. SMH. This was a person that I so loved hanging out with and kicking it with and now there is mostly silence between us because it's all about him.

What he displayed that evening wasn't confidence at all. A confident person can have all of the swag (yes I said we need to bury the word swag but let me use it just this once) and have not a penny to his name because his worth is not measured by his money, but he himself. That is the type of brother I am attracted to, not some chocolate Ritchie Rich who is really a scared little boy on the inside.

We were such good friends. I don't know what is going to happen to us now because I can't put up with the whole bling bling conversations. I'd rather just hang onto my memories.

A Day I Will Never Forget

2009-01-22T10:16:00.008-06:00

Despite the fact that there were a few flubs in that swearing

in ceremony, I must say it was a perfect day!

No one could steal my (or anyone else's) joy that Obama was

now our 44th President of the United States.

Despite detractors who said that the swearing is was not official due

to a few errors, the Consitution states that the President Elect

becomes President at exactly 12 noon on January 20th.

And just to quiet the hush, Obama was sworn in again yesterday

evening.

HISTORY!

Martin Luther King, Jr.: A Dream Realized

2009-01-19T18:13:00.004-06:00

If Martin Luther King, Jr. would have been alive today, he would've turned eighty years old last Thursday. The man who gave perhaps one of the most famous speeches in history, was just 33 years old, the same age as I am currently, when he delivered the I Have A Dream speech in August 1963.

Today is not only a day to celebrate his legacy and life, but also remember his dream and how is has somewhat come to a realization today as we embark on the Inuguration of the 44th President of these United States, the first African American President, Barack H. Obama.

Oh, how proud he is of us today. The Dream still lives on....

Tagged & Awarded

2009-01-19T17:24:00.009-06:00

I've been slipping lately on my blog. I was actually Tagged by my blog and Twitter pal Fungkeblakchik last Saturday and I am just getting around to posting and responding (charge it to my head and not my heart sis). While sitting here waiting on my plane to leave, I thought this would be as good of a time as any to return the favor to Fungkeblakchick and pass the award along to others who are well deserving. Time for me to pay it forward:

Five yummy things:

1. My smothered potatoes

2. Giodorno's Pizza

3. Grandma's liver and onions

4. Filet mignon from Fleming's steakhouse

5. Cobb or wedge salad with plenty o' bleu cheese dressing

Five songs I know by heart:

1. Paper Thin by MC Lyte

2. Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House

3. Dear Mama Tupac

4. Rocket Man Elton John

5. I Need Love LL Cool J

Five places I would like to escape to (in no particular order):

1. Tokyo

2. Maui

3. London

4. NYC

5. Barbados

Five things I would never wear:

1. my hair blonde

2. velvet

3. gellies (shoes....why on earth did they make a comeback?)

4. jogging pants

5. CROCS

Five favorite TV shows (in no particular order):

1. Intervention

2. American Idol

3. Big Love

4. Judge Mathis

5. Anything on HGTV

Five things I enjoy doing (in no particular order):

1. Sleeping

2. Shopping

3. Writing

4. Being a mommy to Codi and Laylah

5. Thinking dirty thoughts

Five Favorite toys (in no particular order):

1. My Blackberry Curve

2. My Chi iron

3. My new digital camera (can't wait to start vlogging)

4. Trixie, my laptop

5. My truck

Five people who I am tagging to fill this out and who I’ll also pass on the “Helping Hands Award” and those who I would want to participate in ‘paying it foward’:

1.NightFall914- I don't quite remember how I fell into the world of Blue Bloggington (Myspace perhaps) but this brother's blog has become my latest addiction. Raw, funny, and nerdy, NightFall never ceases to amaze me or entertain me.

2.Miss Jia- Ooh, chile, if you want no nonsense then Miss Jia is the blog to read. Full on uncanny honesty, as well as a You Tube sensation, while visiting Miss Jia, you will never be bored.

3. Forever Lex- This is my homie from Twitter who has become like a e-sister to me. Lex's blog is bold, fearless, and raw as she exposes her innermost feelings with every post. Visit her and you will see what I mean.

4. Rasha- Gotta love Raheim Shabazz. He stays on the grind and holds his passion of writing to the highest regards. Visit his site and show him some love.

5. Jillian- This girl is a beautiful blogger who started a new blog this year entitled New Year, New Attitude 2009. Follow her as she speaks of the changes she is making in her life on a journey of self improvement. And tell her I sentcha. :)

The Rules:

1. Select 10 bloggers: 5 you consider your blogging Helping Hand then “Pay it Forward” by extending your “Helping Hand” to 5 additional bloggers in support and encouragement for their efforts. (I obviously didnt’ follow these directions, but decided to use the same 5)

2. In passing on the Emblem, each recipient must provide the name of blog or blog author with a link for others to visit.Each recipient must show the Emblem and put the name and link to the blog that has given it to her or him.

3. Link the Emblem to this post: Helping Hand: Much Obliged and Paying it Forward so that others will know it origin and impetus.

4. If you have not already done so, show your recipients some love by adding them to your blog roll, Technorati Favorite list, or in any other way to further let them know that their blog voice is important to you and being heard.

5. Add your name to The Helping Hand meme and don’t forget to leave a comment as a permanent record of all Helping Hand recipients.

6. Display the rules.

Internet FAKERS.

2009-01-16T09:35:00.004-06:00

This is a topic that must be discussed. Period and point blank.

Let me start this latest blog entry off by saying I am not new to the Internets. Blogging maybe. But I have been on the Internet since 1995, when I got my first computer (A Gateway2000 'memba them?) and subscribed to American Online (before it was shortened to AOL). Back in them days, the scenery was very organic. Very real. There were, of course, people who played headgames even back then. But it was as real as it could be in cyberspace. It was a way to communicate and learn information and meet new people in other parts of the country and world. It was FUN!

Then social networking sites began to hit the Internet and thus started to take their toll on the fun-ness of logging on. People began to be preoccupied about their appearance more so than substance. "Let me post the best picture, even though it may be ten years ago when I was fifty pounds lighter, or better yet, let me just steal someone else's pics. Let me create a personality, another virtual me, that is nothing like me. Let me invent an identity. A resume. I graduated from Stanford and have a PhD in Biochemical Warfare. I have seven cars for every day of the week and I travel every week to a new place and I am invited to all of these parties and premieres and such. I am so fabulous, yo!"

Why can't people just be themselves? Be proud of their occupation or lack thereof, whatever it is. Why do we feel the need to impress? I am noticing, especially on TWITTER, that everyone seems to be a publicist, a model, a manager, a record exec, a something. There are only a handful of folks such as myself that aren't in the "industry". Knowing what little that I do know about the entertainment business, I find this hard to believe because it is a very close-knit and small group of folks in the urban realm. Don't get me wrong, I am not calling each and every person I've met online a liar because I do know there are those of you who are grinding it out and doing their thing and are quite successful at doing it too. And I love it. I love seeing folks on the come-up. But for those who feel that they have to create a false lifestyle in order to feel elite is suspect to me.

And then there are those individuals who are not necessary lying about their occupations or lifestyles but create a SASHA FIERCE character to coincide with their real life. For instance, in real life they are quiet, reserved, introverted. But online they become boisterous, obnoxious, loud, bold. Come on now. I am seeing people with statuses like "I am going to whip on this 'hoe' or "I am at ole boys house and he and I are getting ready to get busy" when in actuality they are sitting on their couch watching Maury Povich and can't get crunk in real life to save themselves from an uncertain death.

You don't have to lie to kick it.

Be you. Flaws and all. I think those that keep it real are the most fabulous.

I Am. Divorced.

2009-01-12T11:35:00.003-06:00

Many of you know that I am divorced. What many people do not know is the circumstances behind the split. Here are the details:

I met my ex husband in 1998. Online. We were both in a Yahoo chat room (remember those?) and he mentioned that he was from St. Louis. I was living in Florida and I sent a private message letting him know that I was from St. Louis originally. We exchanged emails, struck up a friendship and which grew over time.

Fast forward to the year 2000. I had been struggling in Florida and thinking about just giving up and moving somewhere else. I had already tried to move to Atlanta and failed before I was even unable to move. I knew I had to do something because Florida was becoming a place that I hated to live. It was during this time that my ex husband was breaking up with his woman. Our emails became more frequent and I told him of my troubles and he invited me to come to St. Louis to visit him. Purchased a ticket for me and had it waiting at the ticket counter.

I thought why not? Most of my family lived in St. Louis so I would have a place to stay. He sent me a ticket and I came to visit on August 12, 2000. I stayed.

Fast forward. We got serious rather quickly. Fell in love. He was brilliant, funny, warm, open, honest, and handsome. He was the prototype and we had so much in common. We were both only children. Our families got along. He was my best friend. A match made in heaven.

We got married.

We had a daughter.

He became another father to my son.

But marrying your best friend is hard. People think this would be the ideal marriage but it wasn't. We were always looking for something. Everything was too familiar. Too perfect. Too cookie cutter. Just going through life daily and not experiencing excitement began to take a toll on our marriage.

Then he cheated.

Then I did.

Then it was just the two of us trying to hurt one another over and over again. We tried to work it out but we couldn't overcome the past. There was too much damage done. I couldn't forget his discretion and he couldn't forget mine.

We separated in January if last year and the divorce was final in October.

There are times that I feel I will ever get married again but I know that probably isn't the case. I do know that when and if I get married again, it won't be to my best friend. I know this sounds ridiculous but when you are too much like someone else, and you have that best friend thing that turns into a marriage, it oftentimes comes to bite you in the ass. I am thankful to my ex-husband. He is a great father to the both of my children. He takes care of business. And we still remain close.

Our marriage was not a mistake.

We just weren't ready. I know that now.

30 Day No Soda Challenge Update (Day 7)

2009-01-12T11:30:00.002-06:00

I am on my seventh day of not ingesting soda and I feel great. No more headaches (Thank GOD) and I have lost a total of 5 and a half pounds. All from not drinking soda. I feel better, less sluggish each day and I am sharper. I never really knew that there were "side effects" of drinking so much soda, but I now see what I was doing to my body.

A special thanks to everyone who has given me feedback since I have begun this journey. I a truly grateful and I plan on continuing this challenge for more than 30 days. This is going to be a new lifestyle change for me.

MUAH!

His Hands = The Sweetest Taboo

2009-01-08T10:52:00.004-06:00

His hands were like lightening to my thunderstorm when we connected. Sensual. Loving without love if that makes any sense. He is smooth with it. Takes his time to get it right. Not methodical or calculating. I can tell he is living for the moment, spontaneous with the passion. Not too much but not too little. Just enough to get that thang right.

He asked me to take of my clothes which I did slowly. He took off his. And then we stood there touching one another like this was out first time seeing the opposite sex naked. He emitted positivity and I was drawn to it. His skin was smooth. Brown. Serene. The right amount of moisture. He put his hands on my breasts and cupped them like he was holding a baby. So soft. I whispered he didn't have to be so gentle. But if he wanted to be soft he could. But if he wanted to rub em harder, he could do that too.

He sat on his bed. I stood facing him. His hands went from my breasts to my waist to my hips to my thighs and then he cupped my ass. Jiggled it. We laughed. He told me he never would've thought about doing this two years before. I said I know, me neither. I was married then. He was with ole girl. It would've been completely wrong. To engage in this sort of behavior before now. But here we were. Attraction had taken over. And now we can do what we've been wanting to do.

The nakedness of this whole affair was arousing. We didn't get RIGHT to it. We made ourselves familiar with one another. His bedroom was warm, a blanket of heat and eroticism in the air. His Ipod was on a playlist of slow songs and I was sure I wasn't the only female to here them. In this room. But I didn't care. Couldn't care less. At this time, being in a relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. It was all about the BIG O.

We laid in the bed. He was still caressing my breasts, which I think was his favorite part on my body. My other body parts were getting jealous but it was okay. Time. And patience. I had that. He played in my hair. Cupped my face with his one free hand. I giggled because Lovers and Friends from Lil Jon and Usher came on. It was like the Ipod knew our relationship up to that point. I asked him if he liked to kiss. He said yeah.

I asked him to kiss me.

He did.

A kiss is a deal breaker for me. If a dude can't kiss, then I am out the door. It is that serious to me. Our lips connected and met. And saliva. The kiss was nice. Slow as hell, not too deep, kind of teasing. Okay. I could stay. He knew how to kiss.

We touched and felt and kissed for hours it seemed. I looked at the time and it was almost 2 in the morning. I had to go to work the next morning.

We didn't do the deed.

I got dressed slowly and he helped me. It was cute. He was still hard and I felt bad. All of that foreplay and we didn't do anything. But to be honest, I didn't want to anymore. It wasn't about that tonight. We had been co-workers before. Then friends. Then "brother and sister". Then possible hook-up homies. The titles of our relationships had changed so many times. This was not something we should rush.

We hugged. And kissed. I made it to the front door. We hugged again and I told him I would call him later that day. I started walking to my car and then he called my name. I turned around. He met me halfway and we hugged again. A quick peck. And I got in my Jeep with my sweetest taboo.

The next day at work, I logged onto Facebook. And to my surprise, he had updated his status. And he did it in a way that paid homage to our night before. No one else knew but me what it meant. But it was touching and cute. And all of that.

His hands. I want to feel them again. It's been too long. Yeah.

My Addiction To U (Plus) My 30 Day No Soda Challenge

2009-01-06T14:20:00.006-06:00

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

I am not clapping folks.

I am irritable and bitter and borderline psychotic because my mind is playing tricks on me. Ryan Leslie's song about addiction keeps playing in my cerebral cortex as I dream of the days I sipped on a ice cold Dr. Pepper straight out of a 12 ounce can.

Those days are gone.

Not one for resolutions, I began to think of ways I could revolutionize my life as '08 came to an end. Live better. Go farther. Do more. And so, as of Monday, January 5, 2008, I put myself on a self supervised 30 Day No Soda Challenge.

I figured I drank about 4 12 ounces of soda per day (during the week) and maybe even more than that on the weekends. That, my friends, is not good, and a one-way ticket to diabetes-ville. Hell, I am surprised I am not morbidly obese with all of the soda I have consumed on a daily basis.

But that was then....

I am currently having issues, though, because soda was an addiction. I have had about three headaches since I began the challenge. I know my body is withdrawing from caffeine and so I drink iced tea which has caffeine to substitute but I think my body knows the difference. I went to the grocery store yesterday on my off day and purchased apple and cranberry juice as well as lemonade, and plenty of water. The first day was very easy but today I am stressing out big time.

I WANT A FREAKING SODA!

In addition to my no soda rule (not even diet soda folks which I can't stand anyway), I am also instituting the following guidelines for my new and improved lifestyle and healthy living:

Eating breakfast everyday and NO SKIPPING
Making sure I get at least 10 glasses of water each day
Taking my lunch to work and no longer purchasing fast food or takeout
Cooking dinner each night, healthier meals and no fried foods
No eating after 7pm during the week
Yoga class at the Y (I will tackle Pilates this spring)

I am hoping that with these new life choices, I am preparing myself to live a longer, more healthy life. My father has been very ill lately and heart disease runs in my family and I do not want to become a victim of that. I want to be around for my offspring as well as show them a healthier way to live so that they can therefore live a longer life as well.

Someone has got to break the chain....

LOL. I will whine. I will complain. I will probably write numerous a blog regarding my frustrations. But I know in the end, I am doing the right thing for me and my well being.

If anyone else would like to participate in the 30 Day No Soda Challenge with me, please e-mail me at dannigyrl_is_fab@yahoo.com

I already have a few Twitter folks who are participating with me. Let's do this :P

Homeless. Gypsy Woman.

2009-01-04T20:38:00.005-06:00

Most of you are familiar with the Crystal Waters tune from 1991 called Gypsy Woman in which she sang about a homeless woman against a thumping house beat. Well, I was literally a gypsy woman a few years ago and was officially homeless for about two months. Below is a recount of how that unfolded and how I found redemption.

In the fall of 1998, I was tired of struggling and barely getting by. My son at that time was 4 years old and I was a single mother. My son's father wasn't contributing that much financially due to his recent arrest for selling drugs, so it was all on me to provide for the welfare of our child. I was making about $7.00 at that time and living in Florida where I was in an area known as Safety Harbor near Clearwater. I was paying about $550 per month rent for a two bedroom apartment and about $95 per week for daycare. In addition, I also had a car note, car insurance, utility bills, etc. etc. and with my wage, it was hard to make ends meet with no additional contributions.

So I came up with this brilliant idea to move to Atlanta. A friend of mine's sister lived there was needing a secretary for her up and coming business and was willing to pay me $11 per hour. Thinking I was on a come up, I gave a 30 day notice to my apartment building and gave notice to my employer, and began selling off my furniture because I was going to start fresh in Atlanta. I cashed in my 401k at the company I was working in and made the necessary plans to move.

My dad agreed to let my son stay with him in St. Louis for a few months until the Christmas holiday while I was in transition. The plan was after I got settled, I would fly back to St. Louis to retrieve my son. The day before I was due to leave, a series of events happened. My 401k was deposited in my bank account, but my account was levied because I owed past due taxes. The IRS took everything in the account so I had no money to move. My last paycheck was also deposited in my account and that was taken too.

I was going to need a few weeks to hustle up some more money before my move but I was told by employer that they had already hired someone to take my place and they were starting that next Monday. I then called my new employer in Atlanta and told her it would be a few weeks until I would have the money to move and she then told me not to even bother coming because she needed someone like yesterday and was going to hire someone else if I didn't get there ASAP. I had already sold all of my furniture and had to leave my apartment at the end of the weekend because my complex had rented it out.

The only good thing at this time was that my son was already in St. Louis so I didn't have to worry about him. My Aunt had flew in from St. Louis for my father and she and my son flew back.

I had only $100.00 to my name.

I was too embarrassed to tell anyone I didn't have any money or nowhere to go.

My mother and I weren't talking at this time because I called her out on her shit with her drug abuse. My best friend and I weren't talking because she owed me money and didn't want to pay me. When it came to Florida, I didn't have many friends left. That was one of the many reasons why I wanted to leave. The "friend" who's sister I was going to work for in Atlanta stopped taking my phone calls. I had no one.

I called my dad about the job offer falling through but I didn't have the nerve to tell him I was broke. He was taking care of my son and helping me out, so I didn't want to ask for even more when he was doing so much for me already.

So I took what possessions I had and loaded it in my Neon and basically began living out of my car. I found a job working through a temp agency and began working right away as a receptionist. I worked during the day, slept in the car at night, usually in a Denny's parking lot. And in the wee hours in the morning before the sunlight came up, I would wash up in the Denny's bathroom or a hotel lobby bathroom which was next door and get dressed. No one at work knew I was homeless. I dressed well. Hair was done. Make-up applied. I didn't smell. No one was the wiser.

This was such a scary time. I had a cell phone (PrimeCo) that I was able to keep during this unfortunate event, so I would talk on the phone to mere acquaintances to keep myself awake at night. When I couldn't fight the sleep anymore, I would make sure the doors were locked, turn on the radio, and get in the backseat and let the music lull me to sleep. Every car that passed, every person that walked by, I woke up and acted like everything was normal. It was so hard putting on this act day in and day out. But I did it. And I did it well.

It was November and December in Florida and although it didn't get really cold, there were nights that I would turn my car on in intervals and run the heat so I wouldn't freeze. I missed all of my favorite shows without a television. I had no idea what was going on in the world or the news until I got to work each day. I was living a double life.

On the weekends, on the Friday I got paid each week, I stayed in a hotel where I enjoyed sleeping in a real bed and taking a real shower. It was like heaven to me.

Towards the end of December, right before Christmas, I saved up enough money for a small one bedroom apartment in St. Petersburg. I was elated even though it was nothing like the apartment I had before. At least I had a roof over my head and I would have heat and a shower, and a kitchen to fix meals.

Every time now that I get down, I think of this time in my life. I think of the pride that I had during this time and the fact that that pride, that inability to ask for help resulted in me sleeping in my car every night.

I am so thankful God watched over me during that time and that nothing bad happened to me. I was also thankful that I was able to get out of that situation quickly. I never want to go back to living like that again.

My First Girl/Girl Experience

2009-01-02T21:46:00.004-06:00

Let me start this blog off by saying that I am not a lesbian. And there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. To each his own. I do find other women attractive. I do (in the recesses of my mind during very late hours of the night) think about what it would be like to be with another woman. I am not one of those women who walk around saying they are strictly dickly because hell, maybe there will be a time that I may be open to "something new". But I have never been with another woman except on two very rare occasions, one of which I am blogging about right now. The other, well that is another story for another time (perhaps). I do love my men, I love everything about them. But I will not rule out the possibility in the future of being with another woman and I will just leave it at that for now.

Okay.

I was young. 14 I believe. My mother's best friend's daughter was having a sleepover at her house. It was her birthday and I believe she was turning 16. So, you know how it was back in the day. My mother's best friend felt obligated to invite me to the party even though she was a few years older than me. At that point, we really didn't have anything in common. But I was happy to go because I was going to an older girls event and I wanted to see what it was like being 16. Mom dropped me off at her house that evening and the slumber party was in full swing.

We ate pizza. Danced to MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, EnVogue and others. Some of the girls snuck on the phone and called boys and stuff and I tried to listen to their intimate conversations. We played Truth or Dare and some other games and stayed up well into the night. I really don't remember falling asleep but I must have because I was awoke during the night while I was in my sleeping bag.

The following is going to be very graphic so if you are of the prudish type, do not continue:

I felt someone, a hand, unzip my bag. My heart started to pound because I didn't know if someone had broken in. An intruder of some sort. The person who was unzipping my bag could sense my tenseness and covered my mouth before I could scream. All I could hear them say was sssh.

I closed my eyes. I didn't know what to do. This person got into the sleeping bag with me and climbed on top of me. I felt her breasts against mine and I knew it was another female. My heart began to beat even faster. I was halfway turned on and halfway scared out of my ass. She guided her hands under my sleep shirt and cupped my breasts. Even at 14, my breasts were huge. She played with them, massaging the nipples and I couldn't contain the way I was feeling. Half of me wanted her to get off of me so I could go tell my mother's best friend and the other half of me was intrigued with what was going down.

After she caressed my breasts and played with my nipples, her hands found their way to my Hello Kitty panties. I couldn't stop myself from getting wet. I was so aroused at this point. I was still a virgin then, but had played with myself plenty of times to know that I absolutely enjoyed orgasms and the euphoric feeling it emitted. Without further adieu, she guided my panties down my legs and began to play with my vagina. My hips started to move with each and every stroke and I began panting and moaning. She whispered in my ear to be quiet and that is exactly what I did because I didn't want her to stop.

I wanted more.

She started to kiss me. Not tongue or anything. Just gentle pecks on my lips. I kissed her back. She kept rubbing my mound until I could feel I was at the breaking point and then she stopped. I could feel the moisture being transferred onto her and she then slid her way down the sleeping bag so that her mouth met my clit.

I was scared.

I tried to pull away but the bad girl in me wanted to know what it felt like. She licked me over and over, hitting the exact spot in which would cause me to come. It was like she knew my body better than I knew it myself. I was in sheer ecstasy. Not being able to contain it anymore, I placed my hand on her head and forced her to move faster and faster. I guess she couldn't keep up because she stopped and moved her head and began moving herself up towards my chest.

She pushed all of her weight on me and began grinding against me, moving her hips in a circular motion. I am sure by this time someone else had to be hearing us and I tried to peer through the blackness of the room to see if anymore was up but I couldn't tell from my vantage point. I heard someone snoring and someone moving in their sleeping bag but that was it. And by now I didn't care because it felt so good.

She pushed and I pushed and she thrusted and then I thrusted and all at once I felt the beginnings of the sensation and that familiar tingle let me know that it was about to go down. She bumped up against me touching THAT spot and BAM! I came. I think she did too because it was like the wind had been knocked out of both of us.

After a few minutes, she climbed back into her sleeping bag which was next to mine and we went to sleep. I could tell she was to the right of me. When we woke up that morning, I looked to my right and her bag was empty. Everyone was up but me.

I quickly got up and put on my panties which were at the bottom of my sleeping back and put on my robe. All of the girls were in the kitchen cooking pancakes and I felt left out. I was trying to see if I could get any indication that the others knew what had happened that night and if they did, no one was saying a word. My eyes danced from person to person to see if there was any connection with the girl that had just gotten me off the night before. We all had similar body types that it was hard to tell which one had been my seductress from the night before.

It was like it was a cruel joke. I had no idea who it was. I knew it was real. I knew I hadn't been dreaming and yet I didn't know who she was. And know one was saying anything.

Anyway, this bothered me for weeks. And then one day I got a call from Antoinette (my mom's best friend's daughter) who asked me if anything strange had happened that night. I told her that a girl kissed me while I was sleep, embarrassed to say what had really happened and she told me that her cousin, B.J. told her that she liked me. B.J. was gay and was at the party that night and was 18. I didn't know B.J. was gay until Antoinette told me. Then Antoinette asked me if I liked girls and I told her I didn't. Which was true. But I couldn't admit to her that I liked that connection I had with B.J. that night.

Well. I never saw B.J. again and Antoinette and I never spoke about it again either. Then we ended up moving so it wasn't a big deal anymore. I never wanted to be with another woman after that and didn't consider myself a lesbian or anything. I just chalked it up to a sexual experiment that happens to some teenagers I guess.

I had another girl/girl experience in my early 20's (in a drunken state) and maybe one day I will blog about it. Then again, maybe not. :)

Lovers. &. Friends.

2009-01-01T23:27:00.002-06:00

We all know that mixing friendship and sex and love and all of that can be a recipe for toxicity. Right now, I am feeling that I am delving into matters and situations with someone close to me that is causing me to break that forbidden and sometimes, unspoken rule.

Question:

Can men and women be friends. Platonic. No sex?

Answer:

Yes. I have several male friends with whom I am strictly friends with and we haven't gone into that forbidden territory. Of course, some will say that men and women can be friends but there is always that "want" for one or the other or both to eventually have sex. There is always that attraction. And I do agree with that to a certain extent. But I do have friends who are male that I do not feel attracted to whatsoever and they aren't attracted to me (or so they say). So let's say the jury is still out on that one.

But let's get back to the topic at hand. I have a friend who is male and the two of us have been friends for a few years. Now this is a little different because I do believe we have been attracted to each other even before I divorced (more on my divorce later). Anyway, he and I have been kicking it ALOT I would say over the past several months and it we kissed for the first time in over two years last month. It could have went farther but I think we both knew that if it did, we would be at the point of no return and neither one of us are prepared for that.

Shit. He is so cool. And we have a lot in common. We both adore music and the way to my heart, or at least the map, always involves music. And with the new year upon us, I don't want to count him out because we are such good friends. But I also don't want to ruin the wonderful friendship we have built. He is very important to me and I don't think trying to make something between us would be worth potentially damaging our friendship.

This sucks.

Tonight we spoke for a half hour or so and neither of us were confident or comfortable enough with bringing up our pending "relationship"exploring it further. But I must admit, the thought of possibly being his woman, walking beside him, holding his hand, having his back, cooking his dinner and rubbing him down at night is quite appealing. I think about it often. Although, hell, neither one of us are ready for that. He just got out of relationship a few months prior and I just divorced last October. So we are still healing from the past.

I don't wanna hold onto falsehoods. But I don't want to let go either.

I get wet when I see him. When we kissed and our bodies connected and he held me in his arms, I was ready to burst. When I am around him, I feel tingly and warm and fuzzy all at the same time. I can't front.

What's a girl to do?

My First Post Of '09. Thank You To New & Old Followers & Readers.

2009-01-01T23:13:00.003-06:00

So we finally made it. 2009 has begun and I just know that it is going to be a good year. Personally, 2008 was a watershed year for me but I am not one to continue a negative thought process, especially when a new beginning is upon us. As I blogged before in my previous post, I am looking forward to conquering a few goals and continuing to grow in many aspects including my blog and video blog and website. This blogging experience is still new for me, and I feel there is so much for me to share with the world.

To my followers and readers, I appreciate you for taking time out of your busy day to read my blog. When I first began blogging, I felt disenfranchised because I wasn't getting many comments or feedback. But what I have learned (through my stats) is my visitor count is growing daily and I have been getting a constant flow of repeat readers who are interested in what I have to say. My followers are the best! You guys always keep me on my toes and give me your ear when I am in need of an unbiased point of view. For that, I am eternally grateful and hope that I continue to entertain you and enlighten you with my reality blog. This project is not about comment count or even traffic, but more about me letting go of baggage that used to consume me everyday. I now have an outlet to release and fortunately, that outlet identifies with others.

So again, here's to '09. There is so much more for me to share, so much living to do, and so much to look forward to.

MUAH!

2008. Yeah.

2008-12-29T21:41:00.005-06:00

As the year is about to wind down come to an end, most people begin to sit back and reflect on the past year's events; the hits and misses, the mistakes, the pains, the joys, the highs, the lows, and ultimately, what could've been better in retrospect.

All-in-all, I can say that while 2008 had its challenging moments for me, I am very blessed and I am happy with what the year had to offer overall. I met some new friends whom I hope to have in my life for a very long time. I bonded with my mother and repaired our damaged relationship. I helped my family in many ways both emotionally as well as financially. I bought a new home. I found my niche in the corporate world. And I gained a new perspective about life and became closer to God. What more can you ask for?

I am not one for resolutions. For one, each year that I made a resolution, I've always broken them within a week or two. So I am going to follow in last year's footsteps and not make any resolutions this for next year as well. But I do have a few goals that I've set for myself:

Get my non-profit off the ground and invest in my own business endeavor
Get in shape. Work out on a regular basis. I have fallen off the last few months
Establish better eating habits. Less dining out and cut out the sodas (oh how I love 'em)
Finalize the revisions and edits of my novel and get it published this year, by May 1st
Less television. More ME time
Work on my son's website and help him establish his acting career
Be more frugal when it comes to spending but not lose the sponteneity
Continue to cultivate my blog and launch my personal website and vlog.
Finally go to NEW YORK CITY!

That is just a snapshot of the goals that I have set forth this year. As I accomplish these goals, I am going to refer back to this post and check-mark the goal I have completed off of the list.

What are some of the things you want to accomplish in the upcoming year? I would love to hear your goals, resolutions, hopes and dreams for the new year. Please comment and let me know what you are thinking about in terms of self improvement in the upcoming year.

I Had To. Do It.

2008-12-27T20:29:00.006-06:00

Last night was rough. I wasn't feeling well. But I was oh so horny. TINGLY. Warm and FUZZY. I tried to fight off the urge as much as I could. I even tried to put a pillow in between my legs as to control and mediate the pulses and sensations that were running amuck in that area. I squeezed my thighs together tighter thinking that with that one act, I would be able to curtail the persistent urge that radiated throughout my body and my inside.

It didn't work.

As sweat formed on my forehead in the unusually 70 degree December night heat, I opened my window and listened to the wind blow against the screen. I turned on my television and flipped to an Adult PPV. Picked the first one that looked interesting and bought it through the remote. An overwhelming since of guilt overcame me but I knew that I was at the point of no return.

My hand took a trip down south. My legs spread. And I submitted to the deed.

I have been fighting off the urge to masterbate for almost as long as I have been fighting the urge to have sex. But the intense feeling that I was experiencing would not let me go to bed without fulfilling my bodily urges. And need.

I do feel defeated and I do feel like I let myself down. I also must make sure that this sexual adventure that happened last night will not happen again anytime soon. I don't want to settle with pleasuring myself in order to get my rocks off. I don't want to fall into that all familiar pattern.

I slipped. But I am back on my feet again. We will see if I prevail tonight.

Just The Lonely. Talking. Again.

2008-12-27T20:12:00.004-06:00

Is it possible for me to have the type of love that I have dreamt about and prayed about all of my life? Is it possible for me to be truly fulfilled by another man and have in my life a true soulmate that I can bond with until the end of my days?

I would like to know. Is my quest for a fruitful relationship with another man pointless and a waste of time? I know I am such a nerd. I know I am such an idealistic individual. I want what I see in the movies and read in romance novels. I know friends, close friends, who have that in their lives. I am just wondering if I will be able to experience that for myself as well.

Just food for thought I guess. Because I can admit. I can front like I have it all. Or be truthful and admit that I am lonely.

I Need To Blog But...

2008-12-26T19:16:00.001-06:00

right now I am fighting a cold bug and not in the mood. BUT, I do want you to watch this commercial that has been running locally in my area (and several other cities). This is madness and coonery at it's best.

Let me know what you think of this foolishness being aimed at OUR people:

4 Months. And. Counting.

2008-12-23T22:48:00.005-06:00

I haven't had sex in four months. Make that four and a half months. My body is weakening but my resolve is strong. I didn't set out on a quest to be celibate or to abstain from sex. I am a spiritual person but I wouldn't say I am highly religious. I am mainly not taking part in sexual activity because I am not in a serious or committed relationship. I don't want to have a one night stand. I don't want to have casual sex. I want to be in a steady and monogamous relationship and until that happens, I will not be participating in sexual intercourse.

Oral? Well that may be another story. But that is also another topic for another time.

The last time I had sex was in August. I was dating a person whom was living in Arkansas. We were doing the long distance relationship type of thing. I guess. If you could even call it a relationship. The sex was okay, nothing to write home about. And then on my way home, I thought about it. I thought, why did I just do that? We were safe and we protected ourselves. But it wasn't just about that. Why did I give myself to someone that I really didn't have feelings for. Did I care about him? Yes. I care about all of my friends. But I wouldn't give up the panties to my friends, neither. That is why they are simply friends and not anything more.

I crossed the line and I am not going to cross it again. Mind you, I have been divorced. I was married for five years. And I dated my ex-husband for eight years prior. So this dating thing is all new to me. Again. And I see that the rules have changed. I never was one to believe in casual sex. And I am also very proud to say that I can count the number of partners I have using both my hands with several fingers left unclaimed. I have never been promiscuous but I do enjoy the act of having sex and experiencing an orgasm. Lately I have fallen back into my old habit of masterbating and watching porn which is something that I have been fighting for years, every since I was a little girl. I don't want to be a slave to sex. I want to experience making love with someone who I am in a relationship with, not a drive-by action.

I am sticking to my guns.

Which is why it has been four months. Four and a half months. And it has been hard. Especially when you are around someone who you are really attracted to. Someone that you are close to physically and kiss and hug and share intimacies with besides sex. Right now I am going through it trying to keep my sensibilities in focus. My want versus my needs are hard to distinguish at times but I still manage.

I am hoping that the drought will be over soon.

But, until then my friends, I will continue to fight the good fight. I don't want to have any regrets later, so therefore. I must keep this commitment to myself. And I am worth it.

That's My Mama

2008-12-22T10:27:00.004-06:00

Saturday night will be one to remember. After working half a day, I ran a few errands and planned to relax for the evening. I was invited to yet another Christmas party but I really wasn't interested in going and there was no RSVP required so I didn't feel bad skipping out. But anyway, Mom calls me that afternoon and asks me if I wanted to go out for drinks and dinner.

Not really. The temperature was dropping and it was getting windy. My toasty house was feeling so good but I relunctantly said yes because I knew she had been under a lot of stress personally and needed to get out the house and enjoy herself.

I was able to make last minute reservations at Magianno's at 9:15 and that gave me plenty of time to get some rest in before I had to pick up mom for dinner. Anyway, when we arrived at Magianno's we were early and our table was not ready so we sat at the bar and my mom ordered her usual Long Island ice tea and I had my usual amaretto sour.

Now let me digress a moment and tell you that my mother and I have quite a rocky past. If you read my blog post about an incident when I was 14, you would know that my mom wasn't the best mom on earth. No one would give her an award for her parenting. While growing up, my mom showed me love, but was also distant in some respects. She was high a lot which I am sure clouded her judgement. She even lost me, according to my dad, when I was 2 years old and he found me walking down a major street by myself. No, I cannot make this up!

The last five years have been a time of healing for my mom and I. In 2000, I moved to St. Louis from Florida and in 2005 after my mom went through Hurricane Rita (the follow-up after Hurricane Katrina) I went to get her from West Palm Beach and move her here. During the car trip from Florida to St. Louis, we healed many wounds. I forgave her for being a less than stellar parent. My mom was 18 when she was married and 19 when she had me. She went straight from her mother's house to living in a home with my dad and didn't understand about taking care of a home or a child. She tried many times, and I think she regretted settling down and having a kid so young. She took that out on me I think. But I no longer blame her. What's done is done and I have moved on from that former pain.

So anyway, back to present day. We are at the bar at Magiannos and she is the life of the party at the bar. Cracking jokes, talking in her patented New York accent that she always does to impress the masses. My mom is a ham and she really puts it on when she has been drinking. She kept saying this is my daughter, introducing me to everyone like I was a star of some sort. She is so cute with her mini-adoration of me. Some even commented that they thought we were sisters and not mother and daughter. But we are used to it because we get it a lot.

We were placed at a nice table in the center of the restaurant and we had a fabulous time. But, my mom was kicking back the teas like it was no one's business and pretty soon, it was apparent that she was drunk. I told her that she didn't need anymore to drink. She agreed.

My mom says she needs to go to the bathroom and before I can volunteer to help her to the bathroom, she fell while walking away from the table. Such a lush! Everyone in that area of the restuarant was gawking at us and I just smiled and kept it moving and helped her to the bathroom. Mama is not a young woman anymore and now has problems holding her liquor.

I love that woman. I do. You only get one and the one mom and I have may not be the best but she is mine. I am sure soon there will be another falling out (we tend to have our little tiffs every now and then) but we always break-up to make up. Can anyone else out there relate?

Today. Cold.

2008-12-21T17:31:00.003-06:00

I had to run a few errands today. Needed to go to the grocery store and get a few things. Also needed to visit Target and get items for my annual Christmas Eve party. My grandmother called me this morning and warned me about the temperature. Told me not to go out but you know I wasn't hearing that.

Shoulda listened to Grandma. LOL. I went out and braved the weather and it was so cold that my eyes were watering. My fingers were numb after only a few seconds of walking to the car from the store. The temperature reading on the Jeep said 7 degrees but I would bet with the wind chill that is was below zero easily.

Incidentally, today is the first day of winter and also the shortest day of the year. This could be the coldest winter ever.

Giving. Pride. & All That Comes With It.

2008-12-19T15:10:00.006-06:00

This post will not only be about the season but also about being there for friends in need. As you know, my blog consists solely on my experiences, present and past, and I not only find solace and relief in writing and receiving feedback from my readers, but keeping it real and communicating my ideas, thoughts, processes, etc.

I have a homie, a very close friend whom I have been kicking it with for a minute. This person is first and foremost a dear friend of mine and also someone who I have a romantic link to. I have even blogged about him a few times so you guys are well aware of who he is and where he stands in my life. Anyway, he and I spoke on Tuesday and I asked him what he had for lunch and he told me he hadn't eaten a thing. I asked him why not. And he himm'd and haw'd and then said he didn't have any money for lunch. I was like whoa, no money? That's not like him to not be holding anything. And then he told me that he had some issues with the bank because of electronic debits and whatnot and he was informed by the bank via text message earlier that day that he currently had a negative balance. And the kicker was he had just been paid but because his balance was in the red, most of his check went to fees and the rest went to bills and whatnot. He only gets paid once a month.

I paused because first of all, I have been there in the past and know what is like to not have anything. I was waiting for him to ask to borrow some money. I wasn't going to just offer it up like that. He and I have spoken of being prideful in the past--he accused me of showing too much pride during numerous exchanges he and I had. So I wanted to call the kettle black and see if he was also had a pride issue. We continued the conversation and he didn't ask me to borrow anything. We ended the phone call and he told me to call him later that night, which I did and he didn't answer.

I called him on Wednesday and he didn't answer as well. I left a message. I began to feel something fishy was going on because we talk like everyday. I was wondering if he wasn't calling me because I didn't offer to let him borrow the money. That feeling nagged me all through Thursday and the beginning of today.

So I was thrilled when I received a message on Myspace from him. He said his celly had been cut off due to non-payment but that he could receive incoming calls and he has been waiting on me to call. I picked up my cell and called him and then I got a recording that said that the customer I dialed was not available.

Complete disconnect.

So I found an old e-mail with his work number and tried to reach him there and got his voicemail. I told him to call me.

He called a few hours later and I didn't beat around the bush. I knew times were hard for him and now he didn't have his wireless access. I offered to wire him some money, enough to get him through a few days. If he needed more in the future, we would discuss it. He changed the subject for awhile and we caught up, but I went back to discussing the money because he was being prideful. I wanted him to accept it. I also told him that he was always talking to me about my pride but he also had some issues with that.

He then got off of his high horse and told me he needed the money. And he was thankful and grateful that I would come through for him like that.

I have talked about this before and discussed this with NightFall914, in that I am giver 300%. I have always been like that and I give way more than I receive. But that is not the point for me. I enjoy giving, enjoy helping others, even if the roles were reversed, they probably wouldn't help me. I don't give because I want reprosity. I give because I want to. Because I need to. And if you have it available, why not?

During this season and time of year, we get all doped up on Christmas gifts and wanting and salivating over materialistic items. And yes, I am part of that group as well. But it is better to give than receive and I work at that everyday, not only during this time of year, but 365. There is no one on this planet that can say I am not a giver and not true to my word when I do offer help.

We can also use an angel at some point in our lives. Today, I was that angel, I put a band-aid on it and I kissed the boo-boo. Halo please!

Gravity.

2008-12-18T12:02:00.007-06:00

An encounter yesterday left me bewildered and a little saddened. I have to unleash this incident out of my soul so I can be free of it.

I hate to be redundant, but for my new readers or to those that don't follow me on Twitter, I am a property manager for two apartment complexes in the St. Louis area. Anyway, everyday, I come in contact with many people from various walks of life. I love the type of job I have because it allows me flexibility with my schedule and I also get to incorporate my knowledge (and degrees) in both PR and Human Services with my tenants and prospective residents. Anyway, this entry is not about my gig, but about something that so left a bad taste in my mouth that I must share it with you.

I have a young resident that is a single mother. For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Renee. Now Renee is a stripper in a bar in East St. Louis. Of course I know this because I had to verify her rental history as well as her employment status and income. Anywho, that is not really a big deal. I have residents that do all types of things, and as long as they can document their income and pass a thorough criminal background and credit check, and make three times the amount of rent, they will be approved. So Renee has been living in my complex for almost two years. She pays her rent on time for the most part and I don't hear much from her which I like. In any event, her neighbor informed me a few weeks ago that Renee had a dog in her apartment, a rottweiler which is against her lease. We do allow pets BUT they must be under 20 pounds and the resident must pay a pet fee security deposit of $350.00. They also must pay an extra $25 per month pet rent and submit accurate and up to date health records on the dog and we do not allow specific breeds such as pit bulls or rots. So when this neighbor came to me and told me Renee had a dog, I had to do some investigating.

I tried to track down Renee for a few weeks and I also tried to call her and she was dodging my calls. I finally saw her yesterday while I was walking the grounds and cornered her in a very professional way. I asked her if she had a dog because there had been a complaint and she instantly got on the defensive. I began to tell her that if she had a dog and it was not on the approved pet breed list, she would have to get rid of it or we would be forced to terminate a herlease letter and find somewhere else to stay.

That is where, my friends, it got hectic. She began cursing me out (I won't repeat it because you all know the types of words that are used in this situation and they aren't very nice). But basically she called me all kinds of bitches and hoes and whatnot. Very loudly. Trying to keep my cool, I warned her that I wasn't going to finish the conversation if she didn't calm down and stop disrespecting me with all of this foolishness and she had the nerve to tell me, "Well, you think you are all that but you ain't. With all that white girl talk."

Now the old me, the old immature reckless me, would've gotten physical and would've connected my fist to her face but I had to keep composure. Everything was in my court. I had the upper hand because I could terminate the lease just off of that and go about my business and let the Sheriff serve her eviction papers by Monday. But I tried reasoning with her because I knew she was young and dumb and misguided and not quite thinking clearly about what she was doing. I asked Renee once more if she had a dog and she told me she was dogsitting. I told her to have the dog removed within 24 hours or my attorney would file papers in the courts for posession of the property.

Her response.

"Bitch, I wish you would."

It was then that I walked away. Walked back to my office to notify my attorneys that I needed them to file posession paperwork STAT. What is wrong with this girl, and so many others that think the world owes them something? Thinks that everyone is against them? Girls who don't know how to have a professional conversation without getting heated and using profanity? Girls who's souls are so lost and they use the pain they are experiencing to inflict pain on others? We as Black women get pulled down every day by society and the media enough. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I have a business to protect so I have to do what I have to do. I guess Renee is just another Lost One. Chalk it up again to the game.

Tell Me Somethin Good

2008-12-17T22:29:00.003-06:00

Mood: Anxious. Pensive.

Status: In full holiday mode. Tackling the last few gifts so I can shut the credit cards down.

Wear: Jeans and t-shirt. Just cleaned the living room so I am far from looking cute.

Hair: Two ponytails. I know. School girl chic.

Music: Common. Come Close. With Mary J.

Place: Sofa in living room. Laptop action.

Next move: Meeting with a web designer to work on getting my website up. Hella excited.

Last text I sent: It's kinda long so I don't want to type it right now. Something about tools. From Sears. Craftsman. And setting up lottery stands. I told you. You would have to be there.

To Who: Que

Random Notes: Blog is getting mad love. Thanks a million! Just downloaded Tweet Deck because my friend Lex told me it was the bomb. And she is right. Way user friendly and better than using the regular Tweet. Everything is nice and organized. Wondering what I am going to wear tomorrow. Got to go to the cleaners. Still have to make that eye appointment. I want to go see Seven Pounds. Love me some Will Smith. Who can I go with? That is a good question. I am so happy the weekend is almost upon us. This TMSG is kinda boring but that is how it goes sometime, huh?

MUAH!

My First Orgasm

2008-12-17T00:00:00.001-06:00

As I previously blogged in another post, I did not experience my first orgasm from actual sexual intercourse until I was 25. For more on my sexual hang-ups , you can click HERE. But in the meantime, I would like to take this opportunity to discuss and share with you the musings of the first time I came during sex. And yes, this is a true story. No fakery.

I was living in South Carolina at the time and I met a guy a few years younger than me named Amp at the local supermarket. He was tall, about 6'4 to my 5'5 frame and we hit it off instantly. There was a silent attraction between the two of us. Amp wasn't the usual type of guy that I dated during that time. I hate to say this but if I am going to keep it real, I must disclose that during that unfortunate time in my life up to that point, I dated dope boys, thugs, street villains. Big gorilla swole type nikkuhs who possibly could've been on that Barry Bonds at one point. Amp wasn't squeaky clean, don't get me wrong. He had a normal job that required a W-2 but I know he did a little somethin somethin on the side, but he was hardly a professional street pharmacist. Anyway, Amp was a skinny fella. Handsome. But I was a thick girl and I needed a dude that could pick me up and ram me and ish. A dude that worked out. But Amp wasn't in that mode. But he was attractive. And since the chemistry was off the chain, I decided to give him some.

Mind you, when I let him inside my sugar walls, I hadn't had sex for almost six months. So ya girl was ready for some action. Hot sex on a platter type of ish. So anyway, I was living with my father at the time. This was right after I was homeless (more on that later). Anywho, my dad went to sleep and I invited Amp in for a drink. My dad's guestroom was on the other side of the house so we slipped in gingerly and I locked the door behind us.

I remember letting my hands glide over his chest as I took off his shirt. He was a skinny guy but he had defined muscles on his chest and upper body. He wasn't the bird chest type, and that turned me on because I felt more confident he could handle me. His chest was smooth without an ounce of hair. I figured he shaved or whatnot. I kissed his chest while massaging it. He took off my top and unhooked my bra in one motion. My large breasts were exposed to him and pointing like headlights. He sucked the hell out of my nipples and I began to feel euphoric. It was at this time that I knew I wasn't dealing with your average Joe. He knew how to work my body slowly. And he knew where to touch and how, and the exact amount of pressure that needed to be used.

Amp had some massive bedroom game.

We made our way to the bed and he took of my jeans and then my panties. He stood back and looked at me through the moonlight which was peeking through my window. Before I reached the point of no return, I leaned over and turned on the small stereo which sat on the nightstand next to the bed so that if i got loud, Pops wouldn't hear me. Amp pryed my legs open and began eating me out. He was slow but methodic and thorough, and he worked his mouth on me something serious. I hadn't had oral action like that in my life (up until that point)!

After teasing my neenah with his tongue and almost bringing me to a climax, he slipped on the rubber that he had and turned me on my stomach. He laid on top of me rubbing his member on my ass and then entered me. Slow at first. And then harder and harder with each thrust, pulling out after every several thrusts until I begged him to put it back in.

It was then that it seemed like he picked me up and held me, his member sliding around between my legs, not fully entering me. I couldn't take it anymore and I reached for it and he threw me down and stood back.

"Is this what you want, Danni?"

I shook my head.

"I ain't hear you. Is this what you want Danni?"

"Yes! Yes, I want it!"

I didn't say nothing but a word. It was then that he got on top of me and thrusted his large dick inside of me. Say what you want about "skinny" men, but it has been my experience that they pack heat ALL DAY. So Amp was working with almost more than I could handle. It had been 6 months so it hurt like heck when he rammed it in, but after a few strokes, the pain subsided and it began to feel better and better.

Yes.

And with each stroke I got warmer and warmer and I could feel my toes tingle. I could feel everything from the inside out and I was about to errupt. He continued to enter me full force until I couldn't take it anymore and before you knew it, I felt that familiar tingle and then the tightening of my muscles as I climaxed.

It was the first time. I had an orgasm. During sex.

I felt like I could cry. But I didn't. I lay there as he got off top of me and lay beside of me out of breath himself, covered in sweat. We fell asleep for like an hour or so and then awoke back up from round two where I experienced a series of orgasms.

Amp slipped quietly out of my room in the early hours of dawn and I continued these late night trysts until I moved away to St. Louis a few months later.

That was and still is the greatest sex I ever had.

Amp and I still talk to this day. Every few weeks. We discuss our past sexual actvities with fondess, both of us wondering if we will ever meet again to pick up where we left off. You just never really know these things.

Cocaine. Binges. Pack-up. Move.

2008-12-16T00:00:00.002-06:00

I have been having the same dream ever since I was 14 years old. I run into the street covered in blood screaming for someone to help me. I yell at the top of my lungs as loud as I can pleading for someone to hear me and they never do. I can hear the quiet of the night, the dogs in the neighborhood barking, the crickets chirping, the wind whistling in the late night Arizona skies. I look behind me and I can feel his presence and before I know it, he slams me to the ground and gets on top of me. Before I am able to move, he covers my mouth and I feel the harshness of suffocation.

I usually awake from the nightmare at this point screaming out loud and in a cold sweat. I never really get to the point where he kills me; I don't think the channels in my mind or my thought process would allow it. In my mind I am a fighter, I am chosen to live. And therefore, in this instance, my life cannot be taken away from me.

This dream stems from a real-life event that happened in February of 1990. My mother and I were staying in an apartment home in Phoenix, Arizona while my father was working in Memphis, Tennessee on a contract. We had been separated for several months and due to this, my mother (and I later found out my father) were having affairs and living separate lives. I of course was immersed in my life of being a Freshman and wasn't really paying attention to the obvious decline of my parent's marriage.

Anyway, on this young February night, my mother had a guest over. I don't remember his name but he was this smooth looking chocolate colored cat from the other side of town. Anyway, my mother was in the living room entertaining this dude and I was in my bedroom trying to block it out, doing what 14 year old girls do at that time, like talking on the phone, watching videos and reading magazines. Doing my nails. All of that shit. I don't think I paid much attention to my mom's guest. I wasn't stupid. I knew her game. But I wanted her to be happy so I played along knowing if my dad knew about this set-up, he would be more than 38-hot.

I remember going to bed around 11 that night. I was all geeked up about this Valentine's Day dance that was coming up at high school. This smooth dude asked me to go to the dance and I was all happy and stuff, plotting in my mind what I would wear and how I was going to do my hair. All of that young puppy love type ish.

I remember hearing this blood curdling scream and it awoke me from my peaceful slumber. It was something out of the movie Psycho, only it wasn't a flick. It was my mom's voice. I jumped up out of my bed and ran to the living room and all I could see in the darkness with the moonlight streaming through the window was blood on the wall and my mother laying on the floor. The dude looked at me and then ran out the door leaving it wide open. I got enough courage to go and close the door and lock it and then tended to my mother who was holding her right eye. He had punched her with so much force in her eye that it was nearly hanging out the socket.

I called 911. Then called my mom's best friend Tanya because I didn't know what to do. My mom was crying and in so much pain. She couldn't even talk. I remember getting a towel for her to hold her eye and soak the blood. I was scared but I wasn't crying. I was like a robot, a programmed soldier. The police came in like 10 minutes and my mom's best friend came in right behind them. They took a report and my mother was sent off to Thunderbird Hospital in Glendale.

I stayed with Tanya at the apartment, and the next day, a plain clothes policeman followed me and watched me while I stood at the bus stop, just in case this idiot of a man tried to come back and do something to me. My mom was in the hospital for a week and they performed two surgeries on her eye. My father was told about the incident and immediately flew to Arizona where I was told he was looking for ole boy, although I never saw him when he came. The whole thing was a blur.

Then I was told we had to move. Out of state. Back to Memphis where my dad was. And if you know anything about me or have read my blogs before, this was a pattern that still affects me to this day.

I was so strong that day for my mom and I. I felt like that was when the roles reversed. It was like from that day forward, I became the mom and she became the daughter. And at 14, that was a lot of pressure. I hated leaving my friends. My school. The constant day-to-day of life. But I knew that in order for my parents marriage to work, we needed to all be together in one house under one roof. I had to give up my peace to save my family.

This whole thing happened because my mom and this guy were on a cocaine binge. My mother always smoked pot and had recently got into "harder" stuff like blow and speed. I think old boy may have been doing crack while in the apartment. And I don't know if he clicked or what but he hit my moms, almost destroying her face, and he was never caught. My mom and I haven't talked about this incident since it happened, and this is the first time I have really talked about it in depth.

But every once in awhile, I have that dream and I am face-to-face with him and he kills me. But in real life I got away. And in real life, I am a true survivor.

Cold As Ice!

2008-12-15T10:12:00.007-06:00

Wow, the weather outside is frightful. Your girl is off today (I always have Mondays off) and the school's are closed and it is brutal. Basically, we are told to not go outside unless you HAVE to. Here are a few photos of my vantage point. And please NOTE. The substance on the road in front of my house is not snow. It is ice! And it is a beast. Be careful out there if you are in the area. Sorry about the poor quality of these photos but I am not ready to set foot outside (we have single digit temps) so I took them on the BlackBerry from the window. :)

Tell Me Somethin Good-2 AM Morning Edition

2008-12-15T02:06:00.004-06:00

Mood: Angelic (thanks Fresh)

Status: Ready to take over the world. Sleeves are rolled up. I'm in my b-boy stance.

Wear: T-shirt, boy shorts.

Hair: Down. I have "pageant hair" from earlier.

Music: Kanye West. Say You Will. My favorite song of the moment.

Place: Sofa in living room. Laptop action.

Next move: I put it out there. Let's see what I get back.

Last text I sent: 'Goodnight'.

To Who: Ole boy.

Random Notes: I can hear the sleet hitting the window pane. Tomorrow i going to be a beast outside. Luckily i am off work and can stay at home to avoid the commute madness. I was called an angel tonight. I feel very honored with the title. I try to put out more than I get back. I live by that code, but more often than not, I don't get back HALF of what I give. I guess I am a sucker. But I also believe in seeing the good in people. Which is why I always get chopped and screwed. I am not going to allow that, though, to stop me from doing what I can for people. For those in need. If it bites me in the ass later, it's okay. I'm a big girl now. I can take it.

Special Dedication

2008-12-15T00:17:00.000-06:00

Reflections Of: The Way Life Used To Be

2008-12-13T11:51:00.003-06:00

I have been very reflective lately. It could be from the wine I injested at a Christmas Party I attended earlier but I have been thinking a lot about my past. In order to really get to know me and how I work mechanically in terms of my thought process, you must understand my past and where I come from. My true essence and development is wrapped up in many years of going everywhere but not going anywhere at all. Let me explain.

I was born in St. Louis, Missouri and in 1982, when I was seven, my father got a job offer in Houston and we moved. After that we moved to several other cities such as Las Vegas, Phoenix, Memphis, Jacksonville, Tampa, Ft. Lauderdale and South Carolina. I went to six elementary schools and five high schools. To say I became a chameleon in my environment is an understatement. I spent my young life being the person I was supposed to be depending on the situation and mood of the area. For instance, when I lived in Phoenix for five years, I was a valley girl. When I moved to Memphis, I was a 'hood girl. When I moved to Florida, I became a beach bum. South Carolina? The southern belle. On and on it went. It took me until I was about 25 or 26 to know and understand who I really was and be able to truly define the real me.

All of that moving around really did a number on me mentally if you think about it. I didn't have a center, a true home. I didn't have structure. The longest place that I lived as a child was 5 years and that was Phoenix, Arizona. As soon as I began to feel comfortable and sure of myself, then my dad announced we were moving. I could never really feel like I had a "home". We were nomads, meandering throughout the country trying to find ourselves. I don't even think my parents understood how that would shape my life in a negative way.

I wanted stability. I wanted structure. I wanted peace and security. I thought I had found all of that when I met and fell in love with my first love, Ronald Lorenzo Davis. I was in Jacksonville. We met through a mutual friend. Over the course of a year, we went from friends to as serious as you could be at that age. He was three years older. He was like a father figure. I trusted, loved, and respected him. But then it got cloudy. And my parents announced we were moving away. My heart felt torn.

I was a divided soul. Living in central Florida but longing to be in Jacksonville. We did the phone thing. I ran up the bill to over $1500.00. I even ran away a few times to see him. Took the Greyhound. I wanted to be with him so much. I didn't care. My parents gave me an ultimatum.

I moved on with hesitation. Then when I was 17, met and fell in love with my son's father. Again, someone else who was like a father figure to me. 4 years older. He had a lot going on for himself. I got completely wrapped up in him. When he asked me to carry his seed, I instantly said yes. There were no questions. I thought that the love we shared would last forever. Suffice to say, in 4 short years, it was over.

I became involved with these men (and some after) searching for someone to give me a foundation. I was looking for it in an individual when I should've been looking inside myself for these answers. I struggled to hold onto people that weren't worthy because I just wanted everything to be the same. I had so much change in my life, so leaving would be just another change I had to face. Didn't want to do it. And over time, I kept myself in situations in which I should've gotten myself the hell away from.

I look back on my life from this point, and wonder what it would've been like had I of stayed in one place like most people. I think I would be centered and more focused. But I also know the lessons learned while growing up in such volitility and change has made me a better person. I've been around. I've lived in every climate. I have traveled. Seen things that most don't. And so I am grateful. I wouldn't change the roads I have taken for nothing in the world.

As this year comes to an end, I continue to reflect on how my life has changed. Evolved. Grown. I went from a shorty, to a woman-child, to a woman of all seasons who holds it down for her family. I am still evoolving. Still growing. Still learning. Still seeking. Still transisitioning. I am happy in the place I am now. And I look forward to continuing the journey that lay ahead...

Your Ego (A Rant)

2008-12-12T12:39:00.005-06:00

This ego thing is out of control. It is causing a particular person in my life to play games, water down, dumb down, his feelings. This person isn't a liar by any means BUT if he doesn't tell me how he really feels, isn't that the same as lying? He is a man and I am a woman and you would think that would be enough for the both of us to keep it 100 at all times but it seems that it is not.

Ego's getting in the way and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

We met sometime ago. So this isn't something new. This isn't a new path or a new journey or a new anything. It was before but it's not now. Now is the time when we sit down and talk and determine which direction we are to go. Now he can sit there and act like he doesn't have any feelings for me or we are just friends or homies or buddies or pen pals but the fact of the matter is pretending is for children. I long for the opportunity to share my world with him. I don't want to be his woman but I could. I don't want to be serious but I could. I don't have to have these things but, yes, it would be nice.

Ego's getting in the way.

There are things that have been spoken between us, and yet there are things that haven't. The unsaid is more powerful. There is a connection, an inate force the brought us together but I am willing to bet that same force can tear us apart. I want to be done but I also want to give Mr. Ego one last chance to see if he can hop off of his high horse and show me some love. Anything. A sign. Wave a banner. Send an e-mail. A text. Write it in the sky.

There are more questions than answers, but hell, I am tired of making the first move. I've chased pavements a little too long. Maybe I've run out of concrete. And maybe you've changed. Adieu.

Happy Anniversary!

2008-12-12T09:04:00.002-06:00

It's official! Make Blog Not War is now one full month old!

Dope, huh?

Thanks to all of my readers, supporters, fellow bloggers, etc. for showing me love and offering your feedback, guidance, and understanding. I am sincerely grateful. As I have blogged before, I have started many blogs just to stop writing in them after the first few days or weeks because I lost focus and direction. I feel now that with the tools I have and the need to express my innermost thoughts and perspective on various subjects, Make Blog Not War will perservere and continue to grow and expand.

MBNW is still in its infancy and I am still finding my voice and my style. Please bare with me while I meander through everything in order to really set the tone for my blog.

I don't write the blog for popularity or for fame. I wanted a place on the web that was unique so that I could share my world, my thoughts, my life with the world. This is the place that I now call home and I am so comfortable everyday exploring the topics in which I want to discuss. I look forward to taking this journey with you.

*MUAH*

Tell Me Somethin Good

2008-12-11T23:27:00.002-06:00

Mood: Pissed and disappointed.

Status: Mutiltasking and trying to keep from plotting revenge.

Wear: T-shirt and pajama pants. Very unglam.

Hair: In a bun. Got my specs on for a nerdy effect.

Music: 112. Cupid. Go figure. Listening to a mix CD.

Place: Sofa in living room. Laptop action.

Next move: Trying to forget him. He's forgotten me.

Last text I sent: 'Whatever'.

To Who: What's His Face.

Random Notes: Need to stop allowing people in my life who just aren't worthy. I have no time for users, abusers, liars, and such. Say what you mean and mean what you say and don't try to make me feel like I am in the wrong. You almost penetrated my force field but I am so glad I didn't let my guard down. You no longer get no love. Only voice mail and delete. Ciao!

Foreclosure Is Not A Joke...

2008-12-11T16:20:00.006-06:00

Recently, the blogosphere has been buzzing regarding NeNe Leakes so-called "eviction" from the home that was featured in Real Housewives of Atlanta. A local news station even dug deeper into NeNe's residential status and blew the whistle off of her "eviction" and current finances. Now I do not think that fronting on a major television show on cable TV is a way to make it to the top, but it is working for NeNe. Even though she doesn't have a pot to piss in so to speak (heard she is now renting another home but I've always wanted to type pot to piss in), she was able to be a part the highest rated shows in Bravo TV history and that says alot. They fronted, and we watched. (suckers)

But alas, the last few days, reports have surfaced that Fantasia Barrino and Tionne 'T Boz' Watkins are both losing their homes due to foreclosure. Wyclef is in foreclosure for a home that hasn't even been built, and producer Scott Storch has experienced residential woes as well with his Miami mansion. This recession is real folks, and it is not a joke. Just because they are "stars" and they have more money than most of us doesn't mean that they aren't human and aren't subject to financial gaffes predicated by poor money management and lack of knowledge regarding the balancing of incoming and outgoing funds. It's not a joke for anyone to lose their home, star or not, so I don't know why some bloggers find this funny. And of course Fantasia and the like can probably go out and rent another home without any problems, but it still doesn't mean they won't take a hit on their credit in the years to come. I think all of this foreclosure mess is sad and is far from comedy.

But that is just my opinion.

I have a family member that almost lost their home to foreclosure and it had nothing to do with them not paying the mortgage, but with the subprime loan that was purchased without their knowledge and required a balloon payment every several months. Instead of laughing about such matters, let's learn the mortgage products that are out there so we won't get screwed again. Let's teach our children the value of a dollar and how to take care of business and save so they too can have their own home one day. Let's learn to live within our means and not get a big a$$ house that we really don't need or cannot afford. Let's recycle the Black dollar and buy from our own so that we can keep the money circulating in our own communities and build up our businesses. Those are the types of things we should be doing instead of tearing one another down and making fun of someone else's downfall.

Food for thought.

It's An 80's Christmas!

2008-12-11T11:11:00.004-06:00

Of course Christmas is almost here, and I thought what better way to celebrate it than to transport back to 1985 (like my best Christmas ever!) when I was 10 years old and list the things I got that year. Maybe you can relate, or just make fun of my old ass, or add a few toys and gadgets that you got or that I left off the list. This should be fun!

Sidenote: Hey old heads, do you remember the JC Penney Wish Book that would come in the mail? You would circle what you wanted and give it to your parents. LOL. Those were the days!

Teddy Ruxpin was the ish! He talked and moved and I thought he was the best. Of course my favorite gift was a toss up between my Atari (I got Centipede, Ms. Pac Man, and Android with the console), and my Cabbage Patch who, legend tells me, my mother fought three women for and was booked on assault charges and put on probation. Also the Barbie dream house was a close favorite too. No one on the block had one. The Optiumus Prime Transformer was a gift my dad bought me. LOL. He always wanted a boy.

The Pleasure Principle

2008-12-10T10:41:00.003-06:00

...and I am not talking about the Janet song. I am talking about the principle in which two people who are kicking it have an understanding which is basically eff buddies 101. You do your thing, I do mine. And when we feel the need, we execute the pleasure principle.

The reason why I as is because this "proposition" has been presented to me a few times by the same gentleman and I turned it down. I told a girlfriend of mine while driving to work this morning that I said NO to him, and she thought I was a prude because I wasn't down with getting the D without any strings attached. She understands that right now I really don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, but is tired of hearing me say that I am missing some good bedroom action and she thought that my homie's "proposition" would ease my sexual tension. And she is right. But it's not just about easing my frustration with getting a good nut.

Like, I can't do anything halfway. I know some ninjas out there that can do that. They are satisfied with giving just 50% or 65% or some ish like that. But not your girl! When I do something, I want to do it right and I don't want to have a "buddy" whom I kick it with and then let it go down. If I can't have the relationship with the sex, then I don't want any part of it. It's like all or nothing. Am I crazy for feeling like that?

I dunno. Right now, I am in a place in my life where I want to focus on me and only me. I don't want a relationship because I am not ready to give that part of me to someone else. I've been through a lot this past year and I need to explore things by myself before I delve into the girlfriend/boyfriend thing. So no sex. 'Cause for me, sex without strings is a recipe for disaster. Someone is going to catch feelings (usually me) and then it's all downhill from there. Why even bother with that foolishness? Love games are so predictable.

I did say no to the pleasure principle. As much as I crave it, want it, think about it, and NEED it, nothing good is going to come of it. So I will stay on the solo tip for now until something magnificent this way comes. I am not settling this time. NO WAY. And it's okay to be alone. No drama. No worries. Good times.

The Bish Is So Heartless

2008-12-10T10:20:00.006-06:00

Someone told me this was girlfriend season BUT it seems more like heartbreak season around these parts. If one more fella tells me that their woman is on some other ish, I will pass the hell out. I guess all the break-ups must come before Christmas so peeps can save their duckets since they don't have to buy their girl a gift OR they can still unwrap it and take it since they still have the receipt because there is like, 15 days before the big day? The love thing is stoned right now, officially. So glad that I am not in that category for the moment.

But enjoy a little 'Yeezy for your afternoon heartbreak and even though you and your girl are no longer an item, I am sure you will be at the club in a few weeks meeting a new tender. Mark the tape F-R-E-S-H. (LOL--yes, I am talking 'bout u).

Say what you want about 808's, Kanye brought it with Heartless. Yup!

Oh and to read what 'Ye had to say about his "supposed" poor record sales (I think that 450,000 units in this day and age during the first week is good outstanding but that's just me. You know I stan for Kanye), click HERE.

Rod Blagojevich- Sit'cho Ass Down (Updated)

2008-12-09T11:06:00.009-06:00

While driving to work this morning, I was listening to NPR and they broke into the program to announce that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had just been arrested for "unspecified" charges. I immediately called my homie in the Chi to inquire about the arrest and he hadn't heard anything. I then told him to send me a text when he had the word on the street.

According to Yahoo, Blagojevich was arrested and is in FBI custody for curruption charges stemming from trying to gain money for the appointment for the sucessor for Obama's senate seat. Oh boy! The ish has hit the fan and hot grits is falling everywhere in the Chi. HOPEFULLY, no one else (um...Jesse Jackson Jr.) will be implicated in this probe (Blagojevich's Chief of Staff was arrested as well). Apparently, the Governor's phone coversations have been recorded, including conversations with Barack Obama, whom, after the Governor concluded their call, proceeded to tell his staff eff Obama. DAMN. Harsh eh? And if other folks are involved, it will come out in the wash just like always. The Feds are going hard after the Governor, who has one of the lowest approval ratings in Illinois history.

Also, word on the street (so remember to take this with a grain of salt) is that President Elect Obama's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, may have been the one to tip-off the Feds. Is that so, Rahm? You are indeed keeping it real if that is the case.

Damn Blagojevich, things were going so well (Obama-ly speaking)and you had to go and eff it up. Please resign and most importantly, sit'cho ass down!

For more updates on this explosive situation, click HERE.

2008...What Did It Teach You?

2008-12-09T10:31:00.007-06:00

A friend and I had dinner in Chicago and during the conversation, she asked me on a scale of 1 to 10, how would I rate 2008. After giving it some careful thought, I advised that I would give it a 7. 2008 was a good year, with some downs but mostly ups. I can't really complain about it because while a lot of people lost a lot in 2008 (jobs, savings, homes, etc.) I did not. All in all, it was a really good year and was better than 2007 was to me. 2008 taught me a lot about myself and others and I think it has shaped me in the long term as far as my constitution. Here is just a sample of what the year 2008 has taught me:

Patience- I am the most impatient person you will probably ever meet. Strike that. I was the most impatient person. Through several instances this year, I learned that in order to be a better person, I must be patient. It is not all about ME and when I want it and HOW I want it. Good things come to those who wait. I've been catered to for the most part all of my life and became accustomed to not having to wait for what I want. 2008 has shown me that for the really good things in life, and no I am not talking about posessions; I am talking about relationships, friends, cultivation of self, etc., that patience is indeed an accessory that must be used in order to move forward.

Worth- I now know my worth. I now feel comfortable excluding those in my life who are not worth my time, my friendship, my genorosity, etc. For many years, I gave to those who were undeserving because I didn't have the backbone to simply say NO. Through several incidences this year, I finally grew a spine and saw people for what they were, no sugarcoating involved. So 2008 has shown me that those who are unworthy of me and my time should not get it. Period, point blank. And also, my worth is measured by ME, not by others definintion of what is should be or what is in their OPINION. Opinions are like @ss...(fill in the blank). Everyone has one. I am now no longer worried about anyone else's opinion of me but MINE.

Independence- I have always prided myself in the past for being independent but I really wasn't. Yeah I had my own car, paid my own bills, etc., but I wasn't really independent. I was holding onto people who I really didn't need to hold onto because I was afraid of being alone. Now I really don't care if I am alone or not. I actually like being alone. I like not going out every Friday night. I like spending time with just Me, Myself, and I. I don't need an audience all of the time. I feel good about that, 'cause in spending time with myself, I have grown as a person. And I have grown my relationship with God.

Direction- I have meandered about throughout life. Going nowhere but then going everywhere. I now have a constitution. I now know where I want to go. I now am no longer predicated on where EVERYONE else is going. My vision is on-point and focused on MY future and the future on my son and daughter. Everything else is out the window, including everyone else's directional plans for me. I have an agenda and mandate which is in force daily, and it will take me to where I want to be in the next year or two.

Womanhood- I am a grown ass woman. I have been for years of course, but saying you are a woman and being a woman are two different things. Womanhood doesn't just come with age and your biological clock and womanly parts. It also stems from your atttitude, your demeanor, how you carry yourself, etc. I used to talk the talk but I didn't (or couldn't) walk the walk per se. I feel that with each passing day, I grow into the woman that my Grandmother was when she was my age. I handle business, take care of family, hold it down at work and home, all while confident. I am not saying I don't have times of doubt, but as time passes, the days of doubt become less and less and I feel more powerful about the decisions I make and the direction I am headed.

What has 2008 taught you?

Attraction Doesn't Always = Relationships

2008-12-08T11:48:00.003-06:00

BUT...

Dig this.

He is attracted to me. I am attracted to him.

He is affectionate. More than most. And he cares.

I care.

We haven't had sex yet and we have talked about it. And we aren't going to.

We have the best conversations EVER!

All of this, and it doesn't = a relationship.

Waste of time?

Or is it okay in this instance to be all of the above and still be friends? Your take?

Cadillac Records

2008-12-08T11:12:00.007-06:00

I had the opportunity to view Cadillac Records last night while in Chicago and I must say, while my expectations were low, the movie really was well acted, directed, and produced. It was also visually stunning and captured the true essence of that era. The music and the actors complimented each other beautifully, and you could tell that although everyone was trying to one-up the other one, the competition made an okay script come to life.

Beyonce gave a better performance in this flick than she did in Dreamgirls, and in some scenes, she was actually believable as a young Etta James (although visual wise, Etta was a heaver girl than Bee portrayed). Jeffrey Wright hit another slam dunk with his rendition of Muddy Waters. His acting was so on point, you actually think you are watching Muddy himself. Adrien Brody played a sympathetic version of Chess Records founder Leonard Chess as well, but I had the feeling that the script lacked a true synopsis of the dimensional contradictions of the real Chess. Mos Def was oh so believable as Chuck Berry. He had the look and Chuck's voice down to a science, and I wouldn't be surprised if he garnered a few nods for best supporting actor in the Globes or Oscars. The standout, though, was Columbus Short's portrayal of Little Walter. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN. He stole the whole damn movie, IMO. If he is not nominated for some type of award, then I don't know. Cadillac Records became HIS film. He shined throughout, and I even shed a tear at his demise (won't give the movie away for those who haven't seen it). Gabrielle Union (who is not a top tier actress by any stretch of the imagination) was a force of emotion with the character of Geneva Wade, Muddy Waters' wife (or common law wife because from what I saw, the movie really didn't specify if they were indeed married or not).

What this movie showed in great and explicit detail, was not just the rise of a prolific blues label during a turbulent time in America, but the behind the aspects of the background of real life Black musicians and singers and especially what they had to deal with while on tour (racism, sex, etc, payola, money issues) and the theft of their music by white artists.

Go out and see this flick. You will not be disappointed.

Weekend Notes

2008-12-06T13:04:00.004-06:00

Ya girl will be in Chi-town this weekend for business. I may also kick it as well. We'll see how it goes. Anywho, I will be updating my blog whilst I am there and taking some flicks too! The forecast is calling for snow and it is mad cold there so I dunno about hitting the streets but I also know that the Windy City has so much to do and the nightlife is crazy so I cannot see myself staying indoors the entire time.

Have a safe weekend. Also, please visit me on TWITTER where I will be sharing my random thoughts as I do all weekend long. I love me some Twitter because I can do random updates ANYWHERE without having to be at my laptop or at my desk.

Have a good one!

Are People Still On BlackPlanet?

2008-12-06T12:09:00.003-06:00

Please excuse my ignorance on such things but I received a message on AIM (damn, can't believe I logged into it today for the first time in a year) and this person was asking me to look at their pictures on BP. I giggled and almost spit out my McDonald's sweet tea (my ultimate joy besides copping a bad pair of heels) because I didn't even know people were still on that joint. Maybe I am the one that is behind?

Back in the early to mid 00's, I had a page on BP. Man, the notes I used to get! Freaking pervs and lesbians. Nothing against lesbians, mind you, but there wasn't anything on my page that signified that I was of that sexual persuasion. It seemed as if it was a place to meet a bed buddy. That's all it was! Anyway, I deleted my page like three years ago because I never logged in and when I did, it was a freaking mess! Plus I started using Myspace and hardly ever even thought about BP after that. But I guess it's still in full effect mode over there. I went to BP just to kind of look around and it appears that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Alot of wack come on lines and pictures of body parts. LOL.

Myspace is kind of getting that way too. Thinking about deleting my page.

F-O-C-U-S-E-D

2008-12-05T14:36:00.002-06:00

Dear Hater:

I usually don't dole out time to those who are unworthy and simply put, not worth my time. But when I was a young shorty, my Grandmother told me to:

1. keep my friends close and my enemies closer

-and-

2. kill negative folks with kindness

Grandma, this one's for you.

Hater, I know that your main objective each and everyday is to spew your venom like a python but I won't allow you to do that. Not on my watch. See, someone should've checked you long ago, and since they didn't, please allow me to do it. You are the type of person that hates to see it when another person makes a come up because you have suspect feelings about yourself. You are insecure. You are laughable. You think you are wise with your qwirky comments and funny wit but all that shows me is that deep inside, its easier for you to think of something smart to say than do something smart for yourself. Like be quiet.

Bad move.

You wait around until someone makes a mistake, and bam, you are on it like white on rice. But who's to say you don't make mistakes of your own? Who's to say that you are perfect? You have many flaws many of which happen to start with your lack of self esteem and poor hygiene. Grab a Altoid and take a long bath and have a tall can of shudafukkup.

Hater, I don't like you. But I would never hate on what you do because you are getting yours. So why hate on me? Why spend so much time and energy focusing on me? Don't you have a life? A man? Some family? Any friends? Doesn't seem like it. And I am not surprised. Because why would people even want to be around someone like you? Someone that is 95% negative and 5% bullshit. You need an enema and a body cleansing STAT to wash out all of that bad karma.

I will pray for you, Hater. And although you continue to pray and pray on my downfall, I will rebuke you because I am a one-woman show and I never needed anyone to raise me up. While you count on others to give you applause, my audience is my mirror and my applause is my reflection. Each day I awake on this earth is better than the alternative. And I hope you get a life because honestly, if you don't change your ways, you will be just another old bitter and sour person with stank breath.

But alas.

Bye Hater. You have taken up enough of my time and I got things to do and people to see. SMOOCHES. Call me when you get a personality and a little love for yourself.

MUAH! :P

D to the anni.

I Am His Mama

2008-12-05T09:47:00.000-06:00

I get this all the time. Actually my son does. I have a son who is 14 (he will be 15 in April) and when we are together, be it in the mall or the store, or anywhere, people think we are brother and sister. Then he will say "MOM" and everyone looks at me like I have the plague. And I am like yep, that's my boy.

Long story short, I had my son when I was 18. Actually, I got pregnant when I was 17. I graduated high school when I was 16 because I went up a grade when I was 7 and my b-day is Sept. 3rd so I started school when I was 4 and was a year younger than most of the people in school. I grew up fast. Only child, daddy's little girl, spoiled rotten. My parents' marriage began to deteriorate when I was about 16 and I met Antonio (my baby daddy--hate that term) at a party. He was 20 and fine and had a nice car and his own place and I thought I was grown. We started dating and after a year I became pregnant with my son. Thought about abortion but in the end, I knew I was going to keep the baby. Antonio and I tried to work it out but 4 years and several black eyes and countless bruises later, I left his sorry ass.

It wasn't easy being a single mother. I was working a full-time gig, putting myself through college, and trying to be a mother and a father all on my own. Antonio wasn't around much, he was too busy out in the streets. But me and my shorty were good. He never wanted for anything. We never wanted for anything. We always had a roof over our head (although we were homeless for a minute, more on that in another blog entry) and I always had a car. Times was rough though. I can remember making a big pot of spaghetti on a Monday night and eating that ish every night that week. But we survived. Two degrees and a marriage later and we are doing VERY well. My son is now a Freshman in high school and I also have a 4 year old daughter from my ex husband (not Antonio mind you).

I see young mothers all of the time and I remember that pain, that burden that they have to carry. I am 33 now and the realization that I have a 14 year old is odd, but I am so thankful and glad that I had him. I am hoping that these single mothers get through the pain like I did. I never thought I would be able to see the forest for the trees back then and now I am chopping a tree down everytime I see an obstacle with no problems.

Life is good, yo.

If you know a single mother struggling, let her know she can do it. Let her know that even through darkness, light will follow. I held onto my dreams when I didn't have a penny to my name. And now I can do anything...

...and I am HIS mama. I am very proud. And blessed.

Warm. & Fuzzy. & Tingly (Part Deux)

2008-12-04T22:54:00.004-06:00

NightFall914, I am going to get u.

You pegged it when you said I have been extra tingly lately. For you newbies to my blog, tingly is my code name for horny as well, aka, drippin wet in the panties. I so wanna release right now, you have no idea. It has been some months since your girl has gotten some good action. Some good, grab the sheets, curl my toes, scream so the neighbors can hear, 'til the cops come knocking, sweating out my perm, making me walk with the 'crook legs, make me squirt kind of sex. You know? I am such a sexual person and I need to release like ASAP before I explode.

The last time I had sex was almost three months ago. And it's been that long by choice. Now you know I can get some, but because I am taking my time to get it right. I am a relationship girl. I don't have one night stands and at the time, I don't have a fukk buddy. So now that I am in an in between part of my life, I don't have a companion that I can explore sexually. And it sucks monkey balls.

And, for those readers who peep more than just the first page of this blog know what I also have a porn thing that I am trying to work out as well (refer to THIS). It's times like these when it gets late at night and I feel like I need some visual stimulations to get my juices going. And then, I think sometimes I wanna play with the chocha because it makes me sleep like a baby when I am done.

Sheez, I need to release some tension. But I also understand that right now, it ain't happening. I am not a fly by night chick. So until then folks....um...I will take a Tylenol PM and call it a night.

If Your Name Is...

2008-12-04T16:22:00.006-06:00

..or you have anything like this in your name on Myspace, please do not send a friend's request because I will not even open that mug.

Pookie

Lil anything

Big anything

Scrilla

Dollar

Pretty

Tank

Body

Lick

Suck

Dick

Eat

Pussy

Chuuch

Leroy

Shorty

Dub

Baby

Lace

Cash

Young

Sexy

Nasty

Check this post often for I will be making revisions and edits/additions to this list. Thank you.

8 Grammy Nominations?

2008-12-04T13:35:00.001-06:00

Really Dwayne Carter?

Strippers On Poles

2008-12-04T11:50:00.003-06:00

I am a property manager for two apartment complexes here in St. Louis. For those that don't know. Anyway, I have a few residents, women, who make their living as an "exotic dancer". Yesterday, one of them came into the office to pay her rent and I could not help but wonder why she felt she had to resort to taking off her clothes in front of a bunch of horny and overstimulated men (and women) for a living.

This girl (and many girls) are not your typical stripper. And I know you know what I mean. There have been times in your life I am sure that you have seen a girl in passing or saw her out somewhere, maybe the grocery store, and you can tell that she is a stripper. She just exudes that aura. Well this girl isn't like that. She looks more like a librarian than anything, and is very quiet and shy. Barely looks me in the eye when she comes in. It just seems like such a waste for her to be working in a dive getting dollars put in her thong. Has she went to college? Does she have a degree?Does she have any amibition to get out of the game? Of course I can't ask her these questions because it wouldn't be professional, but I would so like to know where her head is at. Because a mind is such a terrible thing to waste.

Supposedly, according to the word on the street, more and more girls are getting into stripping because the economy is so damn bad and they have been laid off or have lost their jobs. That really sucks. And no, I am not trying to knock their hustle. I know there are women who want to strip and like it and want to be the employee of the month on that pole. I can dig that. But for so many others, I know they want a better way of life than being looked at like a piece of meat each night. I am sure that gets old after awhile.

I don't know. Just seems like there are so many endless possiblities. Why limit yourself to doing something like stripping? What happens when you can no longer do it? When your body gives out? What then?

Tell Me Somethin' Good

2008-12-03T21:52:00.002-06:00

Mood: Tingly. (aka horny)

Status: Purchasing a few items online. Balancing my checkbook as I go.

Wear: Sports bra, boy shorts.

Hair: Up in a ponytail.

Music: None. Have that McDonald's commercial in my head (you know the one) Chicken Mcnuggets.

Place: Sofa in living room. Laptop action.

Next move: Getting my mind ready to go to Chi-Town this weekend.

Last text I sent: 'Yeah. U on some tradn places like Ursh'.

To Who: Justin Bobby (nickname homies).

Random Notes: I need to reschedule my optical appointment. Need new contacts STAT. Work is killing a sister now, I got a million things to do tomorrow. Must stay focused. Stay off the Crackberry (but it be callin me yo!)

R.I.P Donny

2008-12-03T14:39:00.005-06:00

Last night, I watched the Unsung series on TVOne which spotlighted R&B composer, singer, and musician Donny Hathaway. I have always been in awe of his music and had no idea that he committed suicide in 1979 by jumping out of a window of a hotel in New York. What a tragedy. What a loss.

Hathaway suffered for many years and was classified a paranoid schizophrenic in the early 70s. He continued to work, but towards the end, he could not longer sustain the pressure. Hathaway died when he was only 34 years old. He is buried here in St. Louis, Missouri, where he was raised.

Donny Hathaway produced hits for Roberta Flack and others. The song below (also sung by the Carpenters) is my favorite song by him.

Foreplay (Before Play)

2008-12-03T14:09:00.005-06:00

I have such random conversations during the work day. Anyway, a homie (and dear friend of mine) and I were talking today on the Crackberry about foreplay. He said he was listening to the radio and they were talking about foreplay. I guess the conversation was that women were complaining that their men didn't participate in foreplay. They just wanted to get down to business.

My friend wanted to know my thoughts on the matter and I gave him plenty. First off, it is my belief that foreplay can sometimes (a lot of times) be better than the actual activity of having sex. Foreplay is about pleasing and teasing and learning his body and your body and affection and kissing, and all the things that I like being with a man for sexually. If a man is not down for foreplay, then it is not going down. I am not participating in it. So these men that are with these woman who aren't down for the cause wouldn't get no love from me. I blame these women for giving it up to these men who want to hit it and quit it. It is just as much their fault as it is the man's. If you allow him to screw you without foreplay, then you are playing the hand you are dealt.

Secondly, ladies, communicate with your man about what you like (or don't like). Do it on the regular and do it with no shame. Sex (and foreplay) is about the two of you enjoying it together. If he is the only one that is enjoying it, then what kind of sense does that make? I let the man I am with know what I like, where my spot is, where I liked to be kissed and touched and sucked. If he isn't in those areas, then I either whisper it to him seductively or I put his head there myself. LOL. This is a two way street. I don't assume he knows what I want. I also want him to communicate with me on his desires as well.

Foreplay is like the truth, people. I am thinking these young people haven't really made love or had real sex until they experience real foreplay. I like that better (sometimes LOL) than the real thing.

...wish I could have foreplay now. :P

Barbara Walter's 10 Fascinating People

2008-12-02T16:48:00.004-06:00

On 12/4/08, Babs Walters will announce her 10 Most Fascinating People for 2008 as she does each year during a television special on ABC.

Wanna see who made the list?

10. Will Smith

9. Tom Cruise

8. Tina Fey

7. Rush Limbaugh

6. Miley Cyrus

5. Michael Phelps

4. Sarah Palin

3. Frank Langella

2. Thomas Beatie (pregnant "man")

1. Barack OBAMA!

Not too much into lists like these which are very calculated and far from what us "norms" think but I certainly agree with #1. Also, I also think that Will, Tina, Sarah (even though I despise this woman, she was "fascinating" I guess), and Michael Phelps should be on the list as well.

Can't Get It Up?

2008-12-02T16:26:00.002-06:00

I was watching The Departed last night on Cinemax (don't laugh...Cinemax sounds so old school but it was in HD). It was the second time of me actually watching the flick the whole way through. Anyway, in the movie, Matt Damon's corrupt and sociopathic character has a problem with his...err...plumbing. Although they don't really come out and say that he is impotent, there is a scene where his new girlfriend tells him that it is okay and that they should talk about it because it would make the closer.

It meaning he was as limp as a biscuit.

Anyway, that got me to thinking. A family member of mine (and no I won't name names) recently told me that she and her husband have been unable to have sex for months because he has problems getting an erection.

How does that feel like to be a man and not be able to get up so that you can skeet skeet? LOL. Or show affection and love and all of that jazz with your woman? How does it feel to be the partner of this person and know that your needs can't be met because he can't get (or stay) on hard. How horrible that is!

My family member said the doctor said he was impotent, and that is, I guess different from having erectile dysfunction. Impotency is a serious issue which medication sometimes cannot help. And the shame that goes with it can make a man feel, well less than a man.

Matt Damon's character dealt with his "problem" by causing a lot of death and destruction in his wake. I am sure there are many other ways men (and their women) deal with this.

Don't know why I am talking about it but I thought I would put it out there to get your thoughts. And why is it that it I think that impotence affects Caucasians more than Blacks? I am sure I am wrong for this BUT I just can't help thinking that is the case. Anyway, let's discuss. :P

All Up In The 'Swirl'

2008-12-02T13:02:00.004-06:00

Several girlfriends of mine got together the other week and had a girls night out. And during this event, two of them were simply glowing from ear-to-ear. Giggling and ish like little school girls. So I asked them why they were so giddy and they both yelled out, "swirl". Now, of course I haven't always been the quickest person during these moments, especially since I wasn't familiar with the term and my other girlfriend rolled her eyes and said to me, "they've given up and went to the other side." Thinking she meant becoming lesbians, my eyes widened. But then we had an in depth conversation about the swirl and what it meant.

Definition: an interracial relationship most notably between a Black woman and White man. Also known in social circles as "Something New", which was a phrase coined after a move starring Sanaa Lathan in which she becomes involved with the man.

Both of my girlfriends had found "swirl" love and they were smiling big time. Now I personally don't get all the swirl love and jungle fever and something new talk. I for one, believe that you fall in love with whom you wish, be it any color. I have never been one to dog interracial dating and I have even dated outside my race a few times. Nothing wrong with it. However, when people purposefully seek to find those outside of their race and exclude their own race in the dating pool is when I get my thongs in a bunch. This type of attitude will get no love from me.

So back to my girlfriends. One of them said she met "Aaron" while working at her job which is in retail. Aaron was White, but had what she called dark and exotic features. After a little bit of harmless flirting back and forth, they decided to go out and a date and now she is in heavy like mode. After years of dating "no-good" black men (her words, not mine folks), she said that she has finally found someone who is employed, makes good money, doesn't live at home with their mother, and doesn't wear his pants sagging down his ass. Of course these are all stereotypes that she is perpetuating but again, I am writing about this in terms of the conversation.

My other friend simply stated that "Clark" was her soulmate. They met online and she never thought she would end up daitng a White guy, but after they met and kicked it a few times, the attraction began. She said she still has trouble digesting the whole affair and their differences (he doesn't add any spice to his food when he cooks, things of that nature) but they are talking about it and communicating. IMO, she is more natural with her "swirl". And she didn't say she was swearing off the "no-good Black men", but that she had found someone who was appealing to her and she would see what would happen.

"Men have been doing it for years," my first girlfriend said. The one who seems to have a lot of hatred towards Black men. "Dating all these Becky's and stuff and leaving us behind. So I only think it's fair that we do it too."

Sister-girl was so bitter, it was kinda sad. She was now swearing off a whole group, an entire segment of the population because she felt that they had done her dirty. And that may have been so. But just like every Black woman isn't on welfare, has seven kids, likes to get loud and fight, etc. etc. is not true. When we start grouping ALL people into one category and judging them by behavior that applies to some and not all (and some meaning ALL people, not just one race) then we are doing ourselves and our world a disservice. How can my friend be mad at O.J. (just the first person that popped into my head) for continuously dating a WW after breaking up with a BW when she is doing the same thing? What type of logic is that?

Speak on it.

Women, Clean Your Cooch & Get To Know It

2008-12-01T13:03:00.002-06:00

Wow. When I watched this, I was co-signing with what LaVerne said. This is the truth and needs to be told to the masses. Preach girl. And school 'em for the ones that have no clue about their bodies or what is going on with them.

World Aids Day

2008-12-01T12:16:00.003-06:00

get tested.

Black Friday Wal-Mart Death

2008-12-01T11:56:00.003-06:00

I didn't shop on Black Friday. I had to work.

What the hell is going on in America? (And people were mad because the store closed down because a man died? They were more concerend with how long they had to wait in line than a person losing his life over some marked down foolishness that will probably be marked down even more the closer it gets to Christmas?)

I am sick at this. And saddened. Losing a life is a sad thing but losing it because of a SALE?

No words, people. No words.

She Got Slipped A Mickey?

2008-12-01T11:44:00.005-06:00

I read about story over the weekend and saw it again this morning on Sandra Rose's blog and I thought I would share it with you guys:

Lois K. Feldman, 38, of Carroll, and Ross M. Walsh, 26, of Linden, were ticketed for indecent conduct after they were reportedly caught engaging in sexual activity in a Metrodome men's restroom handicapped stall during the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers game with the Iowa Hawkeyes. More than a dozen people in the restroom were cheering Feldman and Walsh by the time authorities arrived, a University of Minnesota Police report says.

Feldman acknowledged drinking heavily before the game and says she doesn't remember being in the bathroom.

"I would never ever do that," Feldman said. "My kids are my life. I go to church every Sunday."

Information obtained in police reports and during an interview with University of Minnesota Police Chief Greg Hestness revealed no suggestion or evidence that the incident was anything but consensual on the part of both Walsh and Feldman.

But Feldman tells the Daily Times Herald she may have been drugged or otherwise victimized.

"Everybody thinks something got put in my drink," Feldman said.

She offers no further details as to how that might have happened or who may have been involved.

"Right, and that's what my attorney and I are working on," Feldman said.

Contacted this morning and asked if Feldman was planning to file a complaint or seek a reopening of the investigation in Minneapolis, Jeff Minnich of Carroll, Feldman's attorney, said he had no comment.

The Daily Times Herald sought to contact Walsh, but there is no phone listing with the address he gave police. An Avalon Security officer, Craig Andrashko, who was listed in the police report as the first witness to the incident, did not return a phone call.

But in the police report, Andrashko described what he observed as "sexual intercourse."

Hestness said the case is closed by citation.

When asked to respond to Feldman's suggestion that she is a victim of a crime, Hestness said: "All I can say is the actions went on for some period of time with many witnesses on hand and no one reported either party was objecting."

Hestness said Feldman made no allegations to the officers at the scene about the incident being non-consensual.

"If the implication is lack of consent due to intoxication, I guess that could be true for either party, however, they declined the officer's request to submit to an (alcohol test) so the extent of intoxication cannot be demonstrated," Hestness said.

Hestness largely talked about the incident in the context of the binge-drinking atmosphere at many college football venues.

"We will be attending our annual Big 10 chiefs conference next month (in Iowa)," Hestness said. "I suspect this case and the flood of last summer will be big topics."

The University of Minnesota has been without an on- campus stadium since 1980 when Memorial Stadium closed and the Gophers began sharing the Metrodome. The team will move into TCF Bank Stadium next fall with the opening game against Air Force.

"The absence of public alcohol sales at our stadium per Big 10 standards will be a welcome change," Hestness said.

* * * * *

I don't believe she was slipped a mickey or someone dropped something in her drink. I believe that her drunk churchgoing ass got sloshed as many do during college football games and got caught up doing something she wasn't supposed to be doing. Point blank period. I love how she says in the article that she has two kids and she goes to church. People with kids who attend church can't be freaks? Puh-leeze. Ask Jerry Fallwell and Jim Baker before you tell someone that foolishness. Sometimes there is more sex going on in the church than anywhere else. (and no I am not saying that every church is like that but I do know some that are)

Sports and alcohol consumption are not a good mix. Things always pop off. What's your take?

Source

Blog Much?

2008-11-30T23:01:00.003-06:00

The last few weeks, I have been spending a lot of time on the web looking at blogs. Urban blogs, rock blogs, entertainment blogs, sex blogs, relationship blogs, weight loss blogs, etc. etc. After all of the research I have done, I now consider myself an expert on Blogging 101. Only problem is (not really a problem but kinda) is that there are so many blogs out there how do you as a blog writer get your blog out to the masses? And if you don't want your blog out there to the masses, then what is its purpose? Who is your audience? What is your goal to blogging?

I, for one, will use my own blogging experience as support for my latest article. I have started at least 5 blogs. Each time I started a blog, I stopped after a week or two because I found myself bored with it or found it hard to find a topic to write about. When I began writing this blog, I simply stopped caring. I wanted to have a place that I could discuss what I wanted because in each blog I went to, I wasn't finding a sense of personality or reality. Which is why I call this blog a reality blog because I actually share my life with my readers. You see my face, the face of my family and friends, I share my experiences. It's very personal and quaint. The purpose of this blog is simply to entertain myself and I am such a nerd and I know there are other nerds out there as well so maybe they will be entertained as well.

See, some blogs kill me when they try to tell other so-called up and comer blogs on how to do things. In one blog this weekend, I read this person's tips on blogging. The blog was nicely designed. She hired a personal web designer to design the page and it was fresh and esthetically pleasing to the eye. But it lacked substance. If Ice Queen was what she was going for, then she passed with flying colors. But I was not entertained at all. There are so many blogs, popular blogs out there, and I don't think they are popular on purpose. I am sure it happened all by happenstance and accident. A true blog, correction, a true blog that entertains is not a calculated action. It is quirky and fun and unique and has something that appeals.

I blog because hell, there has to be someone out there besides myself who cares about the things I care about. And if they don't I won't lose any sleep on it. I am just having fun. I have a 9 to 5 and I am not trying to make this a money earning enterprise. At least not yet.

Spreading the warm and fuzzy and tingly is what I am about. And to do it safely.

Thank you, those few that come to read this (LOL...insert your own humor here) for sharing my nerdy world. As I define and grow this small operation of mine, hopefully you will continue to find it entertaining.

Now I am going to go and finish watching Bridget Jones Diary. I find myself in this Renee Zellwegger character. Quirky chick she is. :P

...and good soundtrack too.

The 1st Snowfall...

2008-11-30T13:50:00.008-06:00

...of the year folks. I took some amateur pix. Enjoy. I have a love/hate relationship with snow.

My Mini-Me

2008-11-29T21:55:00.003-06:00

..chillin tonight after hitting the mall.

Ugh....@ Christmas Parties

2008-11-29T11:42:00.002-06:00

So now begins the rounds of ridiculous Christmas (or holiday as we always want to be politically correct) parties. Can't say I am looking forward to 'em because you always have to be fake a phony and pretend like you are having a good time when you're really not. This year, I have been invited to four Christmas parties, three of which are work related, and I must say I am dreading them.

You can't get drunk because if you do, all of your co-workers and business associates will call you a lush and you will lose all credibility.

You can't dance like you want to because...well you know.

You have to pretend you like people that you don't like. Be forced to hug them and touch them and stuff which really isn't my style.

And you have to look grateful when you receive your Christmas bonus even though it may only be a $10.00 gift card to the Gap. LOL.

I know this year because of the economy, alot of people are scaling back the holiday fesitivites and I think that is a good idea. But I also believe that the money you save on giving a lavish event could be used in bonusing your employees, the ones who work and work for you and show the company extreme dedication. That would be money well spent.

Anyway, that's my ten cents. I, for one, am not looking forward to these events, but it comes with the territory. I am thankful to even have a job at this point, while many are laid off or unemployed.

Because Christmas Is Coming...

2008-11-29T11:38:00.001-06:00

This Is Some Foolishness (McDonald's Related)

2008-11-28T10:27:00.002-06:00

..have ya'll seen this? What is up with this? There are no words. LOL.

I Am Stuck At Work..

2008-11-28T10:20:00.003-06:00

The day after Thanksgiving. Let me first preface this entry by saying this is the first time in four years that I have been in town for Thanksgiving. I am usually out of town in Memphis or Louisville visiting family. Second of all, this is my first time working the day after Thanksgiving. EVER! Since I have been working in the world, I have never worked the day after the holiday. This sucks. LOL.

I have plans of hitting the malls and Walmart and Toys R Us after work, but by then, everything will be fought over and the good deals will probably be gone. I began my shopping a few days ago online on Amazon, which has a lot of good deals, maybe even better than the deals for Black Friday. I am very confident that I have already saved a mint this year and will continue to do so as I finish my shopping. Like everyone, I am cutting back big time, but I refuse to be cheap when it comes to my family. My kids and I always have grandiose Christmases and this year will not be an exception.

I will let you know how well my shopping adventures go this evening. Hopefully I will have a ton of bags with plenty of deals.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T15:48:00.005-06:00

I started with this:

...and ended with this:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FOLKS!

Tag, You're It!....NightFall914

2008-11-26T11:00:00.002-06:00

Okay, if you have ever played tag you're it blog style, here are the rules:

Questions are asked.

I answer them.

And the other blogger who I tag must answer them as well on their blog.

And then they must tag someone.

And it goes on and on.

Okay so here we go.

NIGHTFALL914, you've been tagged yo!

-------------------------------------------

Who do you look up to the most?

My grandmother

Why?

Because she is the rock of the family, the anchor, the Sunday school teacher, the chef, the doctor, the counselor, the everything we need to get by.

What are your greatest assests?

My mind (intelligence) and my children

What are your weaknesses?

I am a sucker for love. Period.

What do you like most about yourself?

I am versatile. I can go in the uppity white bread area and kick it on their level and I can turn around and go to the 'hood with the grimyest of nikkuhs and fit in. A chameleon. And most people underestimate that which is definately an advantage for me.

How many times have you been in love?

How many of them truly loved you back?

2 and a possible (lol...am I playing spades?)

What has been your proudest moment?

When my son is on the stage and everyone is clapping for him or in awe of his talent. Or when my daughter does amazing things like learn her colors in 30 minutes after reading a book with her. Also the birth of both of my children.

What has been one of your worst moments?

When I lived in my car for a few months in 1998. That was the worst. The lowest of the low.

Who is your best friend?

Hope Courts-- La familia.

What makes you cry?

Not much. I am heartless like that. I don't show emotion unless you penetrate my force field and even then, I view you as suspect.

Do you think you are attractive?

Yes. If I didn't, who would?

What is the last thing you ate?

Hot fries last night while getting my hair done.

Are you currently in love?

No. But strong like. Very strong.

Who is your hero?

God. My Daddy. Obama. Period.

Stalker Alert

2008-11-26T10:23:00.005-06:00

Wow. Several months ago, a girlfriend of mine from high school and I reconnected through Facebook (isn't the Internet somethin'?). She and I used to be really good friends and we met back then because she was a close friend of my best friend. We would do the things that 15 and 16 and 17 year old girls did back then (in the early 90's...am I showing my age?) like going to the mall, the movies, the park (in our cute tennis skirts), and all that jazz. My best friend and I were like twins, everyone thought we were sisters even though we weren't. This other girl who was in our crew wasn't really like us physically. To put it blunt, she was overweight by some 60 or 70 lbs but she was funny as hell and we liked her and we hung out all the time.

She kinda started getting weird. I remember one time when my then boyfriend (now my 14 year old son's father) and I were coming home from a date and he was dropping me off at the crib and she was sitting there in the parking lot of our condo complex when we pulled up. I waved to her because I figured she was probably in the area and thought she would stop by and saw that I wasn't home and was getting ready to leave. She acted like she didn't see me and sped off. When I got inside, I asked my mom if she had knocked on the door for me and my mom said that she knocked on the door over an hour before that.

Weird ish number one.

Later our senior year, my dad went to Memphis and came back with some Cross Colors gear. I believe they were green pants, the kind we all wore back then. Anyway, they were much too big for me (my dad knew I liked them baggy but they were falling off of me-LOL) and I had a similar looking pair anyway so I didn't sweat it. This girl in particular came over and we kicked it one evening and a few days later when I went to school, the girl had on my too big Cross Colors pants. I was like, how did she even get them? And how did she leave my house without me seeing them? And who told her she could wear them even though they were too big for me?

Weird ish number two.

There are more weird ishs's but I am not going to type it all out. Basically, she was like a single white female (you know the movie?) but Black instead. After we graduated, she went her way and I went mine and...

Lo and behold, she emerges on Facebook. Being that she is now 34 or 35 and I am 33 and that we are both old as hell and have children (she has three, I have two) I thought that things would've changed as far as her mentality. We started talking on the phone and texting and emailing. Keeping in touch so to speak. And then it starts...all over again.

I have a very distinct e-mail address for family and friends. And it is cute and very suggestive and very ME. And then she goes and says she has a new address and it is VERY similar to mine. I told her that my son was taking acting and lessons (he's been doing this since he was 9 and he's 14 now) and a few months later she sends me a photo of her son during a drama workshop.

But the grand finale is this! My son was born April 10th. She had a daughter earlier this year and she was supposed to be delivered on April 12th and she had the doctor induce her on April 10th so they would share the same birthday.

Folks, I cannot make this up.

So a few months ago, I simply stopped communicating with her. She got the hint. But today, I go to my email and she sends me one. And she said that she would like to come visit for Christmas (she is in Florida where I grew up).

I haven't emailed her back. I do not want her in my house. Or anywhere around me. LOL. What should I do?

I Got My Hair Did (LOL)

2008-11-26T10:17:00.003-06:00

Thoughts? LOL.

Barack Is Our New President. So Now What?

2008-11-25T13:22:00.003-06:00

We won. On November 4, 2008, people overwhelmingly and resoundingly voted for Barack Obama so that he could hold the highest office in this land.

Yes we can and yes we did!

Now what?

The reason why I am asking is because I was so sure that having a man such as Obama with the same color as myself would change the way our people dealt with life and all that comes with it. But it looks like we are still going through the same motions we were before. Change was needed on all fronts, but the change must begin with us, right?

Case in point: some of you may have heard about what happened at the Dirty Awards last night in Atlanta. The awards ceremony with children in attendance had to be cut short due to the fact that thugs from rapper Shorty Low's camp and TI's camp got into it over who was King of the South (some say Young Jeezy was also involved but I have no idea if that was the case).

Foolishness run amuck.

Police were called in the building and pepper spray and mace was used to simmer things down. Several folks were also arrested (but noteably these persons were not Shorty Lo nor TI).

We have a problem here.

On Sandra Rose's blog, she hinted that this was the change that WE voted for. I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth at what she wrote because she is an avid Obama hater. But to blame Obama for what happened last night is reaching very far, and people who use their brain cells know that what she is talking about is not accurate, nor is it coming from the right place. It's easier to hate than it is to love so Auntie Sandra can have a Coke and smile and shudafukkup.

Obama being in office means so much for us as a people and for America. Can we not have an Awards ceremony that doesn't end in chaos and fisticuffs? Can we begin with changes OURSELVES and realize that we can do anything! And anything does not mean settling things with violence. It means being responsible and cognizant of what we do. For every action, there is a reaction. And the actions of this latest thuggery results in people looking at US with that same disapproving eye. And I don't blame them because I am also looking at what went down last night as nothing but BS.

Big gold and platinum chains, grills, and LV scarves does not a man make. Stop looking like a clown and start acting like a business man. Rappers, you have money now. You are a business. Hip-hop is a billion dollar industry. Start acting like you have some sense about yourselves.

Remember...

Our President is black.

And if it is simply that statement that you think about before you do anything like this again- DO IT. Stop making us look bad and stop catching cases.

This is not a movie. This is real life.

Note to Alexis : Thanks For Being The Muse for A Great Album

2008-11-25T12:45:00.003-06:00

808s and Heartbreak.

Dope title of Kanye's latest effort. Dope CD. For those of you that think that 808s suck simply don't get it. The album is moody, melodic, and steeped with progression and plenty of influences of some of the greats in music such as Marvin Gaye, Kraftwerk, Herbie Hancock, and Prince. I am going to write a full review for the album later (I listened to tracks 1 through 10 on my way to work, I have 2 more to listen to). But this blog is not about the album per se.

It's about the person who inspired Kanye to go down a more musically dark and creative road this time out.

Alexis, girl, you must have the bomb stuff! Almost every song is about you. Kanye is clearly speaking to you through this album, sho' nuff. Saying stuff like when he touches your neck he can feel your soul and he still fantasizes about you. He hates you. He loves you. He misses you. He can't break free. He's not thinking about you. He is thinking about you. Nikkuh is all twisted up and the result of it is a West album less hip-hop and more sythesized and melodic than every before.

Ye is a tortured soul right now.

Don't know much about the break-up that became the anthesis of this album. From what I heard in the gossip set, Alexis didn't show much "love" after the death of his mother. Then again, I also heard he was cheating too. And she was as well. Like he said in 'Heartless', no one knows what went on between the two. But whatever it was, it resulted in the termination on their engagement and relationship.

He hasn't been the same ever since.

I thought they were going to get back together when I saw the both of them a few months ago at Fashion Week in NY. But I guess the reunion was short-lived.

Alexis, how does it feel to break the heart of one of hip-hop's most creative souls? I for one would like to be a fly on the wall while you listen to the songs. Are you a woman scorned? Are you happy you two broke up? Are you sad? LOL. Enquiring minds wanna know!

My Ugly Arse Christmas Tree

2008-11-24T21:57:00.006-06:00

LOL. Before you spit out your pork chops, my kids picked out the tree and decorations while we were at Target this evening. I told them this year, they had sole discretion to decorate the tree and the house for the holidays. To their credit, it didn't turn out as hideous as I thought it was going to. It may not be the best looking tree in the world, but my kids put forth a lot of effort this evening to decorate it so it looks like a million bucks to me. Don't let the title of this thread fool you; I love my little ones and the job they did. YUP!

Tell Me Somethin' Good

2008-11-24T21:39:00.002-06:00

Mood: Enlightened.

Status: Downloading music on Itunes to make some CDs. Slow jams, just in case I get lucky.

Wear: Black leggings, white and black Baby Phat dress, ballet slippers.

Hair: Curly up'do.

Music: Adele. Chasing Pavements. Deep.

Place: Kitchen table. Laptop action.

Next move: On a mission to help my family financially with some foreclosure issues. I feel blessed to be able to do that.

Last text I sent: '7pm is fine'.

To Who: Cherie, my hairstylist.

Random Notes: I am not sure I am liking the new version of Itunes with Genius. Takes way too long to make a CD. I need to get back on my diet. Still need to go grocery shopping for my Thanksgiving dinner, first time I am actually cooking in over ten years. I still haven't read my new Essence with Will and Jada on the cover. I need to get my passport.

The Whore That Bites The Hand That Feeds Her

2008-11-24T14:46:00.004-06:00

Get your urban news at DimeWars.Com

I am sure that some of you who read my blog (and I know its more than the two or three comments I get looking at the site stats each day but that's another blog) are into gossip just as much as I am, especially when celebs and such are concerned. But the broad above really struck a nerve with me during her latest video blog entitled the Bow Wow Blog which she released on her website this weekend. I am posting it not because I am trying to give her more free press, God knows her website crashed this weekend because everyone and their mother was trying to see the video. I am posting it as a visualization to demonstrate how clueless and utterly ungrateful this supposed fellatio queen is.

The word on the street is that Ms. Steffans (and I use Ms. lightly) is pregnant with Bow Wow's seed. She says in the video that she has been inundated with questions about her impending pregnancy and relationship status with Bow Wow. This is not unbelievable since she uses her blog shamelessly for self promotion. I mean, if you post a video of you in a hotel robe rubbing your belly, you must want people to know you are pregnant right? But then, you have the audacity, the unmitigated gall to get "upset" when people question your relationships and your pregnancy. Go tell it to someone else BOO.

During the video, she states that the blogs that "report" on her are insignificant and incorrect. But whore, aren't these blogs the same ones that keep your name out there? Mama, if it wasn't for blogs, you wouldn't be getting any shine ever. LOL. Do you think your books make you a self made superstar? Hell no! I bought and read your first book, which was written like it was penned by a 10th grader, and sold it on eBay for more than I bought it for at Borders. And I didn't cop the second book because I felt the first book was such a waste of my time, and the third book that's coming out next year? Hell to the no. Unless someone gives it to me as a gift, I will not be reading that ish. So don't let this "fame" get to your head. Insignificant? Bish, you should bow down to every blog that has ever reported on your ass. No one outside of the urban community and gossip world care about you. Do you think Barbara Walters will be asking you to be on The View anytime soon? Come on, Karrine you need more people! STAT!

Then she goes on to say that her personal life is her business and she is not going to confirm or deny any of the rumors set forth. But since when has your personal life become your business Karrine? You write tell-all books and film video blogs of yourself in Miami in Lil Wayne's hotel room. You love the attention! Now all of a sudden your personal life is your business? Please. In the words of Keyshia Cole's birth mother Frankie, MAN DOWN!

Please, will someone reality check this chick? Karrine, don't bite the hand that feeds you. Because when and if the blogs decide not to give you any shine, your "career" would be null and void, just like your acting career.

SMOOCHES! :P

Late Nite. Early Morning. Blog. About Porn.

2008-11-24T02:17:00.004-06:00

I am a only child, the product of a two income family household so that meant that at an early age, I was responsible for staying home by myself. I became a latchkey kid when I was about seven years old and I was not allowed to leave the house until my parents got home from work, which was usually around five in the evening. When I was in elementary school we got out at 3 and then I would walk home which usually took about 15 minutes, so theoretically I was by myself for an hour and a half or so give or take.

It was the mid-80s during that time and we had a Beta VCR. I remember being bored and going through my parents closet looking at my dad's Playboy magazines. I was thouroughly intrigued by the women in the magazine; their breasts, they bodies, their prefectly shaved private areas. I would spend the afternoon looking at the pictures in wonderment observing and taking notes. It was also at this time that I discovered that my parents had a huge porn collection of video tapes and since I had nothing else to do, I started watching them.

These tapes turned me on. I look back at this to try to understand at how at such a young age I was so sexual, but I think it was because I was being stimulated so early with visualizations of sex. After looking at the dirty mags and videos for awhile, I began masterbating and stimulating myself and it became a habit. It was something I did almost every afternoon when I was home alone.

This habit became an obsession.

I started masterbating a lot as a child. Not even knowing the full ramifications or even full understanding of sex or my blossoming body. I got my period when I was 11. Got my first bra when I was 9. I had all of this sexual energy running through my body, yet I wasn't even told the birds and bees at that point.

I lost my virginity when I was 15. I remember being so disappointed after having sex with a boy the first time because I didn't experience an orgasm. I knew how to make myself climax and surely thought that having actual sex would give me the same feeling and it didn't.

I was in my middle twenties before I actually had an orgasm while having sex.

Playing with myself at such a young age stunted my growth sexually. The only way for so many years that I could have an orgasm was by playing with myself. And that came from years and years of practicing self stimulation, something that I had been doing since I was 8 years old.

I still have issues with porn. I haven't had sex in a long time, and there are some nights when I am on PornHub watching. It always ends up with me masterbating. I don't think I am addicted per se to porn, but it is easy for me to get drawn in to those images and visualizations, especially since I haven't had sex in some time.

This is something that I have been fighting for awhile.

It's late, I can't sleep. And I am trying not to go onto the net into that world again. I have been doing so well staying away from it. Sometimes I feel like that 8 year old, being guided into a world that she doesn't understand. Only this time, I do understand its effects. And that is what scares me.

Special Dedication

2008-11-23T17:01:00.001-06:00

Playa Cardz Right- Keyshia Cole feat. Tupac Shakur

Come Over- Estelle feat. Sean Paul

Will Smith In Seven Pounds

2008-11-23T13:49:00.004-06:00

I am so looking forward to seeing this movie, you have no idea. I have had like this crazy crush on Will Smith since I was twelve and I catch every movie he makes in the theater when it comes out 'cause I stan for him like that. Anyway, Seven Pounds looks very interesting and just may earn him another Oscar nomination.

According to IMDB:

Ben (Will Smith) is an IRS agent who is deeply depressed after the death of his wife, and guilt-ridden for mistakes from his past. He decides to kill himself, but to also help seven struggling individuals before doing so. When he meets Emily (Rosario Dawson), a beautiful woman with an heart condition, he falls in love with her, complicating his plans of suicide. Woody Harrelson also appears as a blind pianist who befriends Ben.

Deep stuff. And just in time for Christmas. Seven Pounds hits the theaters on December 19th.

Saturday NITE Live

2008-11-23T12:48:00.002-06:00

I went out on a date last night. Oh yeah. I know I talk so much trash about the dating scene and I have sworn off dating several times but I couldn't resist an invitation from a dude I've been eyeing for some time (we've been doing the whole friendship thing), but he finally asked me out on a date and I happily accepted. So here I go...

We started off last night at Mike Shannon's restaurant downtown. The vibe was lovely, food excellent, and the conversation was off the chain. It's been awhile since I have laughed so much during a date. He had me smiling from ear to ear with his stories of traveling- he is a pharmacuetical rep for a major company, so he had a lot of funny things that has happened to him on the road, things you couldn't imagine. He always told me he loved his job. Now I know why.

While we were eating, we were told by our waiter that it was a packed house tonight at Shannon's because there were alot of Bears fans in town to see the Rams vs. Bears game on Sunday at the Edward Jones Dome. After we finished our meal, we decided to mingle at the bar and met up with a very excited and devoted ( and also DRUNK) couple from Chicago who didn't want to do anything but trash talk. LOL. My date and I played with them a little, but there was no way we were going to get too deep into the back and forth banter because we were St. Louisans and the Rams suck major monkey balls. The couple, a middle aged working class husband and wife from the Chi, were good sports though and even bought a round of drinks for us who were holding court in the bar area. Kudos to the bartender! She made the best amaretto sours ever!

After tiring of the bar, we decided to go to the Lumiere Casino down the way and played some slots. LOL. I won $60.00 on the nickel slots and I watched as my date lost a buck fifty playing Black Jack. I told him to stick to his day job. He agreed. We chilled at the Aqua bar and the Sleek Lounge and ran into some mutual friends who wanted to take the party to a club here called EXO.

Off to EXO. We got bar service and that was off the chain but way too expensive IMO. We danced to T-Pain and 'nem, Jim Jones new cut, and flurry of other tuneage. It was refreshing to be with a male that actually liked to dance, not just hold up the wall and bob his head to the beat.

All in all, this was one of the best dates I have had in awhile. No drama, good conversation and fun, and no odd and uncomfortable moments. We ended with a nightcap at his place downtown. Um, let's just say I was a good girl but I did stay the night. We will just leave it at that. I told him I was going to blog about this today and I don't want to be the type to kiss and tell and share all of the details.

We are doing it all over again next Friday. Can't wait!

Dating is not indeed dead. LOL. I still have some hope. A little, anyway.

We Are In A Recession- So Become A Whore

2008-11-22T15:13:00.005-06:00

And it's come to this. Women are turning to the oldest profession these days thanks to, as ABC News calls it, a tough economy. Brothels are seeing a large number of applicants wanting to take a stab at whoring so they can pay their bills and take care of their families.

But I just have one question: if we are in a slumping economy, what fella would pay for the puss anyway? He's also in a recession just like all of us, right? More whores and less men wanting them ain't helping these poor women any. Sheez.

And like, what is on a brothel application anyway? Name. Address. Social Security. Spit or swallow?Anal? Last POSITION held. LOL. I kid, I kid!

Random Saturday Thoughts (or Questions)

2008-11-22T12:55:00.003-06:00

Why did I do what I did last night? (and why did I like it?)

I think I am getting a cold.

Why haven't I washed my Jeep in three months?

Why are my orgasms more powerful by myself than with someone else?

Why do I keep going to PornHub?

Is someone thinking about me?

Everytime I get a text from HIM, I think that he is going to finally admit that he feels me. Instead, he continues to make small talk about BS. DOWN!

I need some new bras.

My breasts are so sensitive today.

I need to go out more often.

Does the rain in Spain really stay mainly in the plain?

Why do I always like the moody ones?

Stream 808's & Heartbreak NOW

2008-11-22T12:34:00.004-06:00

...on 'Ye's Myspace. Preview the whole kit and kaboodle for free before it hits the stores on Tuesday, November 24th. Not sure if I am feeling the whole album in autotune but I stan for Kanye so I must keep an open mind. Hopefully on the next album, he will return back to his glory that was Graduation.

I will review the album on my blog on Tuesday. I have already read plenty of mixed reviews but I wanna 'cop it and hear for myself.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

2008-11-22T09:23:00.002-06:00

It wouldn't truly feel like Christmas without viewing the modern day holiday classic, A Christmas Story. I watch it every damn year and still laugh at the same parts. I guess that is the nerd in me. Fave scene? When Ralphie's friend got his toungue stuck on the flagpole. Gotta love it!

We've All Been BUSHED

2008-11-21T16:23:00.006-06:00

January 20, 2009 can't come fast enough for me. And it seems like most Americans agree because President George's Bush's approval ratings (or disapproval ratings) are lower than Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon, who resigned surrounding his impeachment for the Watergate scandal.

Below is a list from Gallup (who have been tracking disapproval ratings for each presidency since Harry Truman) and CNN. Bush's disapproval ratings are higher than all of the Presidents on the list:

%- Disaproval percentage rating Date

G.W. Bush 76% November 2008

Bill Clinton 54% September 2004

G. H.W. Bush 60% July 1992

Ronald Reagan 56% January 1983

Jimmy Carter 59% June 1979

Gerald Ford 46% Apr., Nov., Dec. 1975

Richard Nixon 66% August 1974

Lyndon B. Johnson 52% March, August 1968

John F. Kennedy 30% November 1963

We've all been BUSHED. Obama, please come and play Cap'n Save'em....LOL.